Definitions you won't find in any Webster's New World Dictionary

Prefatory note: while compiling this list, I came across four separate examples of the power of stupidity to overcome rational thought. The first (at a religious site, no less!) was an unethical attempt to claim copyright to words that they had simply culled from elsewhere, trying the disable-right-click-with-JavaScript trick (which succumbs easily to Ctrl-C or, even better, using Opera as your browser). The second didn't go so far as to claim copyright for other people's work, but did use the sleazy javascript and begged me to send the page to someone. The third implored, "Please don't copy my pages and send them to someone else" (but wasn't technically sophisticated enough to try the javascript). I would have no problem with this if the site's author had written his own material, but there was nothing but rip-offs of other people's material. Ergo, if there had been anything there that wasn't on the dozens of pages I had been to before his, it would be here. Another explicitly denied permission to republish terms that have been freely available in The New Hacker's Dictionary since before they even thought of their site. All of you know who you are, and none of you know what the Internet is all about. Think Linux.

I, however, do not claim to own this material, and neither should you. There are over one hundred of my own mixed in, but they are freely available for any use you see fit. In other words, I don't claim copyright on my own material, much less someone else's. In fact, in order to aid you in compiling your own category-specific lists to mail to others, certain groups are tagged with field labels. The labels currently in use are Academia, Ad. (advertising and marketing copy), Aviation (airline and pilot jargon), Canine (from the dog dictionary), Comput. (computer-related), Culin. (cooking and food), Econ. (money and finance), Emp. (terms used in classified employment ads or interviews), female-specific (from the dictionary for women), Law, Med. (medicine), Media, Naut. (boating terms), Par. (parenting), Pers. (personal, or single's, ads), Philos. (philosophy), Politics, Psy. (psychology and psychiatry), Skiing, Southern U.S. (hick), and Travel (travel agent doublespeak). If you do compile material from here, I would appreciate you citing the source, but I won't cry if you wantonly plagiarize it. That's what it's here for. I do not cite the sources here for no other reason than space considerations--the list numbers over 100 sources.

The text is not divided into hyperlinked letters, nor will it ever be. It's 300k or so, so even a puny 56k modem can download it in around a minute. Besides, have you ever bought a 26-volume dictionary? That's because it would be cumbersome and not very browsable. The same applies to having to click on 25 different links to go through the entire dictionary. If you want a specific word, it's easier to use the scroll bar or the appropriate search command for your particular browser. Furthermore, you will not find frames, tables, double-spacing, or 20 pt. fonts. That is also for about the same reason that your handy copy of Webster's New World College Dictionary, Fourth Edition, isn't afflicted with any of those HTML-happy mistakes. It simply looks better.

The general section contains only real words with definitions other than their normal ones. Sniglets have their own section. Bleeding-edge terms, e.g., Dilberted, that are intended to fill a need but not intended to be humorous (though they often are in their own right) are in the Postmodern Dictionary. I also have selected only the definitions for words such as love and happiness that I deem witty or original enough for inclusion. Happiness is not a tightly-rolled booger in this dictionary.

A text-only, downloadable version will be available soon.

There are twenty-one sections:
The general section begins immediately after this list.
Sniglets and similar phenomena
The male/female translator
The single's ads translator
Professors' definitions of a kiss
Studentspeak translator for professors
Glossary of scientific phrases
Doctor's phrasebook
Glossary of philosophy
Real estate phrasebook
Office terms and phrases
Euphemasia: the politically correct glossary
Hollywood glossary
Glossary of performance evaluation terms and phrases
Weights and measures
Bar phrases
Financial terms
Common phrases in technology advertising
Automotive industry acronyms
What mistake?
Mommy, what's the definition of...

Entry count du jour: 5712 (v0.987)

Send suggestions for additions to opus44@hotmail.com

aaaack - utterance upon running face first into a spider web and realizing that you don't know where the spider is now
aardvark - 1 the honest way to make money 2 strenuous labor
abalone - shellfish nonsense
abash - a great party
abdomen - [Med.] <Ambrose Bierce> the temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship, with sacrificial rights, all true men engage
abdominal - [Med.] legendary snowman
ability - the virtue you are forced to use if your boss has no daughter
abnormal - <Ambrose Bierce> not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested.
abominable - what you have when a male bovine swallows dynamite
abort - to correct a misconception
abortion - love's labor lost
absent - 1 exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; slandered 2 [Academia] the notation generally following your name in a class record
absentee - a missing golfing accessory
abstainer - <Ambrose Bierce> a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure
abstract logic - 1 see definition two 2 see definition one
absurdity - <Ambrose Bierce> a statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion
abundance - 1 a local hop usually staged in the barn 2 a baker's jig 3 a ball in a bakery
Acapulco - [Music] music sung without accompaniment
acceptance testing - [Comput.] an unsuccessful attempt to find bugs
access time - [Comput.] usually large in computer sense, small or negative in defined sense
accident - 1 a thing that is caused by people, but often causes people 2 when presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better
acclaim - something a good insurance agent knows how to handle
accordion - a pleated bagpipe
accountability - <Ambrose Bierce> the mother of caution
accountant - [Econ.] 1 a person who feels good when things are looking black 2 one who uses your books to figure his profit 3 one who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing 4 a person you hire to explain why you didn't make the money you're sure you did
accountant, good - [Econ.] someone with a loophole named after them
accrue - people who work on a ship
accumulate - colloquial way of inquiring about tardiness
accumulator - [Comput.] the part of a computer that compiles or accumulates numbers for use by the computer, as, for example, the price tag
accuracy - the vice of being right
acetone - 1 that's the sound when you pick up the phone 2 something done in exercise class
achievement - the end of doing and the beginning of bragging
acid - better living through chemistry
acme - 1 pimples with the apex pointing inward 2 a generic skin disease
acorn - an oak in a nutshell
acoustic - an instrument used in shooting pool
acquaintance - <Ambrose Bierce> someone we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to
acquit - I've had enough
acre - literally means the amount of land plowable in one day. So in my case it would be four feet by four feet.
acrimony - payments made on a bad divorce
actor - someone who tries to be everything but himself
acting - an art that consists of keeping the audience from coughing
activation energy - the useful energy available in one cup of coffee
actuary - someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, as that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane
acupuncture - a jab well done
acute - opposite of an ugly
acute alcoholic - an attractive drunk
adamant - the very first insect
adapt - a student who is good at arithmetic
adaptable - [Emp.] I've changed jobs a lot
address - attire worn by some females
adenoid - [Med.] Domino's Pizza character
adenoma - [Med.] what you say to your mother when you don't know the answer
administer - to increase clergy
admiration - <Ambrose Bierce> our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves
admissions office - [Academia] where they take you to get you to admit that it was you who mooned the keynote speaker during "new student weekend"
adolescence - 1 the age between puberty and adultery 2 that period when a boy refuses to believe that someday he'll be as stupid as his father
adorable - what you ring when you go visiting
adorn - what comes after the darkest hour
adult - 1 a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle 2 one old enough to know better
adultery - 1 putting yourself in someone else's position 2 the wrong people doing the right thing 3 when a spouse is too good to be true 4 a pathological condition afflicting those over 30 5 when grown people act like children
adult film - a film viewed by people over 30 with a cast of 25-year-olds doing what 18-year-olds do, with a plot for a 6-year-old
advanced design - [Ad.] upper management doesn't understand it
adventure - somewhere between entertainment and panic
adventurous - [Pers.] has had more partners than you ever will
advertisement - 1 something that makes you think you've longed for it for years, but never heard of it before 2 <Thomas Jefferson> the most truthful part of a newspaper
advertising - 1 the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it 2 <Will Rogers> the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need
Advil - used to hammer things on
aerobe - [Med.] a garment worn around the house
aerobics - a form of cruel punishment of the body for what it hasn't done
affectionate - [Pers.] possessive
affianced - <Ambrose Bierce> fitted with an ankle-ring for the ball-and-chain
A-Flat - [Music] a cheap residence
A-flat minor - result of a piano falling on a child
afterbirth - [Par.] when the hard part begins
after dinner mint - funds required upon receipt of check
aftermath - [Academia] period following algebra
afternoon - that part of the day we spent worrying about how one wasted the morning
agent - a well-mannered man
agoraphobia - [Med.] morbid fear of bullfights
aim - <Ambrose Bierce> the task we set our wishes to
air - <Ambrose Bierce> a nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor
air compressor - a machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off
airfoil - [Aviation] used by those creating a home perm
airhead - [female-specific] what a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
air pollution - mist demeanor
airplane - 1 a lot of parts flying in close formation 2 [Par.] something imitated in order to get a 1-year-old to eat strained beets
airspeed - [Aviation] speed of an airplane. Deduct 25% when listening to a Navy pilot.
air traffic control - [Aviation] a game played by airline pilots and air traffic controllers. The game has no rules, and neither side knows how it is played, but the goal is to prevent flights from arriving in time for passengers to make connecting flights
air travel - [Aviation] breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil
alarm clock - 1 device meant to scare the living daylights into people without children 2 something that makes people rise and whine
alarms - what an octopus is
alas - early Victorian for "Oh, Hell"
Alaska - a prelude to "No."
alcoholic - 1 a person who drinks more than his physician 2 someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do
alehouse - a hospital
algebra - what the Little Mermaid wears
algorithm - 1 Bill Clinton's Vice President attempting to sing doo-wop 2 a trendy dance for hip programmers or mathematicians
alien - [Par.] what Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself
alienate - what the space creature did in a restaurant
alimentary - [Med.] what Holmes said to Watson
alimony - 1 a mistake by two people paid for by one 2 the high cost of leaving 3 the fee a woman charges for name-dropping 4 bye now, pay later 5 bounty after the mutiny 6 the billing without the cooing 7 the screwing you get for the screwing you got 8 <H. L. Mencken> the ransom the happy pay to the devil 9 having an ex one can bank on
all - [Southern U.S.] a petroleum-based lubricant
Allah <Ambrose Bierce> the Mahometan Supreme Being, as distinguished from the Christian, Jewish, and so forth
allege - a high rock shelf
allegro - [Music] a little car
all new - [Ad.] the software is not compatible with previous versions
allure - something used to catch fish
aloha - reduce volume: please speak in aloha voice
alone - 1 what you wish the bank would leave you 2 in good company
aloof - the top of a Chinese house
alp - European skier's shout for assistance
alphabet - 1 not quite the complete wager 2 the most aggressive wager on the table
altar - <Ambrose Bierce> the place whereupon the priest formerly raveled out the small intestine of the sacrificial victim for purposes of divination and cooked its flesh for the gods. The word is now seldom used, except with reference to the sacrifice of their liberty and peace by a male and a female tool.
alter ego - a narcissistic priest
alternating current - bi-sexual electrons
alto - [Music] a person afraid of heights
altos - [Music] not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "dori-toes"
amateur hour - that 60 minutes after the bars close
ambassador - <Sir Henry Wotton> an honest man sent to lie abroad for the good of his country
ambidexter - a person who doesn't let the right hand know what the left hand is doing
ambidextrous - <Ambrose Bierce> able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left
ambiguity - 1 the lack of clarity in speech--or something like that 2 the language of politics and statesmanship 3 telling the truth when you don't mean to
ambition - a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy
AMC Pacer - world's largest fishbowl
Amen - 1 the only part of a prayer that everyone knows 2 the word most often uttered by a nun before going to bed and she is really saying "Ahhhh... men..."
amenable - a prayer
amenities - [Travel] two chocolates, two shower caps; usu. preceded by "all the"
America - 1 one nation, under God, with liberty, large fries, and a Coke^® to go 2 a country so rich we have the best politicians money can buy
amicable divorces - civil rites
amidships - [Naut.] a condition of being surrounded by boats
amiss - as good as her smile
amidst - thick fog
amnesia - condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again
amniocentesis - [Med.] seedling needling
anaerobic - unwilling to exercise
anally - [Med.] occurring yearly
analog - [Comput.] hors d'oeuvre, usually made from cheese and covered with crushed nuts
anarchy - such a good idea, it should be the law
anatomy - [Med.] college class that sounds vaguely risqué until you find out what it really involves
anchor - [Naut.] a device designed to bring up mud samples from the bottom at inopportune or unexpected times
anesthetic - [Med.] 1 the painkiller that crazy women refuse during labor 2 not pretty
anger - <Horace> momentary madness
angle of attack - [Aviation] pick-up lines that pilots use
angst - a form of suffering caused by too much thinking; a phenomenon probably incomprehensible to anyone who owns an SUV
anno domini (AD) - no more dominoes
annoying - two people who go right on talking when you're interrupting
anorexia - phobia of people of royal birth
answer - what everybody is still looking for
antacid - 1 hallucinogenic drugs used by little bugs 2 uncle Acid's wife
antecedent - angry relative after you wrecked her car
antelope - 1 why Grandpa won't forgive Uncle 2 type of family scandal
ante merediem - that's why he's my Uncle
antepartum - [Med.] when your father's sister goes home
antibody - [Med.] against everyone
anti-climax - a bore-gasm
antidepressant - [Med.] whatever is causing the unwarranted optimism about your dead end job
antidote - [Med.] the reason Mom's sister keeps hugging you every time she can catch you
antifreeze - when you don't talk to your uncle's wife
antiphony - [Music] 1 a piece played by a elementary school orchestra 2 not a liar
antiquarian - an ant born between Jan. 21 and Feb. 23
antique shop - a business establishment where the sale items are very old and the prices are very modern
antisocial - [Med.] Mother's sister being friendly
antithesis - the force that causes students to put off writing that ten-page paper until the night before
antonym - the opposite of the word you are trying to think of
ants - people who marry uncles
anus - [Med.] Latin for "yearly"
anxiety - 1 "The IRS is on line one, Mr. Milken" 2 Nature's way of getting you up mornings 3 the first time you can't do it a second time; cf. panic
apex - former spouse of a gorilla
aphrodisiac - an African disc jockey
apologetics - [Philos.] why you're wrong
a posteriori - [Philos.] having seen who won, I can assure you I was on that side all the time
apparent - a large, old, bossy person who tortures youths, i.e., one's mother or father
appeal - <Ambrose Bierce> in law, to put the dice into the box for another throw
appeaser - <Winston Churchill> one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last
appellate - something fed to hamsters
appendix - [Med.] a portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use
appetite - <Ambrose Bierce> an instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as a solution to the labor question
appetizing - anything advertised on TV
Apple - /Arrogance Products Profit-Losing Entity/ [Comput.]
apple - [Par.] nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes
apply in person - [Emp.] if you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled
approbation - a fear of early release from prison
apricot - where a baby gorilla sleeps
April fool - <Ambrose Bierce> a March fool with another month added to his folly
a priori - [Philos.] we'll just assume that I am right
aquarium - interactive television for cats
aqueous humor - [Med.] joke about swimming
Arab coffee - [Culin.] thick, black, bitter coffee, traditionally served in tiny cups at gunpoint, or found in graduate student's offices
arbitrator - a cook that leaves Arby's to work at Burger King
arcade - a drink similar to lemonade, served on Noah's Ark
archaeologist - 1 ghoul with credentials 2 person whose career lies in ruins
archaic - what we eat after ar dinner
archer - someone who always cheers for the Indians in a movie
architect - <Ambrose Bierce> one who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money
archive - place used by Noah to store bees
argument - [female-specific] a discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
arithmetic - 1 being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes 2 an obscure art no longer practiced in the world's developed countries
armadillo - 1 possum on the half-shell 2 a Texas speed bump 3 to provide weapons to a Spanish pickle
army food - the spoils of war
aroma - a whisper heard by the nose
aromatic - an automatic longbow
arpeggio - [Music] a storybook character whose nose grows when he lies
array - what comes out of Buck Roger's gun
arrays - what you demand from your boss
arrears - our two organs of hearing
arresting gear - [Aviation] a policeman's equipment
arson - not ar daughter
arsonist - a person with an unquenched burning desire
art - a creative work which inspires an emotional reaction, usually, "what flew into your wall?"
arterial - [Med.] brushes, paint, canvas, etc.
artery - [Med.] 1 a gallery where one goes to admire paintings and sculpture 2 the study of paintings
artful - a painting exhibition
artifact - something only an art major would know
artificial insemination -[Med.] 1 copulation without representation 2 procreation without recreation
artificial intelligence (AI) - [Comput.] the science of building a computer to think and learn like a human being. The trouble with AI is that human beings are really stupid.
artist - 1 [Pers.] unreliable 2 [Media] what a television director thinks he is
artistic license - you're looking at it
asphalt - [Med.] describes rectal problems
aspiration - butt sweat
aspire - where dead donkeys are cremated
aspirin - [Med.] having great ambitions
ass - the masculine of "lass"
asset - a little donkey
assembly language - [Comput.] put tab A into slot B, then put tab C...
assumed decimal point - located two positions to the right of a programmer's current salary in estimating his own worth
assumption - the mother of all screw-ups
astrologer - one who always has their head in the stars
astronaut - a whirled traveler
astronomer - a night watchman
astronomy - TV for the ancient Greeks
atheism - 1 <George Carlin> a non-prophet organization. 2 deep religious faith in the non-existence of God
atheist - 1 one with no invisible means of support 2 one who believes himself to be an accident
Atlanta - an entire city surrounded by an airport
atlas - finally
atomic bomb - 1 a thing that makes molehills out of mountains 2 the invention to end all inventions
atomizer - a cheapskate who hoards microscopic particles
atonic - [Med.] goes with your gin
attorney - a major sporting event
attraction - the act of associating horniness with a particular person
auction - a gyp off the old block
auctioneer - a man who looks forbidding
audiophile - 1 a stereotype 2 one who listens to the equipment instead of the music
auditor - someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded
Australian kiss - same as a French kiss, only down under
authentic - indisputably true, in somebody's opinion
author - 1 a writer with connections in the publishing industry 2 a person who is usually write
authority - a person who can tell you more than you really care to know
authorize - what writers see with
autobiography - 1 the car's logbook 2 an unrivaled vehicle for telling the truth about other people 3 a history of cars
automated - a couple making love in a car
automatic shift - when the driver moves closer to his girlfriend.
automobile - a four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians
autumn - 1 season in which nature goes baroque 2 Mother Nature going through a change of leaf
avail - a piece of cloth that stops a woman from looking so ugly
avalanche - a mountain getting its rocks off
average-looking - [Pers.] ugly
aversion - one side of a disputed story
avoidable - what a bullfighter tries to do
awestruck - 1 being hit with a paddle 2 feeling when your team loses unexpectedly
axe - to inquire
baby - [Par.] 1 Dad, when he gets a cold 2 Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42 3 a hollow tube with a loud voice at one end and a complete lack of responsibility at the other end 4 an angel whose wings grow shorter as its legs grow longer
baby philosophy - if it stinks, change it
babysitter - 1 a teenager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teenagers 2 a small child that has not learned to crawl or walk 3 a person you hire to watch TV
Bach - [Music] the sound a dog makes
Bach chorale - [Music] the place behind the barn where you keep the horses
bachelor - 1 a man who Mrs. nothing 2 an unaltared male 3 a thing of beauty and a boy forever 4 a man not miss-taken 5 a rolling stone that gathers no boss 6 one who never makes the same mistake once 7 a man who goes through life without a hitch
back - <Ambrose Bierce> that part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity
backbite - <Ambrose Bierce> to speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you
backup - [Comput.] opposite of go forward
backward - [Med.] patient rooms at the rear of a hospital
bacteria - [Med.] 1 back door to cafeteria 2 lunchroom for chiropractors 3 the only culture some people have 4 the rear portion of the cafeteria
bad government - [Politics] the result of letting politicians win elections
bacon - a criminal in San Francisco
bacon and eggs - hens are involved but pigs are committed
bad day - a day when you look like your driver's license photo
badminton - 1 a game in which two players try to beat the tail feathers off each other 2 the reason the lamb tasted off
bagels - seabirds that live near a bay
baggage claim - [Aviation] the most difficult area of the airport to find. It is usually hidden by numerous signs saying, "Baggage Claim Area"
bail - made hay
bailiff - dried up leaf, used in cooking
bait - 1 <Ambrose Bierce> a preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The best kind is beauty. 2 [Southern U.S.] to strike repeatedly 3 to win
baker - a person who works for money because he kneads the dough
balance - something you lose if the bank pushes you
balance the checkbook - to go to the cash machine and select "inquire"
bald - taller than one's hair
balderdash - rapidly receding hairline
baloney - where some hemlines fall
banality - any joke about a banana
bandage - 1 removed age as a factor 2 the length of time a musical group has existed
Band-Aid - 1 a fund to help a group of struggling musicians 2 a musician's assistant
bandwidth - limited by the size of the stage
bank - [Econ.] 1 a place that will lend you money if you can prove you don't need it 2 a place where you keep the government's money until the IRS calls for it 3 an institution where you put your money so that it will be available when other people want it 4 (drive-in) an institution invented by the financial community to allow the real owner of your car to get to see it once in a while 5 [Aviation] the folks who hold the loan on most pilots' cars
banker - [Econ.] 1 <Robert Frost> one who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain 2 a person who is a success until they lose interest
banker's hours - that part of the day when it is too hot to play golf
bar - what a Southerner hunts in the woods
barbarian - the man who cuts your hair
barbarous - a bad hair cut
bar-b-que - [female-specific] you bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat, and cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner"
bard - [Southern U.S.] past tense of "to borrow"; My brother bard my pickup.
bare - [Southern U.S.] an alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast
bareback - how a nudist rides a horse
bargain - buy two soaps and get one free
bargain hunter - [Econ.] a wife who is always saving more money than her husband can afford
barium - 1 what you do with dead chemists 2 [Med.] what bad doctors do with their patients
Barney - 1 a well-known purple mutant eggplant from hell 2 a Smurf on steroids
Barney & Friends - an adult's virtual reality trip through Jurassic park
barometer - <Ambrose Bierce> an ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having
baroque - [Econ.] when you are out of Monet
barracks - where pub crawlers hang their coats
barrel roll - [Aviation] sport enjoyed at squadron picnics, usually after the barrels are empty
barren - a naked bird
bar stool - what hillbillies sometimes step in
bartender - a pharmacist with a limited inventory
baseball - three minutes of action crammed into three hours
baseball bat - an anti-burglar device
bashful - to be harsh or abusive toward someone
BASIC /Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control/ [Comput.] a programming language; related to certain social diseases in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
bassinet - what every fisherman wants
bassoon - [Music] typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when
batch processing - [Comput.] making a lot of cookies at once
bath - [Canine] a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves; it is helpful to shake vigorously and frequently
bathing beauty - a girl worth wading for
bathing suit - a female garment cut to see level
bathroom - 1 the only place in a government agency where the bureaucrats usually know what they are doing 2 [female-specific, Par.] room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning
battery electrolyte tester - a handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought
battle - <Ambrose Bierce> a method of untying with the teeth of a political knot that would not yield to the tongue
baud rate - [Comput.] prostitution fee
Bayesian - [Philos.] I'll give you even money that I'm right
beach - where girls go when they have nothing to wear
beach Wiccan - a sand witch
Beatles, The - [Music] Paul McCartney's old back-up band
beatnik - Santa Claus the day after Christmas
bear market - [Econ.] a 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex
beauty - 1 internal quality that most times comes from within - jars, tubes and bottles; 2 external given by Mother Nature and taken by Father Time 3 what's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand 4 <Ambrose Bierce> a power with which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband
beauty parlor - a place where women curl up and dye
because - [Par.] Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically
bed and breakfast - [Par.] two things the kids will never make for themselves
bedlam - three women and one bargain
bee - fly with a fur coat
beef stroganoff - bovine masturbation
beer nuts - a disease prevalent in Milwaukee
beg - <Ambrose Bierce> to ask for something with an earnestness proportioned to the belief that it will not be given
beggar - 1 <Ambrose Bierce> one who has relied on the assistance of his friends 2 a pest unkindly inflicted upon the rich
beheading - loss of face
being social - [Academia] group study
belief - what you don't believe in
belittle - the imperative form of shrink
belladonna - <Ambrose Bierce> in Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues
belly button - salt holder when eating celery in bed
belly dancers - people who use sign language and stutter
belong - to take your time
benedict - a newly married man who has long been a bachelor
benign - what you be after you be eight
Bernadette - the act of torching a mortgage
berth - [Naut.] a little addition to the crew
beta test - to voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three. In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanoes.
better - what we instantly feel when we realize our neighbor's problems are as bad as our own
B flat - [Music] what happens to a tightrope walker who doesn't C sharp
bi - when everybody thinks you're a pervert
bias - why a man goes to a brothel
bicycle - [Canine] two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat; to get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away
bid - a wild guess carried out to two decimal places
bifurcate - to purchase for Katherine
bigamy - 1 <Bob Hope> the only crime on the books where two rites make a wrong 2 one wife too many, as contrasted with monogamy, which is one wife too many
bigamist - 1 an Italian fog 2 one who won't let bad enough alone
big band - [Music] when the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players
bigotry - one of the California redwoods
bigots - [Politics] chauvinists you don't like
bikini - public waist
bile duct - [Med.] waterfowl on an Egyptian river
binary - possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes
bindings - [Skiing] automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury
biography - a written record of purchases
biology - 1 study of shopping habits 2 [Academia] a class located suspiciously near the cafeteria
biplane - the advice I got from my mother on purchasing underwear
bipolar - 1 an Eskimo marketing slogan 2 someone who owns a house in Nome, Alaska and Buffalo, New York
birdwatcher - a person who likes to watch fowl play
birth - <Ambrose Bierce> the first and direst of all disasters
birth control - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men
bison - what the buffalo said to his boy when he departed on a long journey
bit - [Comput.] 1 the unit by which computer programmers lose their sanity 2 used to describe computers; Our son's computer cost quite a bit3 a unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25 cent, or two-bit, color that used to be available a few years ago.
black clothing - an ideal tool for removing cat hair from furniture
black hole - 1 God dividing by zero 2 the subway of the universe
black males - [Politics] the greatest threat to white males
blank verse - <Ambrose Bierce> unrhymed iambic pentameters--the most difficult kind of English verse to write acceptably; a kind, therefore, much affected by those who cannot acceptably write any kind
blind spot - what Dick and Jane did to be cruel
blizzard - when it snows sideways
bloatware - imagine a four function calculator that eats 20 megs of disk space. Or Microsoft Word.
block - the distance between some people's ears
block diagram - schematic gibberish
block grant - a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by governors
blonde - one who won't buy M&M's because they're too hard to peel
blonde jokes - jokes short enough for men to understand
blood - [Med.] a type of gang
blood bank - a savings & trust for vampires
bluegrass - what hippies in the '60s did
blue laws - sad statutes
blunderbuss - 1 a vehicle used for random traveling 2 two individuals kissing for the first time
boasting - the pitter patter of little feats
boat - a hole in the water into which money is poured
bodyguards - morgue attendants
Boeing - [Aviation] the sound a plane doesn't make when it hits the ground
boil - [Par.] the point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic "yuck" before a food is even tasted
boiled egg - [Culin.] something hard to beat
bolus - [Med.] what psychoanalysts talk
bones - [Skiing] there are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: two bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident
book - 1 something made into a movie for television 2 bound, orderly, organized knowledge 3 the original random access device 4 [Academia] a depository of knowledge which a student will try to stay awake long enough to read the night before finals
book bag - [Academia] a large container in which students store candy bars, gum, combs, little slips of paper with phone numbers on them, yo-yos, sunglasses, student id's, loose change, magazines, and occasionally books
bookcase - 1 a piece of furniture used in America to house bowling trophies and Elvis collectibles 2 a piece of litigation about a novel in order to ensure wide sales
boom - sometimes the result of a surprise jibe
boot - [Comput.] given to one by friends for spending too much time bragging about one's computer skills
boots - [Par.] tall rubber shoes made so kids can check the depth of puddles
boot up - [Comput.] what you want to give to Bill Gates
border - someone who pays rent
bore - 1 someone who persists in holding his own views after you have enlightened him with yours 2 <Ambrose Bierce> a person who talks when you wish him to listen 3 he who talks so much about himself that you can't talk about yourself 4 someone who is going places, and the sooner the better 5 <Henny Youngman> a guy with a cocktail glass in one hand and your lapel in the other 6 a person who has nothing to say and says it 7 one who, upon being asked how they are, tells you 8 <Walter Winchell> a guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary
boss - 1 a personal dictator appointed to those of us fortunate enough to live in free societies 2 someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early 3 according to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an ornamental stud"
bossa nova - [Music] the car your foreman drives
Boston - 1 a city where Ludwig van Beethoven would be jeered by 50,000 sports fans for finishing second in the Irish jig competition 2 an outdoor Betty Ford clinic
bother - a Pooh poo
bottle feeding - [Par.] an opportunity for daddy to get up at 2 a.m. too
bottom - what the shopper did when she found the shoes she wanted
bottom paint - what you get when the cockpit seats are freshly painted
boulder - less timid
bounty hunter - a seeker of paper towels
bourgeois - [Philos.] they pay good money to be right
bowel - a letter like A, E, I, O, or U
box - a container which, when opened at the top, drops the contents out through the bottom
boxer - someone who trains for months to be beaten to a pulp in three rounds
boy - noise with dirt on it
boycott - his crib, not hers
Boy Scouts - the Army with adult supervision
bradycardia - [Med.] what Brady will do if you look underage
brain - 1 apparatus with which we think we think what we think 2 that body organ which starts working the moment you awake and does not stop until you get into the office
brainstorm - to feign preparedness
branch - [Comput.] if watered, it will grow into a computer club; cf. computer club
branch instruction - [Comput.] advice from a district office
brassiere - a tit-tote
bravery - a naked man bending over to pick up a quarter on an island of gays
breadth - wide loaf
breakthrough - [Ad.] it nearly booted on the first try
bride - <Ambrose Bierce> a woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her
bridge - 1 a game in which a wife is always eager to do her husband's bidding 2 a card game in which a good deal depends on a good deal
briefcase - 1 a trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party 2 luggage in which underwear is packed
broadband - an all girl musical group
broadcast quality - [Ad.] gives a picture and produces noise
broad-mindedness - the result of flattening high-mindedness out
bronchial - [Med.] a football team in Denver
broom - witch craft
brothel - home is where the tart is
browser - [Comput.] originally meant to refer to the silly surfer who visited your site but didn't buy a thing. Now refers to the software that they use to do that
bruise - [Med.] a six-pack
Brussels Sprout - a world famous statue found in that city
brute force - [Comput.] when your brain doesn't work, just keep beating on the problem until one of you dies
bubble gum - candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children
bubble memory - [Comput.] what programmers assume about the intelligence of most users
buccal - [Med.] does up your belt
buccaneer - unit cost of corn on the cob
bucktooth - the going rate for the tooth fairy
budget - [Econ.] 1 a record of what the money should have been spent for 2 an attempt to live below your yearnings 3 methodical debt incursion 4 a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward 5 a precise way of going broke 6 a home accounting system which allows a family to pay as they go--as long as they don't go anywhere 7 the mathematical confirmation of one's darkest suspicions 8 what one can stay within only by doing without 9 fiscal self-flagellation 10 a mathematical system devised to remind oneself that one can't afford the kind of living one has grown accustomed to 11 for the average family, it is made up of a little money and a lot of estimates 12 a financial program dedicated to preventing part of the month being left at the end of one's money; usually unsucessful 13 a detailed record of how much more one managed to spend than to earn this month
Budweiser - like having sex in a canoe: f***ing close to water
buffalo - a greeting between two nudists
buffet - a French word that means "get up and get it yourself" or "to make a pig of oneself"
bug - [Comput.] 1 a programmer's term for a feature 2 a son of a glitch 3 <Ray Simard> an aspect of a computer program which exists because the programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he wrote the program. Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed. 4 <Datamation> an elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
bugs - small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls
bulimia - [Med.] retched excess
bullae - [Med.] a tough guy
bulldozer - one who can sleep through a campaign speech
bulletin - 1 parish information read only during the homily 2 Catholic air conditioning 3 your receipt for attending mass
bull market - [Econ.] a random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius
bump - [Canine] the best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea
bungalow - unfortunate buffalo that can't do anything right
bunion - Paul's surname
bunny - bakery characteristic
buoyant - male hill insect
bureaucracy - a method for transforming energy into solid waste
bureaucrat 1 a person who cuts red tape sideways 2 a politician with tenure
burglar - <Henny Youngman> the only professional still making house calls
burglarize - what a crook sees with
burlesque show - where attendance falls off if nothing else does
burrito - [Culin.] a modest rolled bit of food that usually contains beans and cheese, sometimes beef, chicken or pork, rolled into a flour tortilla. Under no circumstances should you add chopped onions to a burrito. To do so is a felony in several states, and rightfully so.
bushman - Katherine Harris
bush pilot - flies Air Force One
bust - a stone representation of someone ahead of their time
Buy, buy - [Econ.] a flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane
buzzword - the fly in the ointment of computer literacy
byte - [Comput.] 1 whut dem dang flies do 2 a little nibble
C - <Ray Simard> a programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or it isn't.
cabal - transport everybody by taxi
cabbage - [Culin.] 1 <Ambrose Bierce> a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head 2 the fare you pay the taxi driver 3 the number of years a taxi has existed
cache memory - [Comput.] 1 remembering how much one has spent 2 a very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one is supposed to know is there
cactus - an overgrown pin cushion
cad - a man who doesn't tell his wife that he's sterile until she's pregnant
Cadillac - bovine paucity
cafeteria - /from Latin, cafe, 'place to eat,' and teria, 'to retch'/ [Academia]
caffeine - [Culin.] 1 one of the four basic food groups 2 everything one could want in a drink
calculated risk - a computer date with a girl who doesn't take the pill
call - [Academia] what you can't do because your stupid roommate has to go over every stupid detail of every stupid day with their stupid hometown sweetheart
call girl - a negotiable blonde
calorie - [Culin.] basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food 2 unit denoting how good food tastes
calzone - that particular zone where one pigs out on pizza
camel - a horse designed by committee
Camelot - place to shop for a used dromedary
camera - a device used to take pictures. The pointed end goes toward the scene you want to photograph.
campaign reform - [Politics] an attempt by politicians to make it impossible for their opponents to fund a campaign
campus - show us where to pitch our tent
Canada - 51 weeks winter, one week hockeyless summer
Canadians - the other Americans
cancer - [Med.] cure for smoking
candy stripers - person who paints candy
cannibal - 1 someone who is fed up with people 2 person who likes to see other people stewed 3 one who is apt to pass his best friend 4 one who loves his fellow man with gravy
cannon - <Ambrose Bierce> an instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries
canoe - 1 an object that acts like a small boy, i.e., it behaves better when paddled from the rear 2 interrogative meaning, "are you able"
can opener - bathroom key
cantaloupe - [female-specific] gotta get married in a church.
capitalism - man exploiting man, as compared with socialism, which is the reverse
capital offense - the way the Washington Redskins are playing lately
capital punishment - 1 income tax 2 what your congressman does to you after he's elected
capsize - [Naut.] head measurement
capsule - [Med.] a space ship
caramel - a motorized camel
carbine - a seed pod in the shape of an automobile
carburetor icing - [Aviation] a phenomenon happening to Aero club pilots at exactly the same time they run out of gas
carcinoma - [Med.] a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog
cardboard belt - a waist of paper
cardiology - [Med.] the study of poker playing
cards - game devices with which a good deal depends on a good deal
career-minded - [Emp.] female applicants must be childless and remain that way
careful - one who looks both ways while crossing a one-way street
careful driver - one who has made the last payment on his car
carnation - country where everybody has an automobile
carnivore - someone who watches people dancing and playing music in the street
carpal - [Med.] to drive to work with others
carpe diem - gripe of the day
carpenter - a guy who nails down his agreement
carpet - 1 a dog that enjoys riding in automobiles 2 [Par.] an expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes
car pool - [Pers.] complicated system of transportation where mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar
carrier detect - [Comput.] to catch sight of the mailman
carry-on bag - [Aviation] an item, usually of large dimensions, which somehow managed to fit under the passenger's seat on the inbound flight. Regardless of what the passenger says the following are not acceptable as carry-on items: bicycles, steamer trunks, refrigerators, truck tires, or wide screen projection TVs
car service - if it ain't broke, we'll break it
Cartesianism - [Philos.] cogito ergo rectitudo
car sickness - the feeling you get when the car payment is due
cartel - getting your vehicle to pass information
cartoonist - an auto mechanic
cartoons - 1 music played in an automobile 2 devices used by newspapers to say what an editor dare not
case - [Law] the amount of beer chugged by your attorney before breakfast
cash flow - [Econ.] the movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet
casserole - [Culin.] combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together
castanets - what they did to fill the role of Frankie Avalon's movie girlfriend
castrate - 1 hotel rate for actors 2 [Med.] market price for setting a fracture
castration - a eunuch experience
casual work atmosphere - [Emp.] we don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings
cat - 1 small, four legged, furry extortionist resembling a meatloaf 2 walking ego with an attitude problem 3 alien that took over Earth millennia ago 4 lap warmer with built-in buzzer 5 an animal that tastes just like chicken 6 a fast, psychotic animal, bred for target practice 7 God's way of saying your furniture is too nice 8 an animal used for dusting high places 9 proof that eating and sleeping isn't all bad 10 proof that not everything in nature has a function 11 <Ambrose Bierce> soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle
cataclysm - Bible study classes for cats
catacomb - used for brushing cat hair
Catalan opening - starting a local area network for cats
catalog - where a rancher records his inventory
catalyst - a bovine rancher
catarrh - [Med.] a stringed instrument
catastrophe - award given to the cat with the cutest buns
catatonic - [Med.] 1 a feline medicinal drink 2 an aging cat in need of Geritol 3 what feline bars mix with gin
catch and release - a conservation motion that happens most often right before the local fish and game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit
catchup - a hair ball
categorical imperative - [Philos.] if you're right, let's make it a universal law
caterpillar - 1 an upholstered worm 2 soft scratching post for cats
catgut - [Southern U.S., Music] of or belonging to a feline; my dog got fleas but my catgut kittens
catheter - [Med.] string instruments
cat scan - [Med.] 1 very expensive modality for finding a missing hamster 2 searching for Kitty
cat's game - 1 fit into the smallest space available 2 Ha! Made you look!
Catskill Mountains - 1 mountain range with dangerous cats 2 the land of dead mice
cat toy (n) - any object on the ground
catty - an afternoon gathering of gossips
caucus election - [Politics] where machines bring voters to vote for losers; cf. primary election
cauliflower - [Culin.] <Mark Twain> a cabbage with a college education
cause - noises made by crows
cauterize - [Med.] made eye contact with her
caviar emptor - let the fish beware!
CD-ROM /Consumer Device Rendered Obsolete in Months/ [Comput.]
celebrity - person who is well-known for their well-knownness
cell - opposite of bi
cello - [Music] 1 the proper way to answer the phone 2 a gelatin product
Celtics - what a parasite salesman does
cemetery - 1 marble orchard you can take for granite 2 death row 3 <Ambrose Bierce> an isolated suburban spot where mourners match lies
censor - 1 one who sticks his no's into other people's business 2 an individual who knows more than he thinks you should
censorship - ****** *********
census taker - man who goes from house to house increasing the population
centipede - metric inchworm
CEO - /chief embezzlement officer/ [Econ.]
cerebral palsy - [Med.] hands playing in the cereal
cesarean section - [Med.] a historic district in Rome
CFO - /corporate fraud officer/ [Econ.]
chafe - perfue with marked perfiftenfe
chain gang - guys in a singles bar wearing too much jewelry
chaining - [Comput.] method of attaching programmers to desks to speed up output
channel surfing - what to do when you are only remotely interested in TV
chaos - four lawyers plus one dinner bill
Chapter 11 - the part where Rhett rips Scarlett's clothes off
character density - [Comput.] the number of very weird people in the office, divided by the floor space
charity - a thing that begins at home and usually stays there
charm - 1 a way of getting a yes without having asked any clear question 2 the ability to make someone else think that both of you are quite wonderful
chart - 1 [Naut.] a type of map which tells you exactly where you are aground 2 [Aviation] a map, which conveniently unfolds to cockpit-window size, that tells you exactly where you aren't; it is usually marked up by the pilot before takeoff with an exact plan for getting there
chaste - why virgins run
chastity - <Aldous Huxley> the most unnatural of sexual perversions
cheap - [Ad.] much less expensive than ones selling for up to twice as much
cheating - playing by the rules they are taught business school
checkpoint - [Comput.] from where a programmer draws his salary
Cheerios - hula-hoops for ants
chef - a cook who swears in French
chemicals - noxious substances from which modern foods are made
cherry cobbler - [Culin.] a virgin shoemaker
chestnut - a man wild about breasts
chic - considered smart without the deadening implication of intelligence
Chicago - where the dead still vote... early and often!
chicken - 1 egg's way of making more eggs 2 the only creature eaten before it is born and after it is dead
childbirth - [female-specific] you get to go through 36 hours of contractions, he gets to hold your hand and say "focus... breathe... push...."
childhood - [Par.] 1 the rapidly-shrinking interval between infancy and first arrest on a drug or weapons charge 2 that happy period when nightmares occur only during sleep 3 a wonderful time of life when all you need do to lose weight is to take a bath
childish game - one at which you cannot beat your spouse
children - what men become when they get the flu
children - 1 unreasonable facsimiles 2 heir-raising experiences
China - legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables
Chinese checkers - the staff at a Chinatown supermarket
Chinese spy - Peking Tom
chip - 1 either Ponch or John, but not both 2 the fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals 3 not 'spensive
chiropractor - [Med.] 1 manipulator 2 an Egyptian doctor
chivalry - a man's inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself
chocolate - [Culin.] the other major food group
choir - a group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync
chopped cabbage - [Culin.] not just a good idea, it's the slaw
chorea - [Med.] what doctors have instead of a proper job
choosy blonde - one for whom a Tom or a Harry won't do
Chopin - what you have to do with firewood
chorale - place where horses hang out
Christ, Jesus - a man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time
christening - [Par.] to ceremoniously afflict a child with a name
Christian - <Ambrose Bierce> one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor; one who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin
Christmas - 1 a day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry salads, family get-togethers; for others, noted as having the best response time of the entire year 2 a time when each of us gets to reflect upon what we each most deeply and sincerely believe in: money. At the mall of our choice.
church - a place where you encounter nodding acquaintances
cigarette - a pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other
circular definition - see definition, circular
circumcision - 1 a half-off sale on penises 2 the unkindest cut of all
circumference - original knight of the round table
circumvent - opening in the front of boxer shorts
cistern - opposite of brothern
citrate - charge for using a private bench
city life - <Henry David Thoreau> millions of people being lonesome together
civil servant - someone who is neither civil nor disposed to serve
clarification - to fill in the background with so many details that the foreground goes underground
clarinet - [Music] 1 Mr. Net's daughter Clari 2 [Southern U.S.] name used for your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo
clairvoyant - <Ambrose Bierce> a person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead
class action - a stylish deed
classic - <Mark Twain> a book which people praise and don't read
claustrophobia - [Med.] fear of Santa
clear conscience - poor memory
cleavage - something you can both approve of and look down upon
clerical error - when a priest makes a mistake in church
clew - [Naut.] an indication from the skipper as to what he might do next
climate - the only thing you can do with a ladder
climax - mountain hiker's hatchet
Clinton/Gore - the Beavis and Butthead of politics
clique - a group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides; a closed circle of asses
clitoris - [Med.] a type of flower
clone - 1 an exact duplicate; Our product is a clone of their product. 2 a shoddy, spurious copy; Their product is a clone of our product.
clones - [Med.] are people two
close off - a nudist colony sign
clothes but no cigar - a boutique for anti-smokers
clothes dryer - [female-specific] an appliance designed to eat socks.
coach - [Academia] a teacher who rewards successful "students" with a new corvette
coaster - a CD sent to you by AOL
COBOL - /Crude Outdated Boring Obsolete Language or Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic/ [Comput.] an exercise in Artificial Inelegance
cobra - bra worn by Siamese twins
coccus - [Med.] where Iowans choose their presidential candidate
cocky roach - an arrogant insect
coding - [Comput.] an addictive drug
coffee - 1 Sneezy's younger brother 2 consciousness 3 recipient of a cough 4 break fluid
coffin - chest cold symptom
coincide - what to do when it starts raining
coitus interruptus - a jerky movement, usually following the words, "I want to have your child."
cold - 1 when the dog sticks to the fire hydrant 2 when politicians walk around with their hands in their own pockets 3 when the local flashers are handing out written descriptions
cold feet - the ailment you get when you know what the consequences are going to be
cold war - the nightly battle between man and wife to secure and hold all the blankets
Cole's law - [Culin.] thinly sliced cabbage
colic - a sheep dog
collaboration - a literary partnership based on the false assumption that the other fellow can spell
collage - French institute of higher education
collateral - [Econ.] 1 something never required when borrowing trouble 2 verifiable proof that one already has in hand all the money one needs to borrow
collector - one who gathers so many things, he can't remember what he's collecting
college - [Academia] 1 the four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone 2 the bread of life; a four year loaf 3 where girls go for facts and guys go for figures 4 that brief interlude of freedom a young man has between subjection to his mother and submission to his wife 5 a place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing 6 $100 for a book, $500 to prove you read it 7 the fountain of knowledge, where one goes to drink
columbine - to add up all the numbers in a column
coma - [Med.] a punctuation mark
command - [Comput.] 1 suggestion made to a computer 2 a statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in such a manner as to make the human feel as if they are in control
comment - [Comput.] a superfluous element of a source program included so the programmer can remember what the hell it was he was doing six months later; only the weak-minded need them, according to those who think they aren't
commentator - an average potato
commercials - [Media] what the TV station is on the air to broadcast
committee - 1 a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours 2 the unwilling, selected from the unfit, to do the unnecessary 3 individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together 4 12 individuals doing the work of one 5 a life form with six or more legs and no brain
commitment - [Politics] more money from the government; cf. funding
commitment-minded - [Pers.] yeah, right
communication important - [Emp.] just try to get a word in edgewise
communication skills - [Emp.] management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it
commute - to travel to and from work without speaking
companionway - [Naut.] a double berth
compassion - [Politics] the use of tax money to buy votes
competitive salary - [Emp.] we remain competitive by paying less than our competitors
compliment - to say something to another which everyone knows isn't true
compromise - the art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece
compulsive gambler - a guy who would rather lay a bet
computer¹ - [Comput.] 1 box that you can never completely fill with money 2 very fast, very precise device for generating mistakes 3 a million morons working at the speed of light 4 the one thing in a woman's life that does exactly what she tells it to 5 an electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a totally understandable, rigorously logical manner; if you believe this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan
computer² - [Comput.] Up until 1945 a computer was a human being who did mathematical calculations. Of course, with modernization comes mechanization. The computer union couldn't hold back technology. Computers became first mechanical, then electronic, and the study of mathematics became the "new math" where 1 + 1 equals 3 in large values of 1.
computer³ - [Comput.] an instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for IBM.
computer chip - [Comput.] any starchy food stuff consumed in mass quantities while programming
computer club - [Comput.] used to strike computer forcefully upon receiving error messages
computer operator - [Comput.] one who has never heard of human error
computer salesperson - [Comput.] a person without the ethics to be a used car salesperson, and has absolutely no knowledge of computers
computer science - 1 a study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the precision of the former and the success of the latter 2 the post-Turing decline in formal systems theory
computer scientist - [Comput.] someone who fixes things that aren't broken
compile - [Comput.] a heap of decomposing vegetable matter
compiler - [Comput.] Noah Webster (1758-1843)
con artist - person who draws pictures of suspects
conceit - self-respect in someone we dislike
concept - any "idea" for which an outside consultant bills more than $25,000
concert - [Music] a breath mint for inmates
conclusion - the point at which somebody got tired of thinking
concussion - [Med.] a prisoner's sofa pillow
condescending - a skydiving felon
condom - 1 an apartment complex 2 something that should be worn on every conceivable occasion 3 a home for retired semen
condominiums - 1 apartments for mice 2 condoms for fleas, midgets, etc.
conduct - the prisoner stooped down when the book was thrown at him
conductor - musician who is adept at following many people at the same time
cone of confusion - [Aviation] an area about the size of the Isle of Man located near the final approach beacon at an airport
conference - 1 the confusion of one individual multiplied by the number present 2 a meeting of the bored 3 a special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what he's already decided to do
conference management - trying to herd cats
conference room - a place where everybody talks, nobody listens, and everybody disagrees later on
confirm - a criminal enterprise
confound - escaped prisoner recovered
confusion - 1 the oldest religion in China 2 Father's Day in (choose your favorite location) 3 a woman plus a left turn
conference - confusion of one person multiplied by the number present
congenital - [Med.] friendly
Congo - prison escape
congress - 1 the opposite of progress 2 political asylum
connoisseur - one who attains an obsessive knowledge of wines, audio equipment, cats or French cheeses so as to confer a sense of inadequacy on those who would simply enjoy them
conscience - 1 that part of the psyche which dissolves in alcohol 2 the thing that hurts when everything else feels good 3 a little voice that tells us someone may be watching
consciousness - that annoying time between naps
conscript - one who is forced to fight for freedom
consensus - a prison population survey
consent decree - a document in which a hapless company consents never to commit in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it never admitted to in the first place
conservation of energy - [Academia] skipping a lecture
conservative - 1 a liberal who has just been mugged 2 someone who believes that nothing should be done for the first time 3 one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run 4 <Franklin D. Roosevelt> a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk 5 <Elbert Hubbard> one who is opposed to the things he is in favor of 6 a fellow who, in his heart, really believes a rich person should get a square deal 7 <Leo C. Rosten> one who admires radicals centuries after they're dead
considerable - what bullfighters do
consist - growth on an inmate
console - 1 the bottom of a prisoner's shoe 2 [Comput.] what one does to a "down" computer
consolation - <Ambrose Bierce> the knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself
conspiracy - the opiate of the asses
constipation - [Med.] 1 endangered feces 2 to have and to hold 3 a document that was, before the Clinton administration, important to the U.S. government
constant - [Comput.] a type of pressure felt by programmers
consul - <Ambrose Bierce> in American politics, a person who having failed to secure and office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country
consult - <Ambrose Bierce> to seek another's disapproval of a course already decided on
consultant - 1 a jobless person who shows executives how to work 2 someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time 3 someone who knows 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date 4 any ordinary guy more than 50 miles from home 5 on a résumé, the working title of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job 6 a tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase and heavy wallet
consultation - [Med.] to share the wealth
Continental breakfast - 1 English for "not enough food" 2 a roll in bed with some honey
contingency fees - an amount greater than the gross national product of China
contingency fleas - little insects that live on an attorney's dog and his toupee
contents - where criminals sleep while camping
contraband - a group of Nicaraguan guerillas who play music
contraceptives - <Spike Milligan> labor-saving devices to be used on all conceivable occasions
contractor - a gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal
Contract with America - [Politics] a Republican plan to prove that government doesn't work
contralto - [Music] a low sort of music that only ladies sing
contrite - the lament of an illiterate person
control - a short, ugly inmate
convent - how inmates get air conditioning
convention - [Politics] four-day circuses where Republicans shout through their snouts and Democrats show their asses
conversation - 1 <Ambrose Bierce> a fair to the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe those of his neighbor 2 a vocal competition in which the one who is catching their breath is called the listener
conversation piece - a girl who likes to talk in bed
cook -[Par., Culin.] Mom's other name
cookie - [Culin.] 1 virgin doughnut 2 [Par.] the last item that must be eaten in front of a sibling
cookout - the cook's day off
copper nitrate - what policemen get paid for working evenings
copier - a device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages, and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't interested in reading them
copulate - what an Italian police chief says to an officer who doesn't get to work on time
copulation - sex between two consenting police
copyright - 1 to duplicate a computer disk without introducing errors 2 please ensure that you don't misspell the stuff you're stealing
coordinates - a couple of preachers
cordial - describes death by hanging
corduroy pillows - pillows that are making headlines
core memory - [Comput.] a Marine's nostalgia
core storage - [Comput.] a receptacle for the center section of apples
corkscrew - [Culin.] a device used to open a conversation
coronary - [Med.] a domesticated yellow bird
corporation - <Ambrose Bierce> an ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility
corrupt - [Politics] holding an office of trust or profit
corsair - <Ambrose Bierce> a politician of the seas
cortisone - [Med.] the local courthouse
Corvette - a person who has eaten lots of apples
cosine - when someone else agrees to pay your mortgage if you don't
cosmetics - means to prevent men from reading between the lines
couch potato - [Par.] what Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner
counter - [Comput.] a device over which Old Fashions are served
counterfeiter - [Econ.] 1 a worker who puts together kitchen furnishings 2 the only person who doesn't lose money on bad bills 3 a man who is always forging ahead in life 4 a rare individual who has no problem making money--only how to spend it
counter-intelligence - the force that causes individuals to vote democrat
courage - a fear extinguisher
court - place where they dispense with justice
cousin - the relative most likely to be responsible for your trouble
cow - machine that makes grass palatable for humans
coward - <Ambrose Bierce> one who, in case of danger, thinks with his legs
cowlick - bashing a cow
cowhide - game of hide and seek played by cows
CPU - /Central Propulsion Unit/ the computer's engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent: a gerbil if the machine is a Pentium, a ferret if it's a Pentium II, a castrated ferret if it's a Celeron, and a ferret on speed if it's a Pentium III or 4.
crab - [Aviation] the airport Duty Officer
cramming - eating too many snacks while studying
cranium - [Med.] place where large birds are kept
crap - what you'll find in a dyslexic fisherman's cooler
crash - normal termination
cravings - [Par., female-specific] an excuse to gluttonize your way through pregnancy
creative marketing - 15 doughnut shops next to 4 weight loss clinics
creator - <H. L. Mencken> a comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh
credit - [Econ.] 1 the stock in trade of people who are too timid to steal and too proud to beg 2 when hard to get, it is because either the man is not known--or because he is 3 a modern financial device which allows one to spend money one hasn't earned on things one doesn't need to impress people one doesn't like
credit card - [Econ.] 1 a way to increase one's yearning 2 a device that has divided America into two classes: those who have the latest gadgets, and those who pay cash 3 the financial version of fool's gold
creditor - [Econ.] 1 the one person who, in adversity, sticks by you closer than a friend 2 a person with a better memory than a debtor
cremation - [Culin.] used in coffee
Cremona - <Ambrose Bierce> a high-priced violin made in Connecticut
crescendo - [Music] getting louder--testing the neighbors' tolerance level
crestfallen - dropped toothpaste
crew - 1 a type of haircut favored by Reagan supporters 2 eight men and their sweet cox 3 [Media] a collective name for the group of peons who cover up for the television director
cribbage - a baby's bedroom
criminal - [Law] one who gets caught
criminal justice - [Law] when the accused and his attorney go to jail
criminal lawyer - [Law] a redundancy
criminologist - one who will tell you crime doesn't pay, unless, of course, you do it well
crisis - 1 when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing" 2 [Politics] any situation you want to change
critic - <Ambrose Bierce> a person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him
critical mass - religious service for book & film reviewers
critical path method - a management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control
criticism - a big bite out of someone's back
crockery - artistic medium of the politician
cross-country skiing - [Skiing] a traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-traveling technique that is good exercise, doesn't require the purchase of costly lift tickets, and has no crowds or lines, so it isn't skiing. See cross-country something-or-other.
cross-country something-or-other - [Skiing] touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculpted drift.
cross-eyed teacher - a teacher that loses control over his or her pupils
crowbar - where birds can get a drink
crust - part of a sandwich saved for the starving children of China, India, Africa, or Europe
crypto- - [Philos.] I'm the only one who knows your wrongness
cum laude - [Southern U.S.] how students in southern universities call dogs named Laude
cunnilingus - piece meal
cup holder - a CD-ROM drive
curiosity - a universal congenital disease, usually outgrown without impact
currant - to yell at a scoundrel
current - to lease a mangy dog
cursor - [Comput.] 1 an expert in 4-letter words, usually those uttered after a computer malfunction or a routine Windows upgrade 2 one whose program will not run
cyclic redundancy check - [Comput.] two locks on the same bicycle
cymbal - [Music] what they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with
cynic - 1 someone who smells the flowers and looks for the casket 2 one who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye 3 <Ambrose Bierce> one whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be
cynical - experienced
cystogram - [Med.] a cable sent to one's sister
da capo - [Music] a type of coffee
Dachshund - <H. L. Mencken> an animal half a dog high by a dog and a half long
Dalmatian - consignment to Hell
damnation - beaver country
dance - 1 a navel engagement without the loss of seamen 2 vertical expression of a horizontal idea
D&C - where Washington is
dare - not here
dark ages - 8 pm to 5:30 a.m. daily
data - an accrual of straws on the backs of theories
database - more information than you'll ever need
date - 1 [Par.] infrequent outings with dad where mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting 2 an organized meeting with someone who has yet to realize their intense dislike for you
date rape - [Law] sexual assault on a calendar
dating - the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future
daughter - a person who dad likes because she reminds him why he married his wife, and who mother is afraid of because she reminds her of why her husband married her
dawn - 1 <Ambrose Bierce> the time when men of reason go to bed 2 when the sun first shines on your hangover
day - <Ambrose Bierce> a period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent
daylight - a redundant word
daze - 1 opposite of knights 2 [Southern U.S.] they are
dead - terminally inconvenienced
dead reckoning - 1 [Aviation] you reckon correctly, or you are 2 [Naut.] a course leading directly to a reef
dead rise - [Naut.] getting up to check the anchor at 0300
deadline oriented - [Emp.] you'll be six months behind schedule on your first day
deadwood - anyone in your company who is more senior than you are
deafness - [Canine] this is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out; symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down
death - 1 something you can live without 2 nature's way of telling you to slow down 3 the one experience impossible to put into perspective afterwards 4 God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy 5 Life's answer to the question "Why?" 5 the greatest kick of all; that's why it is saved for last 6 shown to be 99% fatal to laboratory rats 7 the penultimate commercial transaction finalized by probate 8 to stop sinning suddenly
death row - a cemetery
death wish - the only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to
debate - [Politics] what lures de fish
debit - a common swear word for people who can't pay their bills
debridement - [Med.] the feeling experienced by the groom when his spouse-to-be gets cold feet
debris - 1 how Tattoo on Fantasy Island warns of an impending hurricane; Debris boss, debris! 2 de kiddie cut
debugging - [Comput.] removing the needles from the haystack. Note: The activity of debugging ends when a programmer gets tired of doing it, not when all the bugs are removed
debunk - where de cowboy sleeps
debut - de part of the body you must park to be seated
DEC - /Definitely Expect Cuts/ [Comput.]
decagon - de way you explain how your vehicle was a total washout in an accident
decaf - 1 [Culin.] used to sober up after drinking non-alcoholic beer 2 to deliver a newborn bovine; also, decaffeinated
decay - de letter which comes after de J
decimate - breed with ten people
decision maker - the person in your office who was unable to form a task force before the music stopped
decline - nudists in formation
deconstruction - [Philos.] 1 w/ri(gh)t(e) 2 if I grind you up I can show that even your molecules are wrong
decoy - a flashlight in the pants pocket
decrease - de fold in de pants
deduce - de lowest card in de deck
defame - <Ambrose Bierce> to lie about another. To tell the truth about another.
default - the hardware's, of course
default directory - [Comput.] a black hole: the place where all files that you need disappear to
defeated - chopped off at the ankles
defense - [Law} what you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de children play outside
defenseless - <Ambrose Bierce> unable to attack
deferral - don't hold your breath
defibrillation - [Med.] the act of resolving to tell the truth
defibrillator - [Med.] a lie detector
deficit - [Politics] 1 (when your party is out of power) the nation's biggest problem 2 (if your party is in power) a necessary economic stimulus
define - [Law] de ting you get fo' breakin' de law
déjà vu - 1 the illusion of having previously experienced something actually being encountered for the first time 2 the illusion of having previously experienced something actually being encountered for the first time
delay - the greatest remedy for anger
delayed payment - a tourniquet applied at the pockets
deliberation - <Ambrose Bierce> the act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on
delicate - dainty kitten who likes kosher food
deliver - 1 what too much alcohol affects 2 to remove the liver
deluxe - [Travel] barely standard
democracy - 1 how voters choose whom to blame 2 four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch 3 <Gerald Barry> you say what you like and do what you're told 4 <Charles Bukowski > the difference between a democracy and a dictatorship is that in a democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a dictatorship you don't have to waste your time voting. 5 <H. L. Mencken> the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard
demonstration - [Politics] a riot by people you agree with; cf. mob violence
demote - what de king put around de castle
denial - 1 how an optimist keeps from becoming a pessimist 2 a river in Egypt
denounce - words that name things, not de verbs, de adjectives, etc
dense - what your car gets in a fender bender
dentist - 1 <Ambrose Bierce> a prestidigitator who puts metal into your mouth, and pulls coins out of your pocket 2 one who lives from hand to mouth 3 one who repairs dings, hail damage, and other types of minor damage on automobiles 4 one who is always looking down in the mouth
dentures - two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed periodically to frighten one's grandchildren or provide accompaniment to Spanish music
Denver - a smallish city located just below the 'O' in Colorado
depth - height turned upside down
depressed - [Med.] 1 wrinkled 2 a fired journalist 3 no longer available in print
derail - the subway in Brooklyn
derive - something to avoid when you derink
derange - a place where de cowboys ride
deranged - driven off the ranch
dermatology - [Med.] rash judgments
deserter - soldier who stuffs himself with all the ice cream and cream cakes
design - what you regret not doing later on
design simplicity - [Ad.] it was developed on a shoe-string budget and manufacturer's cost cut to the bone
desk - a large wastebasket with drawers and a phone
despair - de extra tire in de trunk
despise - de persons who work for the CIA
dessert - [Culin.] the reason for eating a meal
destabilize - to take the horse out for a trot
detail - procedure performed on Boxer puppies, specif. to remove a tail
detention - what causes de stress
dethrone - place where people do their best thinking
deviated septum - [Med.] a septum with strange cravings
deviation - [Naut.] any departure from the Captain's orders
deviled eggs - [Culin.] what a wicked chicken lays
dew - air that looks wet
DHTML - [Comput.] d' new HTML: even more buggy than d' old one
diagnostic - [Med.] to expire not knowing whether God exists
dialectic - [Philos.] I'm right, but then again, I may be wrong
diamond - a woman's idea of a stepping stone to success
diamond ring - jewelry which can later be used as collateral for the divorce lawyers
diaphragm - [Med.] 1 a drawing in geometry 2 a childproof cap
diarrhea - 1 a journal of daily events 2 when you can't get your shit together
diary - 1 book of revelations 2 a book where you keep all of your deepest, most erotic, and intimate secrets because if you didn't, you'd forget them by next week
diatonic - [Music] 1 low fat drink 2 liquid poison
dictator - 1 another name for Richard Spud 2 a male potato
dictionary - a place where divorce comes before marriage and success comes before work
die - 1 <Ambrose Bierce> the singular form of "dice"; seldom used because of the proverb "never say die" 2 <Elbert Hubbard> to stop sinning suddenly
dieresis - a fear held by ambitious primates; If I don't stop monkeying around and evolve soon, I'll dieresis
diet - 1 for people who are thick and tired of it all 2 gut reaction 3 triumph of mind over platter 4 what some women do to their hair 5 keeping willpower dominant over won't power 6 the penalty for exceeding the feed limit 7 a brief period of starvation followed by a gain of five pounds
diet soda - [female-specific] a drink bought at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&M's.
digestion - <Ambrose Bierce> the conversion of victuals into virtues
digital - like those numbers that flip on your alarm clock
digital computer - someone who counts on his fingers
digit emitter - [Comput.] sandals
dilate - [Med.] to live long
dilated pupils - [Med.] Lamaze class graduates
dilation - [Med, Par.]one of those things a pregnant woman has to take her doctor's word for
dildo - a variety of sweet pickles
dilemma - 1 trying to believe someone you normally trust when you know you would lie if you were in their place 2 a type of pickle
dime - dollar after taxes
diminished fifth - [Music] an empty bottle of Jack Daniels
dimple - a pimple going the other way
dinghy - [Naut.] the sound of the ship's bell
dinosaur - how a giant lizard feels after a tough workout
diode - what happens to people who don't die young
dios - the one true operating system
dioxin - what you say before you kill a herd of buffalo-like cattle
diphthong - bimbo in a string bikini who slurs her speech
diploma - di man who fixes di pipes
diplomacy - 1 the art of letting someone else get your way 2 lying in state 3 saying, "nice doggy" until you find a large enough rock 4 saying, "go to hell" such that they look forward to the trip 5 the nastiest thing in the nicest way 6 <Ambrose Bierce> the patriotic art of lying for one's country
diplomat - 1 someone who has the same enemies as you 2 a government official who appeases high-ranking members of third world countries with free parking and a ten cent discount on US oil products 3 a man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat; cf. "salesman"
dip switch - how my sister gets a new boyfriend
direct sales only - [Ad.] factory had big argument with distributor
disappointment - a particular meeting
disbar - as distinguished from dat bar
disbelief - how you tell someone what the green stuff on a tree is
discord - dot to be confuse with datcord
discount - CD store inventory
discourse - [Philos.] talky talky
disdain - di one on your pants
disgruntled - pigs with laryngitis
disguise - such pains. Always troubling dismisses.
disk - [Comput.] what goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip
disk crash - [Comput.] a typical computer response to any critical deadline
dismantled - the New York Yankees after 1968
Disneyland - a people trap operated by a mouse
disobedience - <Ambrose Bierce> the silver lining to the cloud of servitude
disorient express - a state of confusion
dispirited - out of gin
displacement - [Naut.] when you dock your boat and can't find it later
disrobe - to tell off a monk at a nudist colony
dissects - killer intercourse
distinctive - [Ad.] a different shape and color than the others
diverse - poetry about death
divest - to change the color of a waistcoat
divorce - 1 postgraduate in School of Love 2 <Robin Williams> Latin for "to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet" 3 a change of wife
divorce court - hall of blame
D-minus - [Academia] a pretty good grade
DNA - building block of life; appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to nowhere
doctor - [Med.] 1 cures ills with pills and kills with bills 2 a lucky fellow who is privileged to undress women and go all over them without getting his face slapped 3 a professional who enjoys bad health
document - what you ask the doctor when you don't understand him
documentation - [Comput.] 1 describes the way the program used to be, or perhaps the way it should have been 2 instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English-speaking persons
dodo - a double negative with a head cold
dog - 1 a creature who hears a burglar, barks once, then hides in the closet 2 a foot warmer that must be fed
dog bed - [Canine] any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly-upholstered couch in the living room
doghouse - mutt hut
dog kennel - barking lot
dogma - puppy's mom
dogmatic - 1 run by canine power 2 man's best mechanical friend
dogmatism - fully grown puppymatism
dog paddle - a rolled-up newspaper with which to punish a dog without hurting it
dog pound - used cur lot
Dolly - a girl like ewe
donation - a country of female deer
donkey - instrument to get you into the godfather's house
dope traffic - dumb drivers
door - something a cat is always on the wrong side of
dorm - [Academia] student residence located only a few convenient miles from 8 a.m. classes
dorm room - [Academia] a small closet-like area inhabited by a pair of incompatible people
DOS /Dead On Site/ or /Defunct Operating System/ [Comput.] an operating system used by lemmings. DOS computers are by far the most popular. Macintosh users, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.
double-blind experiment - an experiment in which the chief researcher believes they are fooling both the subject and the lab assistant; often accompanied by a strong belief in the tooth fairy
dot matrix - [Comput.] old Dan Matrix's wife
double-blind experiment - an experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a strong belief in the tooth fairy.
doughnut - [Culin.] holey food
down for the count - 1 a nobleman's comforter 2 goose feathers for Dracula
download - [Comput.] 1 a truck full of feathers 2 how a computer eats
draft - an ill wind from which many a young man has caught his death
drainage - the length of time a sewer has been in existence
dramatize - what well-dressed actors wear
dreadlocks - fear of opening the deadbolt
drill press - a tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the rolling stones poster over the bench grinder
drill sergeant - private instructor
drinking glass - [Par.] any carton or bottle left open in the fridge
drool - [Canine] what you do when your persons have food and you don't; to do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps
drooling - [Par.] how teething babies wash their chins
drug - a substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific paper
duck - chicken on snow shoes
due date - [Academia] what only seems light-years away
duel - 1 a fight over love and money or jealousy and infidelity, for example 2 [Music] music sung by two people
duet - [Music] don't just sit there!
due tomorrow - [Academia] do tomorrow
dumbwaiter - one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert
dump - [Comput.] 1 a system programmer's work area 2 the place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install your computer 3 a place where bad mechanics go shopping for parts
dust - 1 insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone 2 mud with the juice squeezed out
dust rags - see "Dad's underwear"
Dutch treat - when two businessmen have dinner and each uses his own expense account
duties will vary - [Emp.] anyone in the office can boss you around
duty - <Oscar Wilde> what one expects from others
DWORD - [Comput.] four-letter words used by programmers in a state of confusion
dyke - a woman who kick-starts her vibrator
dysentery - what you get when dissent merges with commentary
ear - a place where kids store dirt
earnest - hair growing in a man's ears
earthquake - a topographical error
Easter - not as far west
easy - a woman who has the morals of a man
Easy Street - a line of blondes
eat - [Par.] what kids do between meals, but not at them
eclipse - what a barber does
echo - the only thing that can't stop you getting the last word
eclectic - [Philos.] you are wrong in a lot of different ways
economics - [Econ.] the science dealign with life's two greatest problems: how to make money, and how to get along without it 2 the only academic field where two people can win the Nobel prize for proposing opposite theories 3 a discipline governed by some laws that do not apply to the female gender--a woman without principle always draws interest
economist - [Econ.] 1 an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today 2 a person who knows more about money than people who have it 3 one of a group of people who, if laid end to end, couldn't reach a conclusion 4 one of a band of educated men and women who define and codify the laws of greed 5 an ambidextrous individual who is always saying, "...on the other hand" 6 one who firmly believes that they are needed by the poor to tell them that they are 7 a person who works with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant
economy - [Econ.] 1 buying the tank of gas that you can't afford for the car you couldn't afford 2 a fool's goal--and he will pay any price to get it
ecstasy - the feeling you get when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before
ecstatic - formerly charged with electric particles
ecumenical - learning to get along with the opposite sects
edible - <Ambrose Bierce> good to eat and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm
editing - a rewording activity
editor - one who spends their time righting instead of writing
educated - [Pers.] college dropout
education - 1 <Ambrose Bierce> that which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding 2 [Politics] proof positive that government can do some things more economically than private enterprise 3 <B. F. Skinner> what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten
education budget - [Academia] money you allocate each month for movies and magazines
egghead - 1 what Mrs. Dumpty gives Humpty 2 a a brainy student who studies all the time and gets straight A's b that same student once you've dropped eggs on him from the roof of the science lab
ego - that part of the psyche that realizes there is an outside world filled with idiots
egocentric - a person who believes he is everything you know you are
egotist - 1 someone who is usually me-deep in conversation 2 one who suffers from I strain 3 <Ambrose Bierce> a person of poor taste who is more interested in himself than you 4 someone who talks much and thinks little 5 one who does crossword puzzles with a pen
ejaculate - Jill greeting her boyfriend and informing him he's been tardy again
elastic - a synthetic material designed to make Oprah's pants
election - an advance auction of stolen goods
election campaigning - [Politics] foreplay before you get screwed
electrician - 1 a person who wires for money 2 a switch doctor
electrocution - burning at the stake with all the modern improvements
electroshock - [Med.] the effect of a utility bill
elephant - 1 a mouse built to government specifications 2 a useful animal with a vacuum cleaner in front and a rug beater at the back
elixir - [Med.] what a dog does to his owner when she gives him a bone
elliptical - what a kiss feels like
elope - to form a secret merger
eloquence - <François de la Rochefoucald> saying the proper thing and stopping
emergency numbers - the police station, fire department, and places that deliver
emesis - [Med.] a pop group with Phil Collins
emotion - a vibrating web page
emotional issue - [Politics] a political controversy involving the convictions of conservatives; cf. matter of principle
emotionally secure - [Pers.] medicated
employed - [Pers.] has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
empty nest - [Par.] see "wishful thinking"
encrypt - 1 where Egyptian mummies sleep 2 what one does with a dead language
enema - 1 not a friend 2 a goose with a gush
energy - [Par.] element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something
enhance - to tamper with an image, usually to its detriment
engineer's estimate - the cost of construction in heaven
engine failure - [Aviation] a condition which occurs when all fuel tanks become filled with air
enjoys arts & opera - [Pers.] snob
enjoys nature - [Pers.] bring your own granola
enlist - n, n, n, n, n
en masse - a large Sunday morning church service
enough - The End
enter - Northerner talk fer, c'mon in y'all
enthusiasm - the energy of youth that goes away with experience
entrance exam - a precoital check-up
entreprenuer - a high-rolling risk taker who would rather be a spectacular failure than a dismal success
entry-level - [Emp.] pays nothing
entomology - to fear no weevil
envelope - <Ambrose Bierce> the coffin of a document; the scabbard of a bill; the husk of a remittance; the bed-gown of a love-letter
envy - wishing one had born with an unfair advantage, instead of having to try and acquire one
epiphenomenon - [Philos.] this sentence is neither right nor wrong, as it is the product of a chemical reaction
episiotomy - [Med.] cutting a wide birth
epistemology - [Philos.] how I know I'm right and you're wrong
epistle - what apostle's are always firing off
epitaph - a statement that lies above about the person that lies below
epoch - the sound made by a hen
EPS - /eventual prison sentence/ [Econ.]
erection - when the Japanese vote for their new government officials
Erie canal - a spooky waterway
erode - he didn't walk
erogenous zone - the skin you touch to love
erotic - small bug from Europe
error - [Comput.] 1 someone else's non-satisfaction with your computer output 2 what you made the first time you walked into a computer showroom to "just look"
error message - [Comput.] terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings, e.g., Welcome to Windows!
erudite - exhibiting a degree of book learning fatal to success in any business or romantic enterprise
escape - one size larger than an "R" cape
escape sequence - [Comput.] distract guard, dig tunnel, cut through fence...
esplanade - an explanation attempted while drunk
estimated position - [Naut., Aviation] a place you have marked on the chart where you are sure you are not
etc. - used to make it appear as if you know more than you do etc
eternity - [female-specific] 1 the last two minutes of a football game 2 the length of time between when you come and he leaves
Ethernet - [Comput.] a devithe for catching the Ether Bunny
etiquette - 1 when you make your guests feel at home when you wish they were 2 saying "No, thank you," when you want to yell, "Gimme!"
eulogy - study of the 25th letter
eunuch - a man cut out to be a bachelor
Europe - the next one to bat
Eustachian - "gesundheit!"
euthanasia - [Med.] young people from Asia
evangelist - <Ambrose Bierce> a bearer of good tidings who gives us the good news and assures us of our own salvation and damnation of our neighbors
evaporate - [par.] magic trick performed by children when it comes time to clear the table or wash the dishes
evil - Adam's wife is sick
evolution - 1 from goo to you by way of the zoo 2 Nature's way of upgrading the hardware 3 how scientists make monkeys of themselves
excel - a freed prisoner
exception - <Ambrose bierce> a thing which takes the liberty to differ from other things of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman, etc. "The exception proves the rule" is an expression constantly upon the lips of the ignorant, who parrot it from one another with never a thought of its absurdity. In the Latin, "Exceptio probat regulam" means that the exception tests the rule, puts it to the proof, not confirms it. The malefactor who drew the meaning from this excellent dictum and substituted a contrary one of his own exerted an evil power which appears to be immortal.
excitement - two women plus one secret
exclusive - [Ad.] 1 we're the only ones who have the documentation 2 imported product
excuse me - [Par.] one of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children
executive suite - a sugar daddy
exegesis - [Philos.] I know what it means and I can discourse all day about it; cf. hermeneutics
exercise - [female-specific] to walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
exercise nut - someone who works hard convincing himself that exercise isn't work
exhibitionist - a person who discards three aces in strip poker
existential - [Philos.] don't feel bad--everyone is wrong
Ex-Lax - formerly the Los Angeles Airport
exotic dancer - a girl who brings home the bacon a strip at a time
expansion slots - [Comput.] the extra holes in your belt buckle
expansion unit - [Comput.] the new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals
expectation - a gay couple buying a baby's cot
expelled - a retired witch
expense - [Econ.] something not hard to meet--they're everywhere
expense account - [Econ.] 1 a system which allows you to squander money before the government gets a chance to do it for you 2 corporate food stamps
experience - 1 perils of wisdom 2 what causes one to think twice before saying nothing 3 <Oscar Wilde> a name everyone gives to his mistakes 4 what you get when you don't get what you want 5 <Ambrose bierce> the wisdom that enables us to recognize as an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced 6 [Emp.] something you can't get unless you've already got it, in which case you probably don't want any more of it
experiment - an undertaking to prove a hypothesis, such as "one-legged cats are easier to throw," or "cats without legs never land on all fours"
expert - 1 an unknown drip under pressure 2 someone who comes from out of town and shows slides 3 a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy
exploration - beating around the bush
explore on your own - [Travel] at your own expense
express - formerly of print media
extended beta - [Ad.] the production release will be "real soon now"
extent - place to put your former spouse
external storage - [Comput.] wastebasket
extra credit - [Academia] what you wish you had on your credit card
extravagance - the way other people spend money
extremely professional - [Emp.] I carry a day-timer
eye - [Par.] the highly vulnerable optical system which, according to Mom, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife
eye contact - a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him; despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest
eyedropper - [Med.] a clumsy ophthalmologist
eye for detail - [Emp.] we have no quality control
e-z out bolt and stud extractor - a tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is 10 times harder than any known drill bit
f - [Music] loud, the neighbors are out
F - [Academia] school grade that can usually be altered to look like a "B"
fable - a story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew
facts - things which tend to moderate opinions
fad - 1 in one era and out the other 2 a folly committed by enough of the right people to confer upon it a badge of status
fairy tale - a horror story to prepare children for the newspapers
faith - 1 <Ambrose bierce> belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel 2 where your eyeth, nothe and mouth are located 3 That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be untrue
fakir - a psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished
fallacy - [Philos.] why you don't even know you're wrong
false consciousness - [Philos.] deep down you know I'm right
falsehood - someone who pretends to be a gangster
false pregnancy - laboring under a misconception
family planning - [Par.] the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
fanatic - 1 one who, having lost sight of his goal, redoubles his efforts 2 <Winston Churchill> one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject 3 where you store your fans in the winter
fan club - weapon used by a celebrity so he won't be crushed by fans
fancy restaurant - [Culin.] one that serves cold soup on purpose
far - [Southern U.S.] a conflagration
fast-paced company - [Emp.] we have no time to train you
fashion - 1 something that goes in one year and out the other 2 a form of ugliness so intolerable that it changes every six months 3 <Ambrose Bierce> a despot whom the wise ridicule and obey
fast food - [Culin.] economy gastronomy
fastidious - girl who is both easy and hideous
fatalist - one who passes all his days in continual expectation of the unexpected
fat free - no extra charge for the fat
father - 1 a banker provided by nature 2 someone who has redeemed the money in his wallet for snapshots
father-in-law - the fellow who is now happy to have paid for the wedding because now his wife has another man to harass
Father's Day - nine months before labor day
fear - /False Evidence Appearing Real/
feast - an eat wave
feast of the vestal virgins - cherries jubilee
featherbrained - fuzzyheaded
feather head - an American Indian chief
feature - [Comput.] 1 a hardware limitation as described by a marketing representative 2 a defect with seniority 3 a surprising property of a program, occasionaly documented. To call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though not necessarily wrong response. A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it. That's not a bug, it's a feature!
feces - what Bill Clinton sees in the mirror
federal budget - [Politics] a work of fiction about government spending
feedback - [Par.] the inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots
felicity - a town inhabited by happy cats
feline - opposite of "he" lion
felonious assault - attacking someone with a cat
felt tip - past tense for a breast examination
feminism - a political position which seeks to rebuild society so that both men and women are treated as women wish to be treated
femur - not a male
ferret - 1 cross between a dachshund and a cat 2 chaos theory with teeth, claws, and a slight odor
ferritin - [Med.] searching for something hurriedly
fester - 1 quicker than someone else 2 actor in Gunsmoke
fete - a boring party worse than death
fetus - [Med.] a character on Gunsmoke
feudalism - it's your Count that votes
ff - [Music] very loud, to hell with the neighbors
fib - <Ambrose Bierce> a lie that hasn't cut it's teeth yet; a habitual liar's nearest approach to the truth
fiber - edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume wood-pulp
fibrillate - [Med.] to tell a lie in the wee hours of the morning
fibroblast - [Med.] health food binge
fibula - [Med.] small lie
fiction - 1 the story told by a completed income tax form 2 can't hold a scandal to biography
fidelity - <Ambrose Bierce> a virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed
fiddle - <Ambrose Bierce> an instrument to tickle the human ear by rubbing a horse's tail on the gut of a sheep
field-tested - [Ad.] the manufacturer lacked test equipment
file¹ - what your secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes
file² - [Comput.] a document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet--except that when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.
filibuster - throwing one's wait around
filing cabinet - a four drawer, manually activated trash compactor
film - a substance which develops over your eyes after watching the same bugs bunny cartoon three times this week
film department - [Media] a museum of people who still have the mistaken notion that television is an art
filter - [Comput.] software that corrupts one file format into another. Many email programs offer the capability to filter email directly into the trash.
finance - [Econ.] modern civilisation's art of passing currency from hand to hand until it multiplies at the top, slips through countless middle hands, and disappears from the bottom
finance company - [Econ.] a loan wolf
financial planner - [Econ.] a guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes
financier - [Econ.] 1 a pawnbroker with imagination 2 a successful person who can earn money faster than his family can spend it
fine - tax for doing wrong; cf. tax
fingers - digital calculators
finite - Sir Lancelot
fire escape - a way for a fire to go out
fireproof - being related to the boss
firewall - [Aviation] section of the aircraft specially designed to let heat and smoke enter the cockpit
first inversion - Grandpa's battle group at Normandy
first lady - Eve
first mate - [Naut.] crew member necessary for skippers to practice shouting instructions to
First Officer - [Aviation] crew member necessary for Captains to practice shouting instructions to
first trimester - [Par.] the first three months of pregnancy when you wonder, "Is it too late to hire a surrogate mother?"
fish and ships - what sea monsters eat
fish bowl - a glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly promoted managers are kept for observation
fish fryer - a chip monk
fishing - 1 the act of drowning worms on a hook 2 a man's way of hiding a drinking problem
fission - outdoor sport favored by nuclear physicists
fitness - salvation through perspiration
fixed word length - [Comput.] four-letter words used by programmers to describe their state of confusion
fjord - a Norwegian automobile manufacturer
flabbergasted - appalled about weight gain
flail - not to succeed
flare - [Aviation] <Rod Machado> a lighted stick thrown out the window to alert others you are landing
Flash - [Comput.] what some people do to catch your eye
flashlight - a device for storing dead batteries
flatulence - an emergency vehicle for steamroller accident victims
flight schedule - [Aviation] an entertaining work of paperback fiction
flippant - like a fish
flirt - 1 a woman who thinks it's every man for herself 2 a girl whose favorite man is the next one
flirtation - attention without intention
floor - [Par.] place for all food not found on lap or chair
floor director - [Media] somebody with the mental acumen of a fig bar who is still trying to develop manual skills and must be counted to
floppy - 1 the state of your wallet after purchasing a computer 2 the condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food
floppy disc - 1 serious curvature of the spine 2 whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
florist - petal pusher
flow chart - a graphic representation of a bowl of spaghetti
fluorologist - floor washer with a college degree
flying saucers - the wife is on a rampage
fog - 1 the air apparent 2 [Aviation] a natural weather phenomenon which usually occurs around an airport while the surrounding areas are clear. Fog is controlled by the airlines and is used to delay flights
fog lamps - excessively or obnoxiously bright lamps mounted on the fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the driver's brain is in a fog; see also "idiot lights"
food - [Par.] the response mom usually gives in answer to the question "What's for dinner tonight?"
food groups - [Culin.] chocolate, beer, potato chips and ice cream
fool - <Jose Ortega y Gasset> one who does not suspect himself
foolproof operation - [Ad.] all parameters are hard coded, with no provision for adjustments
foot - a device for finding furniture in the dark
football - a sport where a spectator takes four quarters to finish a fifth
footnote - sole music
forced - place that's full of trees
forebears - ancestors who were in favor of grizzlies
forecast¹ - a prediction of the future, based on the past, for which the forecaster demands payment in the present
forecast² - the reason for an audition
forecasts - what you need when you break both arms and legs
foreclose - in favor of or regarding apparel; If I buy food, I'll have no money foreclose
foreign film - any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western
forepaws - moment of silence before a golfer tees off
foreskin - between threeskin and fiveskin
forest - in favor of taking it easy
forestall - to delay a golf game
forestalls - where two pairs of horses are kept
forfeit - what most animals stand on
forger - a person who gives checks a bad name
forgetfulness - a gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience
fork - eating utensil made obsolete by the discovery of fingers
form - administrative currency
formal - both socks must match; cf. informal, semiformal
fornication - a term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with
fortify - more than forty-four, less than forty-six
fortitude - life after age forty-one
FORTRAN - /Fortunately Our Readers Take Refreshers At Night school/ [Comput.]
fortress - shampoo's use
forum - 1 to like Bacardi more than Absolut 2 a quartet of American Indian golfers
foul language - cheep-cheep-cheep
foul wind - breeze produced by flying turkey
486 - 1 the average IQ needed to understand a PC 2 the number of times per day a system running Windows crashes
404 - this definition could not be found
four years - [Academia] typical response to the question, "How long have you been a senior?"
fracture - [Med.] a number less than one
Frankenstein - a hot dog and a mug of beer
free - the number preceding fore
freeboard - food and liquor supplied by the owner
freelance - to collect unemployment
free spirit - [Pers.] substance user
French horn - [Music] your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.
fried foods - [Culin.] gourmet cooking
friend - 1 a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing 2 one who knows you well, but likes you anyway
friendship - <Ambrose Bierce> a ship big enough to carry two in fair weather but only one in foul
friendship first - [Pers.] trying to plan how he will get into your pants
frigid - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightie
frog - 1 <Ambrose Bierce> an amphibian with edible legs 2 the only living thing that has more lives than a cat: it croaks every night
frozen - [Par.] 1 the condition of children's jaws when spinach is served 2 how Hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle
fruit - [Culin., Par.] a natural sweet not to be confused with dessert
fruit punch - [Culin.] a gay boxing match
frustration - an emotional state experienced by a one-handed man hanging from a cliff with a bad itch
frying pan - [Culin.] standard instrument of destruction for eggs, pancakes, and various vegetable matter. Remains may be removed from surface with diluted solution of sulfuric acid.
fuchsia - opposite of past
f*** off - the tie breaker at the Miss America Beauty Pageant
fugue - [Music] a dispute, such as that between the Hatfields and McCoys
full grown - really loud moan
full name - [Par.] what you call your child by when you're mad at him
full score - [Music] ten out of ten
fun - [Pers.] annoying
fundamentalist - one who is beneath thought
fundi - [Med.] what the Princess of Wales was before she married Charles
funding - [Politics] money from the government; cf. commitment
funeral home - a stately manse occupied by transients who continually receive visitors but lack the energy and inclination to entertain them
fungi - [Med.] 1 life of the party 2 what Prince Charles was before Diana
funny paper - 1 a paper that laughs 2 the paper you read instead of going to church
future - <Ambrose Bierce> that period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured
futuristic - [Ad.] 1 there's no other reason for it to look the way it does 2 it only runs on the next-generation supercomputer
gallery - ladies' room
gambler - someone who refuses to work today because he expects to win at the races tomorrow
ganglia - [Med.] a very tall thin person
gangrene - money used by groups of street hoodlums to procure drugs
garage - [Par.] a collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself
garage sale - where you buy things you don't really want, but the price is low enough to make you want it
garbage - [Comput.] highly aromatic computer output
garbage can - [Canine] a container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity; you must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose, and, if you do it right, you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread
gardener - plant manager
gardening - the act of making your own bed and lying about it
gardens - weed 'em and reap
gargoyle - olive-flavored mouthwash
Gatorade - 1 Florida environmental group 2 welfare for reptiles
gaucho - the Marx brothers' South American cousin
genius - a nudist with a memory for faces
genealogy - 1 chasing your own tale 2 <Ambrose Bierce> an account of one's descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own 3 it's all relative in the end anyway 4 searching for old papers trying to make a better name for oneself 5 the study of Barbara Eden
generous - to give freely of oneself as long as it doesn't require time or money
genetic engineering - tampering with chromosomes so that science might develop a new miracle cure or a rabbit that plays the banjo
genetics - the science of why you look like your father, or if you don't, why you should
genital - [Med.] non-Jewish
genius - 1 a chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with "bright" 2 a nudist with a memory for faces 3 an individual clever enough to be born in the right place at the right time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying all the right things to all the right people
geniuses - [Par.] amazingly, all of mom's kids
genlock - why he stays in the bottle
genocide - the mass slaughter of genies
genotype - [Med.] 1 the kind of girl Gino likes 2 what Eugene does at the office
gentile - 1 where the groom and best man walk 2 a small island for men only
gentility - [Econ.] that which is left over from rich forbears after the money is gone
gentle - [Pers.] comatose
gentle breezes - [Travel] in hurricane alley
gentleman - 1 one who is always careful after goosing a young lady, to restore her dress to its former position 2 one who is always careful to rest at least half his weight on his elbows
German-Chinese cuisine - half an hour after you eat it, you're hungry for power
germinate - to become a naturalized German
germs - [Par.] the only things kids share freely
ghost - <Ambrose Bierce> the outward and visible sign of an inward fear
ghost town - a town full of haunted houses
gigolo - 1 a fee male 2 the egg that laid the golden goose
ginger ale - a drink that feels like your foot when it goes to sleep
Girl Scout - 1 a boy on the prowl for girls 2 someone who knows the lay of the land and will take you to her
G.I. series - [Med.] World Series of military baseball
glacier - man who fixes windows
gladiator - what you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth
glamour girl - a much publicized young thing who is full of oomf, and frequently full of other things; one who doesn't worry about the meat shortage
glass - Chinese marijuana
Glee Club groupie - a girl into choral sex
glide distance - [Aviation] half the distance from an airplane to the nearest emergency landing field
gloves - designed to be tight enough around the wrist to restrict circulation, but not so close fitting as to allow any manual dexterity. They should also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any dampness within to escape.
gluttonous - hippobottomless
God - /Generator, Operator and Destroyer/ 1 the only one who actually knows what's going on 2 when you forget someone's name, use this one 3 Darwin's chief rival
going for a smoke - [Academia] intro electronics lab
gold - <Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"> a soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold hasn't done anything to them.
gold-digger - 1 a sweet young girl with the gift of grab 2 one who believes in sinner take all
golf - 1 only game where players get teed off before starting 2 game where the ball usually lies poorly and the player well 3 lovely walk spoiled by a little white ball 4 baseball for those that don't have eight friends 5 game where ya gotta get it up to get it in 6 <Woodrow Wilson> a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose 7 <Chi Chi Rodriguez> the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off 8 a game where you come up with different strokes for different lies 9 a game that you gotta have balls to play
golfer - one who yells "Fore!", takes five, writes down three
gonzo - no dweeb
goodbye - a bargain
good government - [Politics] an oxymoron with the benefit of alliteration
good listener - [Pers.] borderline autistic
goose bumps - [Canine] a maneuver to use as a last resort when the regular bump doesn't get the attention you require; especially effective when combined with the sniff
gossip - 1 a 24-hour teller 2 a person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage 3 someone with a sense of rumor 4 someone who syndicates their conversation 5 the knife of the party 6 one who lets the chat out of the bag 7 hearing something one likes about someone one doesn't
goto - [Comput.] <Ray Simard> a programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers to complain about unstructured programmers
gourmet - [Culin.] 1 a food fetishist 2 anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're leaving the best part
government - 1 not a solution, but a problem 2 [Politics] having rich people give money and jobs to democrats
government expert - one who complicates simple things
grade - [Academia] an unrealistic and limited measure of academic accomplishment
graft - an illegal means of uniting trees to make money
grammarian - a well spoken grandmother
granary - a home for female senior citizens
grandfather - a man whose daughter once married someone who was vastly her inferior mentally but consequently gave birth to unbelievably brilliant grandchildren
grand meta-narrative - [Philos.] he thinks he's right about everything
grandmother - a babysitter who doesn't hang around the refrigerator
grandparents - [Par.] the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right
grand slam - 1 a honeymoon 2 having sex with four women at the same time
granite - presupposed; to take things for granite
grape - 1 a non-intoxicating wine in pill form 2 uninteresting larval stage of wine
Grape Nuts - 1 a vintner's disease 2 oneophiles
gravity¹ - 1 not just a good idea, it's the law! 2 what one gets after eating too much
gravity² - [Skiing] one of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers. The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam; the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive ski resort parking lots.
great lover - a man who can breathe through his ears
great parking spot - [Academia] any parking spot
gridlock - [Politics] Republican philosophy of governing
grippe - a handle on a suitcase for flu medicines
grits - cream of wheat with an attitude
grocery list - [female-specific] what you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store
gross ignorance - 144 times worse than ordinary ignorance
ground beef - a cow with no legs
groundhog - sausage
ground water - crushed ice
group - [Aviation] a large loud pack of passengers traveling together. The group leader, who has the tickets, usually waits in the bar until the required pre-board time of five minutes before departure, or until there are no seats left together, whichever occurs last. Reservation agents are prohibited form pre-assigning seats to groups as this may convenience them
G-string - [Music] 1 part of a violin 2 a gownless evening strap
GUI - /Grab the User In the face/ [Comput.] what a computer becomes after dropping a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on it
guillotine - a French chopping center
guilt trip - the nuclear weapon of relationships
gum - adhesive for hair
gun - instrument used in the rectification of national boundaries
guru - 1 one who knows more jargon than you 2 a person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the phone call you are about to receive from your boss 3 a computer owner who can read the manual
gynecologist - [Med.] someone who spends their time spreading old wives' tails
habeas corpus - a rash under the arm pits
habituate - disgusting mannerisms
hacker - [Comput.] a master byter
hacksaw - one of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
hairdresser - [female-specific] someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again; AKA "Magician"
hair transplant - reseeding for the receeding
hallow - can you go?
hamlet - a little pig
hammer - originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object one is are trying to hit.
hamper - [Par.] a wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing
hand - <Ambrose Bierce> an instrument worn at the end of the human arm and often put into somebody's pocket
hand-crafted - [Ad.] the assembly machines were operated without gloves on
handkerchief - cold storage
handicap - head cover that is easy to locate and wear
Handi-wipes - [par.] pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc
hands - body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal
hand scanner - [Comput.] a singles bar prowler looking for wedding rings
handshaking protocol - [Comput.] a process employed by hostile hardware devices to initate a terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling
handsome - [Pers.] would frighten a Martian
hanging - 1 a suspended sentence 2 an early western form of bungee jumping
hangnail - a coat hook
hangover - 1 the wrath of grapes 2 mourning after the night before 3 the burden of proof
happily married couple - husband out with another man's wife
happiness - 1 an illusion caused by the temporary absence of reality 2 not a state to arrive at, but a manner of traveling 3 your mother-in-law's picture on the back of a milk carton 4 something that can't buy money 5 <Ambrose Bierce> an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another
hara-kiri - transporting a wig
harangue - <Ambrose Bierce> a speech by an opponent, who is known as an harangue-outang
harass - her rear end
hard - the quality of one's own data; also how it is to believe those of other people
hard drive - [Comput.] 1 the sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a syntax error 2 getting home in wintertime
hardship - ship protected by thick cover
hardware - [Comput.] 1 the parts of a computer which can be kicked 2 tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment, that you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer
hardware store - [female-specific] similar to a black hole in space: if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
harp - [Music] a naked piano
harpist - [Music] a plucky musician
haste cuisine - fast French food
hatchet - what a hen does to an egg
hate crime - who doesn't?
Hawaiian garland - lei of the land
hay - grass a-la-mowed
headlight - a dizzy spell
headwaiter - someone whose job is putting people in their place
hearsay - [Par.] what toddlers do when they hear a dirty word
headway - what you are making if you can't get the toilet to work
health - the slowest possible rate at which one can die
heap - [Comput.] what you are left in when your computer crashes
hearing - what a husband loses after the honeymoon
hearse - not hiss
heart - [Med.] bow & arrow target
heave ho - what you do when you've eaten too many Ho-Ho's
heaven - <Elbert Hubbard> the Coney island of the Christian imagination
heavy - one who has been seduced by the chocolate side of the force
heavy duty - loading an elephant
Hebrew - 1 manly beer 2 a male teabag
help - [Comput.] the feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.
hemoglobin - [Med.] the bloody state of the world
hemorrhoid - a male from outer space
hen - egg spurt
hence - enclosure around a hen yard
henpecked husband - one who is afraid to tell his pregnant wife that he is sterile
hepatitis - [Med.] terminal coolness
herbalist - a follower of Herb
here at last! - [Ad.] a rush job; nobody knew it was coming
heredity - the theory that states if your parents can't have children, neither can you
hermeneutics - [Philos.] what I mean; cf. exegesis
hermit - a man who'd rather get off by himself
hernia - [Med.] pertaining to a female's knee
herpes - the final proof that it is better to give than to receive. Much better.
heroes - what a guy in a boat does
heterodyne - eating with someone of the opposite sex
hex dump - [Comput.] where witches put used curses
high accuracy - [Ad.] 1 all the parts fit on this unit 2 all the directories compare
high concept - low brow
high curve - [Academia] an average score of 45%
high fidelity - a drunk who always goes home to his wife
high level language - how the posh people talk
highly motivated to succeed - [Emp.] the minute I find a better job, I'm out of there
high noon - a four martini lunch
high-performance PC - one which throws a lot of tantrums
high reliability - [Ad.] we made it work long enough to ship it
high school - school atop Mount Everest
high speed printer - [Comput.] wife writing checks
high technology - a California innovation composed of equal parts of silicon and marijuana
high visibility position - [Emp.] if you screw up, you'll get fired and everyone will know
high water - main reason Noah built the ark
hiking - friendly greeting for a male monarch
Himalayan - rooster laying an egg
hindsight - [Par.] what Mom experiences from changing too many diapers
hippocampus - [Med.] a medical school where even a hippo can pass
hiring - an expensive wedding band or similar item of jewelry
histology - the scientific study of snakes, cats & leaky tires
historian - 1 <H. L. Mencken> an unsuccessful novelist 2 <Ambrose Bierce> a broad-guage gossip
history - 1 a distillation of rumor 2 <Voltaire> a set of fables agreed upon by the victor 3 <Ambrose Bierce> an account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools
hobby - getting exhausted on your own time
holiday - the time when you find out where not to go next year
Hollerith - [Comput.] what thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth
holy smoke - an emanation from a church on fire
holy war - a war, for God's sake
holy water - a liquid whose chemical formula is H₂OLY
home - a dwelling that ideally has the same number of bathrooms as people
home cooking - place where many a man thinks his wife is
homemade bread - object of fiction like the fountain of youth and the golden fleece
homepage - when your family makes your beeper go off
homeopathist - <Ambrose Bierce> the humorist of the medical profession
homeopathy - <Ambrose Bierce> a school of medicine midway between Allopathy and Christian Science. To the last both the others are distinctly inferior, for Christian Science will cure imaginary diseases, and they can not.
homosexual - a man's man
honesty - pregnant woman buying two tickets on a bus
honeymoon - 1 a short period of doting between dating and debting 2 the time between "I do" and "You'd better!" 3 morning after the knot before
honeymoon salad - lettuce alone, with no dressing
honor - almost as good as in 'er.
hook - a a curved piece of metal used to catch fish b a clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his life's savings on a new rod and reel c the punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings
hooker - a working woman commonly despised by people who sell themselves for even less
Horatio - the numeric relationship between hookers and tourists in the New Orleans French quarter
horizon - a call girl waking up
hormone - [Med.] a noise from the brothel next door
horoscope - 1 optical device used to observe distant prostitutes 2 study of the stars and planets to tell you how unlucky you are
horrible - a scary male bovine
horrified - a woman is who's sleazily dressed
horse - stable animal
horseback - return of laryngitis
horse doctor - a physician with a sore throat
horse sense - 1 stable behavior 2 the thing a horse has that keeps it form betting on people
horse show - a lot of horses showing their asses to a lot of horse's asses showing their horses
hospital - [Med.] a prostitute's spittoon
hospital - place where the run down wind up
hospitality - 1 making your guests feel at home, even though you wish they were 2 <Ambrose Bierce> the virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain persons who are not in need of food and lodging
hot - blood-pumping organ
hotel - place where dollars are given for quarters
hot pants - breeches of promise
hors d'oeuvres - [Culin.] a sandwich cut into 20 pieces
housekeeper - party awarded the domicile in a divorce
houseplant - a vegetable companion; a pleasant green pet that rarely bites or throws up on the carpet
hug - a roundabout way of expressing affection
huh - [Par.] the primary word of the teenage language
hula - welcome waggin'
human - 1 a useful domestic animal, popular with cats 2 a complex mechanism used to convert coffee into urine
humbug - a cockroach that forgot the words
humerus - [Med.] tell us what we want to hear
humor - a feat, after the invention of language, which is man's proudest achievement
humorous - caustic
Hungarian - a very well-endowed man from Gary, Indiana
hung chow - Chinese constipation
hung jury - jury with big genitals
hunger - [Academia] condition produced by five minutes of continuous studying
hunter - a son of a gun of a small caliber and is an immense bore
hunters - deer people
husband - 1 a lover who pushed his luck too far 2 what remains after the never has been killed 3 a man who wins his wife with a lot of soft soap and ends up doing the dishes
hyacinth - used to greet Cindy
hydraulic floor jack - used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air dam
hydrophobia - [Med.] fear of utility companies
hydroplane - [Aviation] an airplane designed to land on a wet runway, 20,000 feet long
hymn - a song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range
hyper- - [Philos.] you'd be right if you could learn to state things paradoxically
hyperspace - more energetic than normal space
hyphae - what the doctor charges
hypochondria - [Med.] compulsively feeling like a hippopotamus
hypochondriac - [Med.] someone who won't let well enough alone
hypocrite - 1 a man who says he likes cats, but won't eat pussy 2 <Abraham Lincoln> the man who murdered both his parents and then pleaded for mercy on the grounds that he was an orphan
hypothalamus - 1 [Med.] a thalamus the size of a large animal 2 a large animal from Thalamus
hypotenuse - 1 the toilet up on that mountain is occupied 2 an aircraft's toilet in use during flight
hysteria - [Med.] fear of snakes
IBM - /I Blame Microsoft or Idiots Become Managers or Idiots Buy More or Incredibly Big Machine or Industry's Biggest Mistake or International Brotherhood of Mercenaries or It Boggles the Mind or Itty-Bitty Machines orInferior But Marketable or It's Better Manually or Insidious Black Magic or It's Been Malfunctioning or Incontinent Bowel Movement/ [Comput.] a non-service profit organization
ice - 1 skid stuff 2 [Par.] cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids ever filled them instead of putting them back in the freezer empty
ice cap - what your knee is when you fall on it during ice-skating
icicle - 1 a stiff piece of water 2 an eavesdropper
id - [Psy.] that part of the psyche that unconsciously makes demands for immediate satisfaction of primitive needs, like that candy bar you're eating right now
idealist - <H. L. Mencken> one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup
ideal person - card player that wants to deal every time
ideologue - [Politics] typically, an obscure humorless zealot who finds fulfillment by spouting the ideas of famous humorless zealots
idiot - <Ambrose Bierce> a member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling
idle hours - what pagans call their statue
idleness - leisure gone to seed
idolize - lazy eyeballs
IFR - [Aviation] a method of flying by needle and ripcord
igloo - 1 an icicle built for two 2 an adhesive for igs
ignorance - 1 when you don't know something and someone finds out 2 I don't know this definition
illegal - a sick bird
illiterate - unhealthy author
ill will - sick Shakespeare
imagination - 1 something that sits up with the wife when her husband is out late 2 <Ambrose Bierce> a warehouse of facts shared by liars and day dreamers
immigration - <Jack Parr> the sincerest form of flattery
immodest - <Ambrose Bierce> having a strong sense of one's own merit, coupled with a feeble conception of worth in others
immortality - a fate worse than death
immune - [Med.] congressional perk
impale - what the native Indians said to each other when they saw their first white man
impartial - <Ambrose Bierce> unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions
impassable - a wet football
impatience - 1 a wait problem 2 waiting in a hurry
impeccable - unable to be eaten by a chicken
impersonate - 1 a cannibal's dinner guest 2 what happened to him, Mr. Cannibal?
impiety - <Ambrose Bierce> your irreverence toward my deity
implode - the mine owned by the seven dwarfs
impostor - a spaghetti cook
impotence - Nature's way of saying "no hard feelings"
impotent - 1 emission impossible 2 distinguished, well known 3 camping shelter for a chubby elf 4 when you can't even get your hopes up
impregnable - a woman with vivid memory of labor
improvement - a guest who is always welcome to stay; there's always room for improvement
impunity - <Ambrose Bierce> wealth
inadvertent - an ant featured in commercials
inbox - a catch basin for everything you don't want to deal with, but are afraid to throw away
inbred - [Med.] the best way to eat salami
incense - holy smoke!
incentive program - the system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses to motivate its people; despite all the experimentation with profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to keep it."
incessant - an ant indulging in unnatural sex acts
incest - 1 the theory of relativity 2 a game the whole family can play 3 relatively boring 4 sibling revelry 5 you're on your own
incisor - person who exercises indoors
income - you try to make it first, then you try to make it last
income tax - capital punishment
incongruous - where the law, and hot air, is made in the U.S.
indecision - under the whether
independent - [Par.] how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say
index register - [Comput.] a constant source of irritation
indifference - a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get"
indistinct - where the dirty dishes go
ineffable - a guaranteed Grade-A term paper
inertia - [Skiing] tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or speed due to the action of Newton's first law of motion. Goes along with these other physical laws: two objects of greatly different mass falling side by side will have the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have larger hospital bills; matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops out of a parka pocket, don't expect to encounter it again in our universe. When an irresistible force meets an immovable object, an unethical lawyer will immediately appear.
infancy - <Ambrose Bierce> the period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
infantry - a sapling
infatuation - when you're in love, there's a lump in your throat; when you're infatuated, there's a lump in your pants.
infect - [Med.] to desert one's country for another
inferiority complex - [Med.] conviction by a jury of your fears
infidel - <Ambrose Bierce> in New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.
inflation - [Econ.] 1 cutting money in half without damaging the paper 2 just a drop in the buck 3 a fate worse than debt 4 the result of legalized counterfeiting 5 - when "dollars to donuts" changes from a phrase to an even bet 6 that time when a dollar saved is a quarter earned 7 a situation where no one has enough money because everyone has too much 8 a financial situation which causes one to live in the lapse of luxury 9 when an item bought for five dollars costs ten dollars to be repaired 10 the scourge of mankind; how can civilisation continue to exist when the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart? 11 that process that makes it easier to earn money than a living, turns a nest egg into chicken feed, and makes balloons bigger and candy bars smaller 12 a time when it is even a struggle to make only one end meet 13 instead of not having the money you haven't, you have twice as much, but it's worth only one-half of what you haven't got now 14 the only logical reason why you can't take it with you--it all goes before you do
influence - <Ambrose Bierce> in politics, a visionary quo given in exchange for a substantial quid
informal - socks optional; cf. semiformal, formal
information - how ducks are supposed to fly
Information Center - a room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to tell you why you cannot have the information you require
information processing - what you call data processing when people are so disgusted with it they won't let it be discussed in their presence
ingrate - one who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion
inhale - where henpecked Southern husbands think they are
inheritance - [Econ.] will-gotten gains
inhibition - being tied up in nots
initializing the stack - [Comput.] being the first to hand in your homework
initiative - deliberately disobeying a destructive order from your manager and being right in the long run
inkling - a baby fountain pen
inland - tavern territory
inning - pub crawling
innocence - 1 nun working in condom factory, thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice 2 young woman applying Clearasil™ over her nipples thinking them to be pimples
innuendo - 1 where you hang your curtains 2 an Italian suppository
innovate - to annoy people
inpatient - [Med.] where the lost scalpel can be found
input - [Comput.] food, whiskey, beer, Excedrin cf. output
input/output - [Comput.] information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk
insane - [Academia] what Ph.D. stands for
insane asylum - the place where optimism most flourishes
insanity - 1 a perfectly rational adjustment to the insane world; a primary method of survival in it 2 what happens when a child has been so bad, Santa skips their house 3 brewed beverage that drives you mad 4 a hereditary disease contracted from one's children; symptoms include nonsensical statements such as "goo goo" and "I will hit you into the middle of next week" 5 doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
insecticide - when insects kill themselves
insensitivity - [Politics] objections to the use of tax money to buy votes
inside - [Par.] that place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside
insignificance - a feeling incurred when you're in the labor room with your wife, watching the doctor with both arms buried up to his elbows to turn the baby around properly
insolence - pooping on someone's doorstep, and then knocking on the door to ask if they have any toilet paper
insomnia - [Med.] nothing to lose sleep over
installment - putting a horse in a stall
-istic - [Philos.] you started with something good and made it really stupid
instinct - intelligence incapable of self-consciousness
institute - a school where football is not taught; cf. university
institutional investor - [Econ.] someone who has owned equities for the last two years and who's now locked up long-term in a hospital
insurance - <Ambrose Bierce> an ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is allowed to think he is beating the man who keeps the table
integrated circuit - [Comput.] a circuit with black-and-white components
intellectual - one who always contributes more heat than light to a discussion
intellectual snob - one who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of the Lone Ranger
intense - where campers sleep
intense pain - torture in a teepee
intensive - significant; for all intensive purposes
interest - what borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and burned out employees must feign
interesting - a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking
interim release - a programmer's feeble attempt at repentance
intern - [Med.] one after another
internal sort - [Comput.] the stomach, liver and kidneys keep changing positions
Internet - [Comput.] 1 the best library in the world, but with all its books strewn across the floor 2 where tuna goes
Internet scam - dot con
intestine - [Med.] currently taking an exam
intestines - [Med.] beta version of forks
intoxicated - feeling sophisticated without being able to pronounce it
in transition - [Pers.] he's a lazy bum, looking for a woman to support him
intuition - 1 a hotel admission fee 2 the knowledge that your salary won't cover the cost of your children's education
intuitive - [Ad.] your opinion doesn't count
invalidate - the sick person has eaten
inventor - one who puts together an arrangement of gears, cogs, and levers and believes it to be civilization
inverse - how a backwards poet writes
invisible man - what a husband becomes when there's housework to be done
iota - a Toyota that has payments still to be made on it
IQ - a measure of intellectual capacity. Standard divisions are:
25 (idiot) product marketing managers
50 (imbecile) convenience store clerks
75 (moron) that guy on your left
100 (normal) absolutely no one you know
125 (above normal) those snooty bastards at cocktail parties
150 (genius) only one person has been known to reach this level: Alex Trebek
Iraq - 1 past tense of "Iran" 2 first person conjugation of a verb meaning "to arrange billiard balls"; When we got to da pool hall, I tol my uncle, Iraq, you break.
irate - I'm special!
irritating habits - what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together
irony - 1 metallurgical 2 Milli Vanilli on a karaoke machine 3 something you smelt
IRS - 1 Income Reduction Service 2 Intensive Rectal Search
I said so - [Par.] reason enough, according to Mom
ISDN - /It Still Does Nothing/ [Comput.]
isentropic - sleet falling on the beach in the Bahamas
isogon - what happens when no one refills the ice cube tray
isohyet - a line of constant hotels
isolate - a personal lament regarding tardiness
isolated - frozen
italic - the language spoken by ancient Italians
iterate - a healthy illiterate
it's here at last - [Ad.] we've released a 26-week project in 48 weeks
jack - a thing that lifts a car and also keeps it going
jack o' lantern - an Irish pumpkin
jackpot - [Par.] when all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night
Jamaica - question usually asked of a fraternity man when he returns from a date
janitor - a floor flusher
jargon - when the jam and its container are missing
jaundice - met up with our group
jaw - [Med.] a shark without as much teeth
jaywalking - a hobby that gives you that run-down feeling
jealous - <Ambrose Bierce> unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping
jealousy - the friendship one woman shares with another
jeans - 1 lower half of the international uniform of youth, the upper half being the zits 2 blue: casual wear / black: formal wear 3 [Par.] according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals
jeeeeeeeez! - [Par.] slang for "Gee, Mom, isn't there anything else you can do to embarrass me in front of my friends?"
Jesuits - an order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams
jewelry - a woman's best friend
jitterbug - 1 tense insect 2 a Scotchman in front of a pay toilet 3 a coffee-drinking cockroach
job - 1 a state of employment everyone wants but few look forward to on a Monday morning 2 <George Carlin> a place where you work just hard enough to avoid getting fired while getting paid just enough to avoid quitting 3 a really, really bad joke
job interview - the excruciating process in which personnel officers separate the wheat from the chaff--then hire the chaff
job placement - telling your boss what he can do with your job
jockey - someone who is always horsing around
jockstrap - a pubic defender
jocular - of or relating to sports
jogger - an odd sort of person with a thing for pain
joint checking account - a device that permits the wife to beat you to the draw
Jonah - the original Jaws story
journalism - [Politics] 1 the art of simplifying the complex and exaggerating the trivial 2 literature in a hurry 3 the art of filling up space
joyride - [Par.] going somewhere without the kids
judge - 1 <H. L. Mencken> a law student who marks his own papers 2 a person for whom everyday is a trying day
judicious - Passover recipes
judo - currency of Israel
juggler - 1 schizophrenic playing catch 2 [Med.] a vein in the neck
jugular - shaped like a Grecian urn
jumpsuit - garment used for bungee jumping
jungle law - he who hesitates is lunch
junior varsity - the team that everybody supports, but nobody goes to watch
juniper - contraction meaning "Did you bite that female?"
junk - 1 something needed the day after it is thrown away 2 Dad's stuff
Jurassic - an ill member of the jury
jury - <Robert Frost> twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer
jury duty - what happens to you if you don't have a job, haven't ever read a newspaper and lie about whether you watch TV
justice - [Law] 1 a decision in your favor 2 what judges mix their drinks with 3 [Par.] when kids have kids of their own
juveniles - little rivers that run into the Nile
kappa - what members of sororities or fraternities wear on their headas
karaoke - 1 a Japanese word meaning "tone deaf" 2 a compassionate resident of the Sooner State
karate - self defense for mice
karma - justice without the feeling of satisfaction
Kawasaki - special rice wine served with beef
keel - [Naut.] term used by first mate after too much heel by skipper
kept woman - one who wears mink all day and fox all night
kerchief - 1 king of all the hankies 2 the noise you make when sneezing into a hanky
kernel - a part of an operating system that preserves the medieval traditions of sorcery and black art
ketch - [Naut.] disagreeable clause in boat-purchase contract
ketchup - 1 what the Jones's neighbors and slow runners in a race are always trying to do 2 [Par.] the sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right
kettle drum - [Music] what musicians make tea in
keyboard - [Comput.] 1 the standard way to generate computer errors 2 whar ya hang the dang keys
keyboard plaque - the disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards
kibitzer - a person with an inferiority complex
kibble - one thousand nibbles
kidnap - goat's rest period
kidney - midpoint of a child's leg
kids - [Par.] people to be nice to since they are the ones who will choose your nursing home
kilocycle - really hard bike to ride
kilohertz - mortal injuries
kilter - 1 what the antagonist did in the horror film 2 a Scotsman
kin - an affliction of the blood
kindness - a language that the mute can speak and the deaf can hear
kindred - the fear of being visited by relatives or attending family reunions
kinesthetics - 1 a relationship towards relatives 2 determining how attractive your relatives are
kinship - your rich uncle's yacht
kiss - 1 upper persuasion for lower invasion; upstairs shopping for downstairs merchandise 2 putting your honey where your mouth is 3 [Par.] Mom's medicine
kissing - a means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other
kitchen - [Par.] the only room not used when eating crumbly snacks
kitchenette - a small, thin person working in the cafeteria kitchen
kit n' caboodle - a whole lot of cats
kitty hawk - a buzzard that eats cats
kitty litter - throwing cats out a car window
kleptomaniac - 1 one who can't help himself from helping himself 2 <Ambrose Bierce> a rich thief, or one with breeding
klutz - [Academia] what you discover your lab partner is when you ask him to slowly pour the sulfuric acid into the beaker you're holding
knapsack - a sleeping bag
knothole - only partial
knowledgeable trip hosts - [Travel] they've flown in an airplane before
kowtow - to pay homage to a sacred cow
Kyrie elieson - the only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyro and baklava
lab - a room full of icky, funny-looking creatures and the dead frogs they dissect
labia majora - the curly gates
labor - <Ambrose Bierce> one of the processes by which A acquires property for B
laboratory animals - furry foot-soldiers drafted in the name of science. Some die nobly in the battle to eradicate cancer; others give their lives so that we might produce a peach-scented dandruff shampoo.
labor pain - getting hurt at work
labor reform - [Politics] an attempt by the Mafia to get into legitimate businesses
Labrador - large cat-flap for dogs
laceration - [Med.] dainty material allotment
lactic - a grandfather clock that doesn't work
lactose - consequences of frostbite
lad - short ladder
lake - [Par.] large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so
lamb stew - much ado about mutton
lamprey - light from a lamp
landmass - what Catholic sailors long for
landscape - panoramic escape
language - 1 a dialect with an army and navy 2 the most important form of intercourse practiced by man--next to sex 3 a system which was developed to allow humanity to complain without killing or maiming 4 <Ambrose Bierce> the music with which we charm the serpents guarding another's treasure 5 [Comput.] a system of organizing and defining error messages
lap - a part of the human body that can hold babies, heads and plates of food
lap dog - greyhound used for racing
laptop - [Comput.] where the kitty sleeps and kiddies feel comfortable
latent - the French camping shelter
latitude - the number of degrees off course allowed a guest
laugh track - fraudience
laughingstock - cattle with a sense of humor
laughter - 1 <Norman Cousins> inner jogging 2 <victor borge> the shortest distance between two people
laundress - garb for an outdoor party
laundry - a place where clothes are mangled
law of relativity - how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is
law student - someone who studied hard and did well on tests but couldn't get into medical school
lawsuit - <Ambrose Bierce> machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage
lawyer - 1 <H.L. Mencken> one who protects us from robbers by taking away the temptation 2 <Elbert Hubbard> the only man in whom ignorance of the law is not punished 3 someone who prepares a 10,000-word document and calls it a brief 4 a professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics 5 misspelling of "liar" 6 the larval stage of a politician 7 a person who goes in after the auditors and strips the bodies 8 <Ambrose Bierce> one skilled in circumvention of the law 9 someone who can get a sodomy charge changed to "following too closely"
layaway plan - pre-arranged burial plan
laying down the law - putting the statutes aside and making your own rules
laziness - using a remote control to locate your other remote controls
lazy bones - an idle skeleton
lenient - building inspectors in Pisa
lean - [Canine] every good dog's response to the command "sit!", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out; incredibly effective before black-tie events
lean beef - a cow with only two legs
lean mixture - [Aviation] non-alcoholic beer
learning curve - an astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the quicker you can do it
leash - [Canine] a strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go
lecher - a stud with liver spots
lecture - an art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either
left bank - what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
lefties - the only people in their right minds
leftovers - see "gross"
legacy - a wooden leg in a bequest
legal briefs - [Law] lawyer's shorts
legal secretary - [Law] any girl over 18
legend - <H. L. Mencken> a lie that has attained the dignity of age
legends - feet
lemming - a poorly responding or falling mouse
lemonade stand - [Par.] complicated business venture where mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents
leopard - a dotted lion
leper - [Med.] a wild cat
leprous ethics - moral decay
lesbian - a person from the middle east
lesbian cocktail lounge - a her-she bar
lesion - [Med.] a unit of the Roman army
lettermen - [Academia] scholarship athletes who proudly wear letter sweaters proclaiming the vowel or consonant they've mastered
lexicographer - <Samuel Johnson> a harmless drudge
liability - fraud artist asset
liar - 1 a teller of untruths which can't be confirmed 2 fabrication expert 3 <Ambrose Bierce> a lawyer with a roving commission <Oliver Herford> someone who tells an unpleasant truth
liberal - 1 a church with four commandments and six suggestions 2 one who is too poor to be a capitalist, but too rich to be a communist 3 a power worshiper without power 4 one who leaves the room when a fight begins
librarian - library employee that assists library patrons with questions; rumored to be extinct since none can ever be found
library - 1 a multistory building 2 an organized collection of obsolete materials
lie - 1 a very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date 2 [Par.] an "exaggeration" Mom uses to transform her child's papier-mâché volcano science project into a Nobel prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard
life - 1 a terminal, sexually transmitted disease that affects some individuals more than others 2 anything that dies when you stomp it 3 what happens to you while you are making other plans 4 something to do when you can't get to sleep 5 a first draft, with no rewrite 6 a series of rude awakenings; If life is unfair, why can't it be unfair in my favor? 7 the whim of several billion cells to be you for a while 8 learning about people the hard way--by being one 9 that brief interlude between nothingness and eternity 10 a whole series of circumstances beyond your control
life insurance - a plan that keeps you poor all your life so you can die rich
lifejacket - [Naut.] a special coat that lasts a lifetime
light and airy - [Travel] no air conditioning
lighthouse - a tall building on the seashore in which the government maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician
light year - a regular year with fewer calories
limbo - the place where arms and legs go when they die
lingo - one of the Japanese Beatles
line - something you give your coworkers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend
linguist - 1 a talented fellow who has mastered the ability to make mistakes in more than one language 2 a person who can be misunderstood in many languages
lip service - applying lipstick
lipstick - [female-specific] on your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear!
liquidated damages - a penalty for failing to achieve the impossible
liquor store - stupor market
lisp - to call a spade a thpade
listless - without means of remembering groceries
lite - 20% fewer letters than "light"
literally - how cats give birth
literature - <Elbert Hubbard> the art of saying a thing by saying something else just as good
Little Dipper - a small boy diving
liturgy - the act of throwing the sermon on the sidewalk
liver - [Med.] 1 one who is not dead 2 a food that affects genes, creating a hereditary dislike
living - something to do when you don't get to sleep
Lizzy Borden - [Comput.] the original hacker
lock and key - a very necessary device of modern civilization, if you want to keep what is yours
locomotive - crazy reason
locus - obscene muttering
logarithm - displayed by a woodsman who sings and dances
logic - 1 the art of going wrong with confidence 2 [Philos.] why I'm right
logic circuit - a tour of Albert Einstein's house
log off - [Comput.] don't add any more wood
log on - [Comput.] making a wood stove hotter
loin - not fat
lollipop - [Par.] a snack provided by those who don't clean sticky fingers, furniture, etc., or have to pay dental bills
long jump - when the cow jumped over the moon
look out! - [Par.] what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it
looks younger - [Pers.] if viewed from far away in bad light
loop - [Comput.] see loop
looting - a public shopping spree generously sponsored by local merchants in the wake of a riot
Lord - /Let Oral Roberts Die/
Los Angeles - where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation from mud slides to brush fires
losers - [Par.] see "kids' friends"
lottery - 1 a tax on the poor or those who are bad at math 2 the equivalent of betting that the next pope will be from Duluth, or that the parrot in the pet store window speaks Flemish
lounge - [Academia] any area in a dorm, union or classroom building where the only furniture that isn't soiled, ripped or scarred is immediately stolen
love - 1 a feeling you feel you're feeling when you have a feeling you feel you've never felt before 2 two vowels, two consonants, and two fools 3 the best medicine 4 to place our happiness in the happiness of another 5 the warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs 6 the only game that is not called on account of darkness 7 <Ambrose Bierce> a temporary insanity curable by marriage 8 when you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning 9 when, if asked to choose between your lover and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat 10 I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours 11 [Canine] a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail; if you're lucky, a human will love you in return 12 man's grand delusion that one woman differs from another 13 a sea of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses 14 <Plato> a grave mental disease 15 something blind, but marriage is the real eye opener 16 a fire for which there is no insurance 17 a feeling which, even if unrequited, has its rainbow 18 the only game that two can play and both win; Usage note: the most slippery word in the human language; used by knaves to seduce, by fools for comfort, and by most men to placate the female
love affairs - something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test
love at first sight - what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet
love letter - noose paper
lover's leap - the distance between twin beds
loves animals - [Pers.] he has two pit bulls
low blow - a dwarf performing fellatio
lowest bidder - a contractor who is wondering what he left out
low order position - [Comput.] the programmer's position in the chain of command
LSD - virtual reality without the expensive hardware
Lucille - aquarium escapee
luck - natural force involved when a man picks up a horseshoe on the road and is knocked by a car into a field of four-leaf clovers, passing under a ladder on the way, as a black cat walks by, getting up and stepping on a mirror hidden in the grass, thereby cracking it, as the shopping bag he was carrying rips open and the package of salt that was in it spills on the ground
lumbar puncture - [Med.] a hole in a 2-by-4
lunatic - insect from the moon
lure - an object that is semi-enticing to fish, but drives an angler into a spending frenzy
lute - [Music] money
lymph - [Med.] 1 to walk with a lisp 2 a special fairy
lymph node - [Med.] where a special fairy lives
lyre - [Music] teller of untruths
Macadamian - first man born in Scotland
macaroni - [Par.] material for a collage
machine-independent program - [Comput.] a program which will not run on any machine
macho - used to describe a man who jogs home from a vasectomy
Macintosh - [Comput.] /Most Applications Crash, If Not, The Operating System Hangs/ a computer with training wheels you can't remove
macro - [Comput.] the last half of an expression of surprise; Holy Macro!
mad - <Ambrose Bierce> affected with a high degree of intellectual independence
Madagascar - an angry petroleum using automobile
madam - one for whom the belles toil
magazine - a bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue
magi - the most famous trio to attend a baby shower
magic - <Ambrose Bierce> an art of converting superstition into coin. There are other arts serving the same high purpose, but the discreet lexicographer does not name them.
mahatma - asking mother for hat; Where's mahatma?
maiden - where bears sleep after April
maiden aunt - a woman who never said "uncle"
mainframe - [Comput.] 1 the biggest PC peripheral available 2 holds the barn roof
maintenance free - [Ad.] impossible to fix
majestic setting - [Travel] a long way from town, at end of dirt road
major - [Academia] an area of study that no longer interests you
majority - the quality that distinguishes a crime from a law
Major Key - [Music] an officer in the Korean army
major operation - 1 a job for the major 2 [Med.] any that one is about to undergo
major scale - [Music] what you say after chasing wild game up a mountain; Damn! That was a major scale!
makeup - [Par.] lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc., which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp"
malaria - [Med.] the place where several shopping stores are located 2 a disease inhaled in shopping centers
malpractice - [Med.] 1 shopping until you get it right 2 the reason surgeons wear masks
mammogram - [Med.] a telegram to Mom
mammon - <Ambrose Bierce> the god of the world's leading religion.
man - <Ambrose Bierce> an animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.
manager - someone who doesn't know how to do your job, who tells you how to do your job; read Catch-22 for details
manatee - a guy ready for golf
mandate - rendezvous with a guy
management - the art of getting other people to do all the work
manger - 1 where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO 2 the Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough
man hater - a girl who makes love with her eyes closed because she can't stand to see a guy having a good time
man-hour - a sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings
maniac - an early computer built by nuts
manic-depressive - [Med.] 1 a man pressed down to the floor 2 easy glum, easy glow
manners - noises you don't make while eating soup
marijuana - a substance which can cause deterioration of mental functioning and a tendency toward paranoia in chronic non-users
marionettes - residents of Washington, D.C. who have been jerked around by the mayor
majority - that quality that distinguishes a crime from a law
manual - <Ray Simard> a unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information you need in in the others.
Marconi - the first man to send a message through a piece of spaghetti without it touching the sides
Marines - 1 The few, the proud, the dead on the beach 2 The few, the proud, the not very bright
marriage - 1 a sentence, not a word 2 when the man loses his bachelor degree and the women earns her master's 3 only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license 4 the mourning after the knot before 5 three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering 6 foreplay for divorce 7 <Elbert Hubbard> a legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other for ninety-nine years, or until death do them join 8 a process whereby love ripens into vengeance 9 the evil aye 10 an old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply in love and desiring to make a committment to each other expressing that love--in short, committment to an institution 11 convertible bonds
market correction - [Econ.] the day after you buy stocks
Mars - first part of the title of a pop psychology book that maintains that human beings can be broken down into two distinct species, neither of which behave rationally
martial arts - a family of Asiatic self-defense disciplines consisting largely of sweeping ornamental gestures of the arms and legs; amusing to look at but disappointingly ineffective when one's opponent is armed with a semi-automatic
martyr - <Ambrose Bierce> one who moves along the line of least reluctance to a desired death
mascara - makeup that ghosts wear
Mason-Dixon line - line that separates y'all from the youse guys
mass continuity - same number of people in church every Sunday
masseur - people who knead people
mast - [Naut.] religious ritual used before setting sail
mastectomy - [Med.] surgical removal of a vertical pole on a sailboat
masturbate - 1 used to catch large fish 2 a professional fisherman
masturbation - 1 a solo played on a private organ 2 the human version of autoexec.bat
matchbook - a treatise on matches
maternity clothes - what a pregnant woman wears to show people there's a reason she's fat
maternity dress - a slip cover
maternity dressmaker - a mother frocker
math anxiety - an intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph
mathematician - 1 a sum worshipper 2 a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there 3 one who believes imaginary things appear right before your i's
mathematical model - [Comput.] 46-26-38
mathematical check - [Comput.] the remuneration received by a mathematical model
math test - lots of problems
matrimony - loan from your mother
matrix - brothel patrons who arrived after April and prior to June
matter of principle - [Politics] a political controversy involving the convictions of liberals; cf. emotional issue
mature student - [Academia] annoying, 30+ class member, who takes up the professor's time with their inane anecdotes, and irrelevant questions and comments like, "Professor Smith, didn't I see you at that village people concert in 74?"
May - a month when you might
maybe - [Par.] Mom's word for "no"
mayhem - confusion regarding spring skirt lengths
McAfee - [Comput.] the patron saint of paranoid computer users
me - what Geronimo says when he jumps out of a plane
measuring cup - [Culin., Par.] a kitchen utensil that is stored in the sandbox
media leaks center - the row of portable toilets outside the courthouse
medical staff - a doctor's cane
Medicare - [Med.] a partial care
medicine dropper - [Med.] doctor with greasy fingers
medieval - 1 surrounded by the bad guys 2 only partly bad
meekness - uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worthwhile
meeting - an assembly of people coming together to decide what person or department not represented in the room must solve a problem
meets quality standards - [Ad.] 1 it compiles without errors 2 ours, not yours
megabyte - a nine course dinner
megaflop - [Comput.] the worst movie you ever saw
megahertz - 1 an extremely painful condition 2 a very large car rental company 3 one million aches and pains
megaphone - 1 very large telephone 2 1 million microphones
melancholy - a guard dog at a cantaloupe farm
Melanesia - a phenomenon characterized by a loss of memory in cantaloupes and honeydews
mêlée - sex in the 5th month
memo - an office communication often written more for the benefit of the person who sends it than the person who receives it
memory - [Comput.] the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity
memory dump - [Comput.] amnesia
meningitis - [Med.] getting a man
menopause - [Med.] 1 when one stops and reflects upon men 2 males with dog-like hands and feet 3 a group of hesitant males
men's sale - it's ok to get one on sale, just make sure the store has a good return policy
menstruation - [Med.] male model display
menstrual cycle - [Med.] it has three wheels
menu - 1 a list of dishes the restaraunt has just run out of 2 [Comput.] what you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant
mermaid - a bottomless girl in a topless suit
merriment - intended to wed
metallurgist - a man who can look at a platinum blonde and tell whether she is virgin metal or common ore
metamorphic geologist - a gneiss person
meteorologist - 1 a man who can look into women's eye and predict whether 2 one who uses reverse psychology with mother nature; when he says it will rain, it won't 3 one who doubts the established fact that it is bound to rain if you forget your umbrella 4 see "professional liar (non-legal)"
meter maid - 1 a windshield viper 2 a person who always does a fine day's work
metronome - [Music] 1 person small enough to fit comfortably in a minivan 2 a subway pixie
microchips - the stuff in the bottom of the snack-food bag
microcomputer - [Comput.] one millionth of a computer; After I installed Windows™, I had a microcomputer
microfiche - 1 extremely small French fish 2 sardines
microphone - [Media] makes audio (see television audio). Also insignificant
microprocessor controlled - [Ad.] does things we can't explain
microscope - 1 smallest serving at an ice cream store 2 a small bottle of mouthwash
microsecond - [Comput.] 1 the amount of time required for a program to hang up 2 the unit of time that measures how long that new computer is state-of-the-art
Microsoft - [Comput.] neither
microwave - 1 a greeting from a friendly micro 2 the smallest movement of the ocean 3 [Culin.] space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment
microwaves - poor surfing conditions
midair passenger exchange - [Aviation] air-traffic-controller-speak for a head-on collision; quickly followed by "aluminum rain"
middle age - 1 when your age starts to show at your middle 2 a time when a man thinks that in a week or two he will feel as good as ever 3 when actions creak louder than words 4 with any luck, you'll outgrow it
middles, three deadly - these are middle manager, middle class, and middle aged. In most cases, one out of three is unavoidable. If you get two out of three, it should be of concern, and three out of three: panic!--and make sure to get something out of your mid-life crisis
Midi - [Music] a small glass of beer
midnight oil - [Academia] what you make popcorn in
midwife - second wife in three marriages
migraine - [Med.] what a Russian farmer can at last say about his harvest
military - [Politics] having middle class people give money and jobs to republicans
milk - [Par.] a healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa
milk of amnesia - infant formula used to forget birth trauma
milk shake - what you get from nervous cows
Millennium Edition (Me) - [Comput.] version of Windows in which the boot-up time was cut in half
mime - belonging to me
minimum - a tiny mother from England
minimal - small animal
minimalism -
miniscule - the odds of minuscule being spelled correctly
Minnie Driver - a tiny golf club
minute man - one who double parks while he visits a brothel
MIPS - /Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed/ [Comput.]
miracle - 1 a the birth of a baby b the fact that you lived to tell about it 2 <Ambrose Bierce> an act or event out of the order of nature and unaccountable, as beating a normal hand of four kings and an ace with four aces and a king
mirage - misspelling of "marriage"
minor - a kid who digs for coal
minor operation - 1 coal digging 2 [Med.] someone else's
mirror - a truthful reflector shunned by vampires, hypocrites and aging fashion models
miscarriage - [Med.] firing a rifle and missing a target
misdemeanor - your 6th grade teacher
miser - 1 one who earns money the hoard way 2 one who lives poor in order to die rich
misery - the sinking feeling you get when introduced to the person your friend fixed you up with because "the two of you are so much alike"
misfortune - <Ambrose Bierce> the kind of fortune that never misses
miss - <Ambrose Bierce> a title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market
Mississippi - hippie's wife
misfortune - well, do you?
Mr. Hyde - what a husband becomes when there's housework to be done
mistress - something between a Mr. and a mattress
mistletoe - 1 an animal lacking a toe 2 a disease that afflicts astronauts
misty - how golfers create divots
MIT - the Georgia Tech of the North
mixed doubles - Renee Richard and Martina Navratilova
mixed emotions - the feeling one gets while watching one's mother-in-law drive over a cliff in one's brand-new BMW
mizzen - absent
mob violence - [Politics] a riot by people you disagree with; cf. demonstration
mockingbird - a waterfowl who is pretending to be royalty
modem - /Monumentally-Overpriced Data Eating Machine/ [Comput.] 1 what to do to tall grass 2 how a southerner asks for seconds 3 a device used to deter telemarketers
moderator - [Comput.] also known as god, dictator, egotist, oppressor
modesty - 1 being comfortable that others will discover your greatness 2 <Oliver Herford^#62; the gentle art of enhancing one's charm by pretending not to be aware of it
mohair - what bald men need
momentum - 1 a reminder or souvenir 2 a brief lapse of memory
momentum investing - [Econ.] the fine art of buying high and selling low, cf. value investing
Mommmmmmm! - [Par.] the cry of a child on another floor who wants something
Monday - 1 root of all evil 2 <Ambrose Bierce> in Christian countries, the day after the football game 3 the pothole on the road of life
money¹ - [Econ.] 1 a mint makes it first and you try to make it last 2 the sixth sense, without which you cannot make complete use of the other five 3 something which never makes a fool out of anyone; it just spotlights them 4 something that is a great deal like sex: when you haven't got any, that's all you think about, when you have plenty, you can think of other things 5 does not talk; it just goes without saying 6 the most efficient labor-saving device ever invented 7 the most egalitarian force in society, conferring power on whomever holds it 8 that which you swap for what you think will make you happy 9 a commodity which doesn't grow on trees--one has to beat the bushes for it 10 the element in life which makes stupidity shine 11 the poor man's credit card 12 something that briefly brushes by one in its mad dash to Washington 13 something that doesn't always bring happiness; people with $10 million are generally no happier than another with $9 million 14 a specie which won't buy happiness, but will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem 15 for the average individual, something that is simply a goal; for the politician, it is power; for the liberal it is freedom; for the middle class it is stature; but for the poor, it is everything 16 <P. T. Barnum> a terrible master but an excellent servant
money² - 1 if a man runs after it he is money-mad 2 if he keeps it, he's a capitalist 3 if he spends it, he's a playboy 4 if he doesn't get it, he's a ne'er-do-well 5 if he doesn't try to get it, he lacks ambition 6 if he gets it without working for it, he's a parasite 7 if he accumulates it after a lifetime of hard work, people call him a fool that never got anything out of real life
monitor - the thing you're looking at
monkey - <Ambrose Bierce> an arboreal animal which makes itself at home in genealogical trees
monkey business - pet store employing monkeys only
monkey thump - bruise on a banana
monogamy - 1 leaves a lot to be desired 2 one wife too many
monopoly - economic monster made in the image of its creator, the State
monotheism - gift from the Gods
moonshine - an alcoholic beverage made in distill of the night
Mop 'n Glow - floor wax used by Chernobyl cleanup team
moraine - typical weather forecast
morality - that instinctive sense of right and wrong that tells some people how everyone else should behave
morbid - [Med.] higher offer
morning - 1 cause for alarm 2 the time of day when the rising generation retires, and the retiring generation arises
morning sickness - an opportunity to see if the inside of your toilet bowl is really clean
morning thickness - that pesky morning erection
moron - someone that spent all night studying for a blood test
mosquito - 1 an insect that makes you like flies better 2 a hypodermic needle with wings
motel - a love-inn
moth ball - special social event for moths
mother - 1 <Kahlil Gibran> the most beautiful word on the lips of mankind 2 the person who feeds the mouth that bites her
motherboard - hardware that's a maternal turn-off
motherhood - 1 mother of Robin Hood 2 what a baby kangaroo rides in [Par.] 3 the longest guilt trip you'll ever take 4 twenty years of sleeplessness followed by thirty years of guilt
mother-in-law - a ready source of all knowledge, especially advice, history, and judgments
Mother's Day - nine months after Father's day
motivated - the state of a freshly-cut lawn
motor - [Aviation] word used by student pilots and cockneys when referring to the engine
mountain climber - a man who always wants to take just one more peak
mourner - same as a nooner, but sooner
mouse - [Comput.] an advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate
mouse pad - [Comput.] 1 hippie-speak for a rat hole 2 where Mickey and Minnie live
mouth - 1 <Ambrose Bierce> in man it is the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of the heart 2 the grocer's friend, the dentist's fortune, the orator's pride, and the fool's trap
Mozart - mosquito's paintings
mucus - [Med.] 1 a cat swear word 2 not quite in focus
mugger - a benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in their possession
mug shot - a photo of a coffee cup
mule - an animal that is stubbornly backward about going forward
mule barbecue - where everybody gets a piece of ass
multiple choice exam - [Academia] A) study or B) not study
multitasking - 1 reading in the bathroom 2 screwing up several things at once
mummy - 1 an Egyptian pressed for time 2 who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee
museum - u see 'em, u muse
mush - 1 [Par.] what a kid loves to do with a plateful of food 2 main element of Mom's favorite movies
mushroom - a place where people neck
munchkin - what cannibals do to relatives
myth - a female moth
mythology - <Ambrose Bierce> the body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later
nacho cheese - that dairy product belongs to me
nag - a man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse
nails - [Par.] a hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.
NAND - [Comput.] a Boolean operator meaning "not and" for use in database searches. The "N" prefix can be used with other words. NBUTTER means margarine, NTRUTH means politician, NROSS PEROT means modest, and NPOOR means Bill Gates.
nanosecond - 1 Mork's stunt man 2 [Aviation] time delay built into the stall warning system
napkin - 1 what relatives do after the big Thanksgiving dinner you invited them over for 2 [Par.] any warm cloth object, such as shirt or pants
natural childbirth - no eye make-up, no lipstick, no rouge
naturalist - someone who is really down to earth in everything
nature - 1 an eagle opportunity employer 2 <Elbert Hubbard> the unseen intelligence which loved us into being, and is disposing of us by the same token
nautical - don't tickle!
Naval Reserve - where the spare omphaloses are kept
navel - a place to stash your gum on the way down
near-death experience - [Academia] calculator quits during exam
necrophilia - 1 an uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one 2 dead boring 3 dropping in for a cold one
negative feedback - one result of seasickness
negligent - absentmindedly answering the front door in a nightie
negotiate - to seek a meeting of the minds without the knocking together of heads
negotiation - the art of persuading your opponent to take the nice shiny copper penny and give you the wrinkled old paper money
neighbor - <Ambrose Bierce> one whom we are commanded to love as ourselves and who does all he can to make us disobedient
neighborhood - a felon who lives near your home
neighbors - the strangers who live next door
neo- - [Philos.] you're as wrong as those old guys
nervous - used to describe one who asks which wine goes best with fingernails
network - 1 what fishermen do when not fishing 2 process of making nets 3 to spread misinformation
neurotic - [Med.] 1 self-taut person 2 person who can't leave being well enough alone 3 a person who worries about things that didn't happen in the past, instead of worrying about something that won't happen in the future, like all us normal people
neutrino - a neutered Italian
neutrophil - Phil after that terrible accident
névé - Jose
new - [Ad.] it comes in different colors from the previous version
New Age - what a woman gives instead of her real age
newsflash - headless body found in topless bar
new journalism - [Media] print the truth - don't offend anyone
news - [Media] an illusion created by two people talking fast for 45 seconds
new year's resolution - something that goes in one year and out the other
nice girl - one who whispers sweet nothing-doings in your ear
nickname - generally, your own name with the suffix "ster" attached in a forced awkward attempt at familiarity, e.g., "Bobster," "Hankster," "Georgester," or "Webster"
nightmare - a female horse that's used only for evening rides
nihilist - <Ambrose Bierce> a Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi.
nitrate - [Med.] different than the day rate
no - [Academia] the response that guys who will spend most of their time in the gym lifting weights might put on a true/false test
no brainer - a decision which, in hindsight, is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally
node - [Comput.] was aware of
Noel Coward - man afraid of Christmas
no extra fees - [Travel] no extras
noisy - two skeletons making love on a tin roof
nominal fee - [Travel] outrageous charge
non-revenue position - [Aviation] usually can be identified by the fact that these passengers are in first class and are dressed in pilot or flight attendant uniforms. Non-revenue positions are permitted to fly first class free of charge to prevent revenue passengers from being able to pay first class passenger charges.
nonsense - the objections that are urged against this excellent dictionary
non-traditional - [Pers.] mistress lives in the basement
no phone calls please - [Emp.] we've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality
no-record - [Aviation] any passenger booked through a travel agency
normal - a setting on a brainwashing machine
normalize - average vision
Norton - [Comput.] the patron saint of lost files
nose - 1 an object that sticks out farther on one's face and farthest into someone else's business 2 the scenter of one's face
nose count - is familiar with Dracula
nostalgia - 1 <attrib. Doug Larson> a device that removes the ruts and potholes from memory lane 2 the good old days multiplied by a bad memory 3 the feeling one gets while trimming the Christmas tree with popcorn made in the microwave
nostalgia buff - one who finds the past perfect and present tense
Nostradamus - a nose itch when your hands are unable to scratch it
notary - to be acquainted with Terrence
nothing - a man with an erection who walks into a wall and breaks his nose
nouvelle cuisine - French for "not enough food"; compare continental breakfast, English for "not enough food," tapas, Spanish for "not enough food," and dim sum, Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life
November - <Ambrose Bierce> the eleventh twelfth of a weariness
nude models - [Academia] the reason for your sudden interest in art classes
nudism - exposure with composure
nudist - one who grins and bares it
nudist colony - 1 a place where men and women air their differences 2 a place where the peeling is mutual
null string - [Comput.] the result of a 4-hour database search
nurse - a young woman who holds your wrist and then expects your pulse to be normal
nursery - place where nurses are made
Nutcracker Suite - [Music] a squirrel's home
nutrition - [Par.] secret war waged by parents using direct commands, camouflage, and constant guard duty
nymphomaniac - 1 a man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does 2 a disease where the patient enjoys being bedridden 3 a woman that can only count up to sex
oats - <Samuel Johnson> a grain, which in England is generally given to horses, but in Scotland supports the people
obesity - surplus gone to waist
obituary - a final summation of our lives that, for most of us, occupies about three inches of space in what will shortly become cage liner for your neighbor's parakeet
obsolete - the computer you already own
obstetrician - [Med., Par.] the doctor who tells you you're doing fine when you think you're caught in the jaws of death
obstinate - <Ambrose Bierce> inaccessible to the truth as it is manifest in the splendor and stress of our advocacy
occupant - the most common last name in North America
occur - an interjection designed to get a rascal's attention
ocean - 1 <Ambrose Bierce> a body of water covering two thirds of the earth made for Man, who has no gills 2 [Par.] what the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals
octogenarian - an eight-sided Caucasian
oddball - a dance for strange people
odious - not very good poetry
odyssey - should observe; I told my brother, you odyssey this
off-campus parking - [Academia] ample extra parking conveniently located in an adjoining county
office - a place to relax after one's strenuous home life
office automation - the use of computers to improve efficiency in the office by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee
office organization skills - [Emp.] I've used Microsoft Office
officialese - a government language in which one can understand the words, but not the sentences
offline - [Comput.] failure to pass a sobriety test
oil paints - pigments of your imagination
oily - not late
old fashioned - [Pers.] lights out, missionary position only
old world charm - [Travel] room and a path
olfactory - where they manufacture antiques
olive - none die
Olympian - <Ambrose Bierce> relating to a mountain in Thessaly, once inhabited by gods, now a repository of yellowing newspapers, beer bottles and mutilated sardine cans, attesting the presence of the tourist and his appetite
omnipotent - camping shelter for doctors
once - <Ambrose Bierce> enough
one-shot case study - the scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green
one size fits all - doesn't fit anyone
online - 1 the idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer 2 full of alcohol, but not drunk 3 where laundry is hung to dry
on the go - [Emp.] I'm never at my desk
on time - [Aviation] an obscure term, meaning unknown
ontological argument - [Philos.] I am so right that none greater can be conceived
opal - hey, buddy!
open - 1 allowing unobstructed entrance and exit; not shut, as in mouth 2 [Par.] the position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company
open-minded - [Pers.] desperate
opera - 1 when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings 2 an American talk show host
operating room - [Med.] space required to perform in a single's bar
operating system - [Med.] [Comput.] cut, adjust, sew
operetta - the lady who answers the phone at the phone company
opiate - <Ambrose Bierce> an unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into the jail yard.
opinion poll - [Politics] a sociologist's idea of an election
opportunist - one who starts having a bath when he/she accidentally falls into a river
opportunity - <Ambrose Bierce> a favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment
optics - fleas with exceptionally good eye-sight
optimism - the belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good, or bad, and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by those accustomed to falling into adversity, and most acceptably expounded with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible to the light of disproof--an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment but death. It is hereditary, but not contagious.
optimist - 1 a husband who goes down to the marriage license bureau to see if his has expired 2 one who in a thunder storm sees lightning as a cloud with a silver lining 3 one who buys a bottle of hair restorer and a hair brush 4 a girl who regards a bulge as a curve 5 one who thinks they will never do anything stupid again 6 one who thinks his wife has quit smoking cigarettes when he sees cigar butts lying around the house 7 a bagpiper with a beeper 8 one who refuses to see the wolf until it seizes the seat of their pants 9 a man who makes a motel reservation before a blind date
options galore - [Travel] nothing is included in the itinerary
optometrist - [Med.] a person of vision
oral contraceptive - <Woody Allen> the word "no"
oral sex - the taste of things to come
order of sharps - [Music] what a wimp gets at the bar
oregano - the ancient Italian art of pizza folding
Oregon - 1 eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday night 2 the mine is empty
organ donor - a motorcyclist without a helmet
organic - church music
organ transplant - [Med.] what you do to your piano when you move
orgasm - 1 a person who accompanies the choir in church 2 the gland finale 3 the punch line some women just don't get, generally because their mates have a tendency to rush through the joke
orgy - grope therapy
oriental grocery clerk - a Chinese checker
orientation - Chinatown is a point of reference
originality - <variously attrib.> the art of concealing your sources
orthodox - <Ambrose Bierce> an ox wearing the popular religious joke
oscilloscope - vibrating mouthwash
OS/2 - /Obsolete Soon, Too/ [Comput.] Archaic
organic - musical
origin - an alcoholic drink made from orgies
OSHA - a protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and baloney--usually applied at random with a shotgun
out -[Academia] where your roommate always is when one of the 35 clubs they belong to calls with a very important message
outcome - <Ambrose Bierce> a particular type of disappointment
outdo - <Ambrose Bierce> to make an enemy
outfit - having a tantrum outdoors
outgoing - [Pers.] loud and obnoxious
out of kilter - a naked Scotsman
outpatient - person who has fainted
output - what people who talk backwards do with their cat
output - [Comput.] - four-letter words; cf. input
ova - [Med.] finished, done with
ovaries - [Med.] a French egg dish made with cheese
oven - [Culin.] compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.
overboard - asleep
overeating - what makes one thick to one's stomach
overflow - [Comput.] the result of drinking too much alcohol
overleap - when the cow jumped over the moon
overloaded - an elephant riding a bicycle
overprotective - you're not ready to know
overstuffed recliner - Mom's nickname for dad
overweight - something that just sort of snacks up on you
ow - [Par.] the first word spoken by children with older siblings
oxyacetylene torch - used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (what wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell
oxymoron - 1 bullfighter 2 one who has used too much acne cream
oyster - [Culin.] 1 fish built like a nut 2 someone who infuses Yiddish expressions in their conversation
oyster bed - a place for an oyster to sleep
ozone - erogenous area
p - [Music] soft, the neighbors have complained
pacifist - one unable to advocate peace without clinching his fist
padded bra - a hidden persuader
paint - the substance applied before using paint remover
painting - <Ambrose Bierce> the art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic
pajamas - items of clothing that newlyweds place beside the bed in case of fire
paleo- - [Philos.] you're as wrong as that new-fangled stuff
pandemonium - a housing development for pandas
pandering - selling Chinese bears
panic - 1 [Par.] what a mother goes through when the wind-up swing stops 2 the second time you can't do it the first time; cf. anxiety
pantheism - <Ambrose Bierce> the doctrine that everything is God, in contradistinction to the doctrine that God is everything
paper - [Academia] your version of the CliffsNotes
paper clip - 1 larval stage of a coat hanger 2 the primary tool of an engineer. Common uses are ejecting disks from locked up Macintoshes or CD-ROM drives that don't want to give your CD back, testing batteries, and prying staples out of things that shouldn't have staples in them. Not to be used to hold paper together.
Pap smear - [Med.] 1 a fatherhood test 2 to slander your father
parables - two male bovines
parachute - a double-barreled shotgun
parade - a feline beverage
paradise - 1 two cubes with dots on them 2 exactly like where you are right now, only much, much better
paradox - two physicians
paradoxical - [Philos.] it only looks like I'm wrong
paraffins - found on the sides of fish
parallel port - [Comput.] a port next to another port
paralyze - [Med.] "The check's in the mail" and "Trust me"
paramedics - [Med.] a doctor duet
parameter - [Comput.] the absolute limit before the secretary yells for help
paranoia - 1 believing this definition was written about you 2 a healthy understanding of how the world works
paranoid - 1 an irritated couple, such as one interrupted by a cop in lover's lane 2 someone who just figured out what's going on
parasite - a base creature that extracts a living from the lives of others, like a tapeworm, biographer, or reporter
parasites - what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
parasitic drag - [Aviation] a pilot who bums a ride back and complains about the service
paratroopers - two Highway Patrol officers
parentage - an ideal age to become a mom or dad
parents - a couple who practice the Rhythm Method of contraception
park - [Par., female-specific] 1 before children, a verb meaning "to go somewhere and neck" 2 after children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
parking lot - a place where arguments start from scratch
parking space - an area that vanishes while making a U-turn
partnership - co-invested boat
Pascal - <Datamation> a programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it
passenger - [Aviation] a herding creature of widely varying intellect, usually found in pairs or small groups. Often will become vicious and violent in simple and easily rectified situations. When frightened or confused these creatures collect into a group called a "line." This "line" has no set pattern and is usually formed in inconvenient places. Passengers are of four known species: paxus iratus, paxus latus, paxus inebriatus, and paxus ignoramus
passing tone - [Music] frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues
passionate - [Pers.] Don Juan type, with Roman hands and Russian fingers
password - [Comput.] 1 ******** 2 the nonsense word taped to the monitor
pasteurize - [Med.] too far to see
patent - 1 a method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them 2 a camping shelter for dad
pathological - [Med.] a reasonable way to go
pathology - [Med.] the study of road maps
patience - 1 wait control 2 <Ambrose Bierce> a minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue 3 <St. Augustine> the companion of wisdom 4 [female-specific] the most important ingredient for dating, marriage, and children. See also "tranquilizers"
paycheck - the weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA, medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance, Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions
PCMCIA - /People Can't Memorize Crazy Industry Acronyms/ [Comput.]
PC upgrade - [Comput.] take the old bugs out, put new ones in
peace - <Ambrose Bierce> in international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting
peanuts - one's paycheck
pecan - a container to urinate in
pedestrian - 1 an endangered species 2 one who has found a place to park 3 <Ambrose Bierce> the variable (and audible) part of the roadway for an automobile
pedigree - <Ambrose Bierce> the known part of the route from an arboreal ancestor with a swim bladder to an urban descendant with a cigarette
P/E - /parole entitlement/ [Econ.]
Peeping Tom - 1 a perverted cat on stilts 2 a guy too lazy to go to the beach 3 a window fan
pelvis - [Med.] Elvis's evil twin
penicillin - [Med.] what to give a man who has everything
penis - [Med.] 1 urinate into this 2 a piano player
penis envy - [Med.] a desire to be pink and wrinkled and about four inches long
penitent - 1 a very sorry camping shelter that costs only one cent 2 <Ambrose Bierce> undergoing or awaiting punishment
penitentiary - [Par.] where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom
pension - a federally insured chain letter
Pentagon - a place where costs are always rounded to the nearest tenth of a billion dollars
people¹ - some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority have no idea what happened
people² - The universe is of infinite size, thus it must have an infinite number of planets. Since not all planets are inhabited, it follows that there is finite number of populated planets. Logically, any finite number divided by an infinite number must be so close to zero as makes no difference, hence the average population of the universe is zero. This means that any people you may meet from time to time are figments of your imagination.
P/E ratio - [Econ.] the percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing
perennial - a plant that would have grown back year after year if it had lived.
perfect fifth - [Music] a full bottle of Jack Daniels
perfect guest - one who makes his host feel at home
perfect wife - one who is deaf and dumb, over-sexed, and owner of a liquor store
perfect woman - 1 an oxymoron 2 a woman who can suck a golf ball, etc., through 50' of garden hose
performance - a statement of the speed at which a computer system works--or, rather, might work under certain circumstances--or was rumored to be working about a month ago
performance proven - [Ad.] it works through beta test, and maybe through the warranty period, too
perfume - <Elbert Hubbard> a smell that is used to drown a worse one
period - comma that curled up and went to sleep
perjury - [Law] when a law firm advertises, "We're only here to help"
Perot - (a)bort (q)uit (e)nd (t)erminate
Persephone - the Greek goddess of bills
perseverance - <Ambrose Bierce> a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success
personable - [Emp.] I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers
personal computing - [Comput.] terminal disease
persuade - soft leather made from cat skin
perverse - a poem about a cat; also, purrverse
pessimist - 1 an optimist with experience 2 someone who feels bad when he feels good because he's afraid he'll feel worse if he feels better 3 a person who says that o is the last letter in zero, instead of the first letter in word opportunity
pessimist/optimist - a pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad; an optimist is one who hopes so
pest - a friend in need
PETA - /People for the Eating of Tasty Animals/
Peter Pan - a washbasin in a house of ill repute
pets - [Par.] small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have someone else to clean up after
petting - study of anatomy in Braille
pew - a medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches
peyote - a trance plant
pharmacist - 1 a helper on the farm b a growth on such worker 2 setting up the goal shot on the farm
phenomenal - [Philos.] I only seem wrong
Phillips screwdriver - normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads
philosopher - [Philos.] 1 one who keeps learning more about less and less until finally he knows everything about nothing 2 a fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead
philosophy - [Philos.] 1 a study that lets us be unhappy more intelligently 2 <Henry B. Adams> unintelligible answers to insoluble problems 3 a system of labeling and redefining our language to allow us to rescue the absurd 4 a thinker toy 5 <Ambrose Bierce> a route of many roads leading from nothing to nowhere
phone - tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack
phonograph - <Ambrose Bierce> an irritating toy that restores life to dead noises
phony - long distance fraud perpetrator
photograph - <Ambrose Bierce> a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art
phrase - [Music] what teaching music does to your nerves
physician - <Ambrose Bierce> one upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well
physicist - an atom's way of knowing about atoms
physics - reverse-engineering the universe
pi - a mathematician the number expressing the relationship between the circumference of a circle and its diameter b physicist 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005 c engineer about 3
piano - [Par.] a large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of company
pickle - a cucumber soured by a jarring experience
picnic and panic - the difference between the two is twenty-eight days
picture - something worth a thousand words--but only those to describe the picture. Hardly any sets of a thousand words can be adequately described with pictures
picturesque - [Travel] theme park nearby
pièce de résistance - a French virgin
piecemeal - 1 cunnilingus 2 an armistice dinner
piecework - the rate of pay for a prostitute
pier pressure - the force that keeps decks above water
piety - <Ambrose Bierce> reverence for the Supreme Being, based upon His supposed resemblance to man
piezoelectric - a dialysis machine
piezometer - the instrument used to screen urine for drugs
piggyback - a lost pig is back home
pigment - mint plant grown to feed hogs
pile driver - a drink containing two parts vodka, one part prune juice
pillaging - looting a drugstore
pillow - a nap sack
pilot - [Aviation] 1 one who has, so far, managed to record an equal number of takeoffs and landings 2 a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying and flying when he's with women
pimp - 1 a snatch purser 2 a nookie bookie 3 a public relations guy for a public relations girl
pineapple - an apple that grew on a pine tree
pink elephant - a beast of bourbon
pioneer - early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods
pipe cleaner - a toothpick with long underwear
Pittsburgh - a city in which the last tornado did six million dollars worth of improvements
pixel - [Comput.] 1 Tinkerbell after the hormone shots 2 a mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays. The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology: the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department
pizza - [Culin.] is the four food groups
pizzeria - large Italian pie with ratite topping
plagiarism - 1 [Academia] copying from one source; cf. research 2 <Ambrose Bierce> a literary coincidence compounded of a discreditable priority and an honorable subsequence
plagiarize - <Ambrose Bierce> to take the thought or style of another writer whom one has never, never read
plan - <Ambrose Bierce> to bother about the best method of accomplishing an accidental result
plankton - about 2000 pounds of lumber
plant manager - a gardener
plasma - another matter
plate - [Par.] a breakable Frisbee
plateau - a high form of flattery
platelet - [Med.] a saucer
platonic friendship - what develops when two people get tired of making love to each other
Platonism - [Philos.] I know the very Form of rightness
playboy - a hedonist looking for consenting shedonists
plea bargain - [Law} a good price on fresh pleas
pleural - [Med.] more than one
plush - [Travel] both top and bottom sheets, bed shakes
PMS - 1 Pass My Shotgun 2 Psychotic Mood Shift 3 Perpetual Munching Spree 4 Puffy Midsection 5 People Make me Sick 6 Provide Me with Sweets 7 Pardon My Sobbing 8 Pimples May Surface 9 Pass My Sweat pants 10 Pissy Mood Syndrome 11 Plainly; Men Suck 12 Pack My Stuff 13 Potential Murder Suspect
pocket pool - for men, two-ball in the side pocket; for women, playing the slots
poet - an individual so in love with language who can, for the sake of art, survive any hardship--except a misprint
poise - the ability to raise only one eyebrow on one's first trip to a nudist camp
poisoned coffee - grounds for divorce
poker - a wild dance
polarize - what penguins see with
pole vault - vault where people from Poland hid from Hitler
police - [Politics] having poor people pay to have someone beat the shit out them
policy - a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned
policy research - [Politics] looking for statistics to support the position you have already taken
polite - light on a pole
politeness - <Ambrose Bierce> the most acceptable hypocrisy
political moderator - [Politics] a guy who makes enemies left and right
politician - /Greek, poly many + tish face/ 1 a person with at least two faces 2 one who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after 3 <Ambrose Bierce> an eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive
politics¹ - /Greek, poly many + ticks small, annoying bloodsuckers/ 1 the most promising of all careers 2 the entertainment branch of industry 3 parrot parasites 4 <Ambrose Bierce> a strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. 5 <Lester B. Pearson> the skilled use of blunt objects
politics² - that parrot has swallowed a watch
polo - horse hockey
polygon - 1 a dead or missing parrot 2 who left the cage door open?
polygraph - a machine used to determine if a parrot is lying
polytheism - belief that God is a parrot
polyunsaturated - a dry parrot
pontoon - cartoon left as security for a loan
pornography - 1 cliterature 2 the business of making record albums
port - fancy wine
portable computer - a device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation and on business trips
porte-cochere - sacramental wine
portent - dwelling for underprivileged campers
portly - [Naut.] unseaworthy
porcupine - a squirrel having a bad hair day
porphyrins - [Med.] financially-challenged acquaintances who borrow money
porridge - [Culin.] thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."
portable - system survives reboot
pose - property of Edgar Allan
position closed - [Aviation] a sign posted at various counter locations, which when interpreted by the passenger says, "Form line here"
positive - <Ambrose Bierce> mistaken at the top of one's voice
positive thinking - self-improvement through self-deception
post- - [Philos.] now we're finally right
postage - the length of time between sending an email and its delivery
poster - [Academia] an inexpensive way to decorate a dorm room while making people think you've been to foreign lands and done things you never have
postmodern - [Philos.] who cares if I'm right or wrong
post-operative - [Med.] a letter carrier
postscript - graffiti on a pole
potash - all that's left after you smoke the joint
potholder - what you don't want to be when the cops arrive
poverty - 1 having too much month left at the end of the money 2 a condition whose symptoms include overdosing on daytime TV, living in trailer parks, and hanging used toilet paper on the clothesline
power - the only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA
power user - one who can format a disk from DOS
pp - [Music] very soft, the neighbors are at the door
practical nurse - one who falls in love with a wealthy patient
praise - letting off esteem
prairie - a vast plain covered by a treeless forest
pray - <Ambrose Bierce> to ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy
pre-board - [Aviation] a passenger who arrives at the gate five minutes before departure
precedent - <Ambrose Bierce> [Law] a previous decision, rule or practice which, in the absence of a definite statute, has whatever force and authority a Judge may choose to give it, thereby greatly simplifying his task of doing as he pleases
prediction - you will read this word right now
pregnancy - [Med.] 1 seems like a maternity 2 taking seriously something that was poked in fun
pregnant pause - the amount of time it takes for a nine-month pregnant woman to get out of a chair
preheat - [Culin.] to turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, in addition to when it is removed.
pre-law - [Academia] the major of a person who will end up in sales
prelude - foreplay
premature birth - [Med.] one that occurs before the expectant parents are well traveled and filthy rich
premature ejaculation - 1 troubleshooting 2 a spoilspurt
premenstrual syndrome - [Med.] just before their periods, women behave the way men do all the time
prenatal - [Med., Par.] when your life was still your own
prepared childbirth - an oxymoron
prescription - [Med.] <Ambrose Bierce> a doctor's guess at what will prolong the illness with the least harm to the patient
present - <Ambrose Bierce> that part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope
president - see "scapegoat"
presuppositional - [Philos.] I'm right and I won't even discuss it with you
pretext - foreword
pride in my work - [Emp.] I blame others for my mistakes
priesthood - special headpiece for a cleric
primate - 1 removing your husband from in front of the television 2 the sultan's favorite wife 3 the first spouse of a frequently married person
primary election - [Politics] where voters use machine to vote for a winner who will probably lose; cf. caucus election
primeval - being really good at being really bad
printer - [Comput.] 1 a joke in poor taste, which consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light 2 someone who can't write in cursive
priority - [Comput.] a statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less badly than someone else.
private tutor - someone who doesn't fart in public
probable cause - [Law] 1 anything you do 2 anything you don't do
probate - [Law] a master baiter
problematize - [Philos.] I'll show you how wrong you really are
problem drinker - the one who never buys
problem-solving skills a must - [Emp.] you're walking into a company in perpetual chaos
pro bono - [Law] in favor of Sonny
procession - the ceremonial formation at the beginning of mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats
procrastination¹ - 1 I'll define this tomorrow 2 the art of keeping up with yesterday 3 the thief of time 4 a habit you can put off trying to correct 5 constantly reading and posting articles to Usenet
procrastination² - [Academia] a method of work completion most often employed by students, it is taken to the level of an art form by its most adept practitioners. It requires good prioritization and time management skills, as well as a good relationship with a major deity (usually through frequent prayers and the occasional ritual sacrifice).
production values - [Media] gore and explosions
profanity - the universal programming language
professional - [Emp.] jerk
professor - [Academia] 1 someone who talks in somebody else's sleep 2 a textbook wired for sound
profile - [Med.] the queue outside the brothel door
profit - [Econ.] a religious guy who talks to God, begging for one, or someone who talks for God, telling you why you won't have one
profitability - fortune telling talent
profound - we discovered an expert!
program - 1 a metric advocate 2 any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one day. Once a task is defined as a program ("training program," "sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation always justifies hiring at least three more people 3 [Comput.] a magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages 4 [Comput.] to engage in a pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward
program library - [Comput.] an organized collection of obsolete programs
program log - a document, written in Sanskrit, which might give you a rough idea of what to do on the air, but usually doesn't
programmer - [Comput.] 1 someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand 2 red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects
programmers - [Comput.] computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons & Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies
Programming Department - mistakes made while you wait
programs - those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up to it
progress - 1 what you get when each mistake is a new one 2 the opposite of congress 3 the process through which Usenet has evolved from smart people in front of dumb terminals to dumb people in front of smart terminals
project manager - the conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union
proletariat - [Philos.] we're wrong now, but wait for the revolution!
promotion - new title, new salary, new office, same old crap
promotion from within - a system of moving incompetents up to the policy-making level where they can't foul up operations
prompt - what the mail isn't in the winter time
pronoun - <Bill Watterson> a noun that has lost its amateur status
proof - <Ambrose Bierce> evidence having a shade more of plausibility than of unlikelihood
prostate - [Med.] flat on one's back
prostitute - 1 a busy body 2 a receiver of swollen goods
protein - [Med.] 1 an adolescent specialist 2 in favor of adolescence
protest - 1 testing an expert 2 in favor of examinations
proud people - [Politics] chauvinists you like
prune juice - the breakfast of runners
psoas - [Med.] in order that
psychiatrist - [Med.] 1 person who'll listen to you as long as you don't make sense 2 a person who doesn't have to worry as long as other people do 3 a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free
psychoanalysis - [Med.] <G. K. Chesterton> confession without absolution
psychologist - a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room
psychopath - [Med.] 1 any urban thoroughfare during rush hour 2 the fun route
puberty - a hair raising experience
pubic hair - 1 a wild rabbit 2 organic dental floss
public interest group - [Politics] politically organized liberals; cf. special interest group
publish - <Ambrose Bierce> in literary affairs, to become the fundamental element in a cone of critics
puddle - [Par.] a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it
pulpit - a large hole in the ground where tug-o'-war is played
pumpkin - what people in West Virginia do
pun - 1 its own reword 2 a groan-up 3 the lowest form of humor, unless you thought of it first
Puritan - 1 one who no's what they like 2 <H. L. Mencken> someone who is desperately afraid that, somewhere, someone might be having a good time
purport - 1 a cat's mouth 2 a sailor's measure of long-term sexual accomplishment; I averaged three girls purport last year
purpure - a Japanese color similar to violet
purring - sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness
purse - [Par.] a handbag in which mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons
pushing - [Par.] the final effort to get a ten-pound baby through an opening the size of a dime
pussy whip - a dessert topping for cats
putdown - too hot to handle
putt - the sound a golf cart makes
pylon - what a nymphomaniac says at a nude beach party
pyramid - an organized pile of rocks
q - a very dependent letter that usually likes to hang around you
quadraphonic - how to misspell words four different ways
quadruplets - four crying out loud
quagmire - any situation more easily entered into than exited from; e.g., a guerrilla war, a bad marriage, or a conversation with an insurance salesman
quality control - 1 the process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works 2 the process of assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand and add to the cost of its manufacture or design
quality of life - what an industrialized nation is said to offer when enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress
quantum particles - the dreams that stuff is made of
quark - the sound made by a well-bred duck
quarter - [Academia] the most coveted form of currency on campus
quarterback - change when you pay for a 75¢ item with a one-dollar bill
quarter tone - [Music] what most standard pickups can haul
quartz - four make a gallon
quaver - [Music] the feeling before a music lesson when you haven't practiced
queen - a crone on a throne
questionable - what the police do when they interrogate a cow's husband
quickie - 1 no sooner spread than done 2 a moment's piece
quiet - [Par.] a state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college
quorum - <Ambrose Bierce> a sufficient number of members of a deliberative body to have their own way and their own way of having it. In the United States Senate a quorum consists of the chairman of the Committee on Finance and a messenger from the White House; in the House of Representatives, of the Speaker and the devil.
quotation - <Ambrose Bierce> the act of repeating erroneously the words of another. The words erroneously repeated.
rabbit - small portion of a Rabbi
rabid - [Med.] fast
racehorse - an animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at one time
race track - a place where windows clean people
racism - 1 belief in the 100-yard dash 2 convincing argument against proponent's racial superiority 3 a pigment of the imagination
radical - <Franklin D. Roosevelt> a man with both feet planted firmly in the air
radioactive - 1 individual who can't work without music 2 a boom box in use
radioactive cat - a cat with 18 half lives
raincoat - [Par.] 1 article of clothing mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because it's in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear "the geeky thing" 2 a condom
rainproof - wild horses
raisin - 1 a grape with a sunburn 2 a worried grape
ram - 1 that thar thing whut splits the farwood 2 [Naut.] an intricate docking maneuver sometimes used by experienced skippers
ramification - what made Mary have a little lamb
rampage - section of a book about male sheep
random - as in number, predictable; as in memory access, unpredictable
random access memory - [Comput.] when you forget what you paid for that new sports car in the driveway when your wife asks
range - [Aviation] usually about 30 miles beyond the point where all fuel tanks fill with air
rape - anti-social intercourse
rapport - a French rapper
ratify - to use a spell and turn a person into a rodent
rationale - the reason invented by the conscious mind to explain to itself why the unconscious mind did whatever it did, even though it was no position to stop it
rats - [Southern U.S.] entitled powers or privileges; We're willing to fat for our rats
raw - served on rare occasions
reactor - a star in a rerun
real blast - [Academia] intro Chemistry lab
reality - where the pizza dude comes from
realm - to be charitable once again
real time - here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there and then
real world - [Comput.] 1 in programming, those institutions at which programming may be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2 to programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities you plug it in
reappraisal - an abrupt change of mind after being found out
reasoning, circular - see "circular reasoning"
rebate - to put another worm on the hook
rebel - what you have to do when kids don't come to class when first called
rebuffs - polished athletic shoes
receding hare line - a bunch of bunnies hopping backwards
recess - [Law] 12:00 - 2:00, during which time the attorneys climb the monkey bars and play kissing tag with the secretaries
recessional - the ceremonial procession at the conclusion of mass; led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot
recessional hymn - the last song at mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left
recipe - [Culin.] series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, for a dish you'll never make
recount - 1 an honorary title reaffirmed by Floridians 2 <Ambrose Bierce> in American politics, another throw of the dice, accorded to the player against whom they are loaded
recovery room - [Med.] an upholstering chamber
rectangle - what the fisherman was left with after his brush with Moby Dick
rectify - a state of disorder dependent upon a conditional act's occurrence; This motorcycle would be rectify drove it over a cliff
rectitude - the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before examining you
rectum - [Med.] 1 dang near killed 'em 2 what being up all night did to the students
recursive - see recursive
red blood count - [Med.] Dracula
redesigned - [Ad.] previous faults corrected, we hope
redneck - popular term for a rustic male; rarely employed when addressing one in person
Red Riding Hood - a Russian contraceptive
reduce - a messed up point in tennis, when the score was at "advantage"
redundancy - an air bag in a politician's car
reel - a weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard
reference manual - [Comput.] object that raises the monitor to eye level; also used to compensate for that short table leg
refined - locate again
reflection - what a girl looks at, but is not given to
reform - 1 to gain or lose weight 2 to pound into an unrecognisable mess in the hope you can then make something useful out of it
reformed - a synagogue that closes for the Jewish holidays
reformer - one who rides through a sewer in a glass-bottomed boat
refrigerator - [Par.] a very expensive and efficient room air conditioner when not being used as an art gallery
refuse - to replace a burned-out fuse
Regatta - where the drunkard found himself tonight, again
regression analysis - mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are getting worse
rehabilitation - [Politics] magic word said before releasing criminals
reignition - the silly act of trying to restart a car whose engine is already running
rejection - 1 when your imaginary friends won't talk to you 2 when your masturbating hand falls asleep on you
relationships - all the yachts your family owns
relative major - [Music] an uncle in the Marine Corps
relative minor - [Music] a girlfriend
relax - to take another laxative after the first one doesn't work
relay - 1 the second time around 2 given at a brother when the service is poor
relent - to lend someone something again after it was returned
reliable - [Pers.] frumpy
relics - people who have been going to mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand
relief - what trees do in the spring
religion - <Ambrose Bierce> a daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable
religious movement - results from drinking holy water and prune juice
remind - brain transplant
remorse - <H. L. Mencken> regret that one waited so long to do it
render - the animals that draw Santa's carriage
repeal - a strip teaser's encore
repeat - [Academia] what you do until they just expel you
repercussions - consequences of playing drums loudly
reporter - <Ambrose Bierce> a writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words
repossession - what happens if you don't pay your exorcist
repression - [Psy.] to sit on one's inner demon to keep it decorously immobilized, as practiced by lifelong Presbyterians or anyone who attempts to exchange pleasantries with a tyrannical boss
reputation - what others are not thinking about you
research¹ - 1 to look for something twice 2 to procrastinate indefinitely 3 [Academia] plagiarizing two or more sources; cf. plagiarism
research² - consider Columbus: He didn't know where he was going. When he got there he didn't know where he was. When he got back he didn't know where he had been. And he did it all on someone else's money.
reserve - to offer seconds at dinner
resolution - another way to describe the price tag on a monitor
restitution - sleep disorder clinic
restore - stick it back into the closet
rest stop - traffic light stuck on red
résumé - the closest many of us will ever come to perfection
retard - [Southern U.S.] past tense of retire
retire - replacement of tires
retirement - 1 twice as much husband, half as much money 2 when one stops living at work and start working at life
reunion - when you meet people your own age who all look a lot older than you
Revelation - <Ambrose Bierce> a famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know nothing.
revenge - the aim of a bastard punching holes in a condom factory
reverence - <Ambrose Bierce> the spiritual attitude of a man to a god and a dog to a man
revolution - 1 <Napoleon Bonaparte> an opinion backed by bayonets 2 <Ambrose Bierce> an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment 3 a form of government abroad
revolutionary - 1 the disk drives go round and round 2 [Ad.] it's different enough from our competitors to avoid patent infringement lawsuits 3 [Ad.] repackaged 4 [Politics] an oppressed person waiting for the opportunity to become an oppressor
rhesus pieces - a monkey in a blender
rheumatic - [Med.] amorous
Rhode Island - Texas after taxes
rhombus - computerized public transport
rhumb line - [Naut.] two or more crew members waiting for a drink
rich - 1 describing a state of immorality attacked by the scriptures, but took the income tax to drive it home 2 having a condition, understood also by the poor, when you believe that God is on their side; however, the rich know He is
riches - something that consists not in the extent of one's possessions, but in the smallness of one's wants
rich man - 1 one who employs a secretary, butler, valet, cook, laundress, and housekeeper, while his poor brother has to do with just a wife 2 the one with the finest foods, but the poor man always has the better appetite 3 someone who may build a fine home, but it's the wise man who marries his widow 4 one appreciated mainly by his heirs
rich mixture - [Aviation] what you order at the other guy's promotion party
rich people - 1 those who, in the observances of the church, keep the feasts while the poor, keep the fasts 2 individuals unafraid to tell the sales clerk to show them something cheaper
ring - item used to explore the drain in one's sink
ringworm - worm with a bell
riot - 1 the language of the unheard 2 <Ambrose Bierce> a popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders
riot squad - a group that tells really funny stories
ritard - [Music] there's one in every family
rite of weigh - 1 using a scale 2 diet book author
robot - 1 a steel-collar worker 2 a Cleveland State University administrator
robustness - never having to say you're sorry
rock music - lullaby sung in a rocking chair
rocks - the original unfinished furniture
rod - an attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish
rodeo - when you lean down and whisper in your lover's ear, "Honey, you're the worst piece I've ever had!" and then try to stay on for seven seconds
Roe v. Wade - a decision to make when you reach the shore
roger - [Aviation] used when you're not sure what else to say
roll - [Aviation] the first design priority for a fully loaded KC-135A
Roman - 1 what you need to do to win the Regatta 2 person that never settles very long in one place
romance - ants in Italy
romantic - 1 blood sucking insect from Italy 2 [Pers.] thinks he's Casanova
room mother - [Par.] a position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting
routine - dental work
rope - device used for babysitting
rose - color the sun was at dawn
rotisserie - a Ferris wheel for chickens
rubber band - a group of flexible musicians
rubberneck - what you do to relax your wife
rugged - too heavy to lift
rumor - news that travels faster than the speed of sound
runner up - a more polite term for loser
running mate - a husband who dared to talk back
rush hour - when traffic is at a standstill
Russian - a guy who sits on nothing and dances
rustle - the sound of cows being stolen
sabbatical - a Latin word meaning, "I quit but you won't know it for sure for a year"
sacral - [Med.] holy
sacrum - [Med.] holy
sadism - 1 the standard deviation of the mean 2 a sadist refusing to whip a masochist
sadist - 1 little old whine maker 2 a masochist who follows the Golden Rule
safe sex - 1 fun in a vault 2 an affair the wife doesn't find out about 3 Archaic put the car in park first
safety belt - the one you don't drink before driving home
sage - [Culin.] a chef who really knows their spices
sailing - [Naut.] mast transit
saint - <Ambrose Bierce> a dead sinner revised and edited
salary - a sum of money usually equal to one half of one's perceived worth
salesman - a man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink
salesmanship - the difference between rape and rapture
sales talk - trade wind
saliva - a medium for blowing bubbles
salt - something useful in a pinch
sandwich - 1 an faulty attempt to make both ends meat 2 beach Wiccan
San Franscisco - a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to tie my shoelaces there
sarcasm - 1 barbed ire 2 quiplash
satisfaction guaranteed - [Ad.] 1 we'll send you another copy if it fails 2 the manufacturer's, upon cashing your check
sauna bath - a slimming pool
sausage - groundhog
savings - 1 something acquired quite easily; all you have to do is keep too busy to spend your money 2 resources which are like toothpaste in a tube; easy to take out, but almost impossible to put back in
scalp - something that is hair today and gone tomorrow
scalpel - [Med.] what Indians used to do
scamp - camp for impish people
scamper - the silly way they walk in scamps
scandal - a breeze stirred up by a couple of windbags
scar - rolled tobacco leaf
scenario - an imagined sequence of events that provides the context in which a business decision is made. Scenarios always come in sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case
schmuck - [Media] what everyone thinks a television director is
school - 1 building with four walls and tomorrow inside 2 a grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $40 lures and hold out for Spam instead 3 a learning prison
school play - [Par.] sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse reenactments of famous historic events
schoolteacher - a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children
science¹ - a method of systematic inquiry; its main sections are readily identifiable by the following guidelines: if it's green or wiggles, it's biology; if it stinks, it's chemistry; if it doesn't work, it's physics
science² - preconception meeting verification
scorekeeper - someone that knows the score but will not share it
score pad - a bachelor's apartment
screen - a wire mesh that keeps flies from getting out of the house
Scriptures - <Ambrose Bierce> the sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based
scrotum - [Med.] small planet near Uranus
SCSI - /System Can't See It/ [Comput.]
sculptor - a poor unfortunate who makes faces and busts
scurry - take-out Indian food
seamstress - 250 pounds in a size 6
search engine - [Comput.] what you have to do when the car won't start
secluded hideaway - [Travel] directions to locate unclear
second thought - an idea you get within a second
second trimester - [Par.] the time when you ask the question, "will my husband notice if I eat this gallon of ice cream and side of beef before he gets home?"
secret - 1 something you tell to one person at a time 2 something we tell everyone not to tell anyone
secretion - [Med.] the act of hiding something
security - what guards drink
sedimental - sappy syrupy sloppy gush
seed - [Southern U.S.] past tense of the verb "to see"
seeking - another name for Triton, Poseidon or Neptune
seizure - [Med.] Roman emperor
self control - the ability to eat only one peanut
self-employed - [Pers.] jobless
selfish - 1 what the owner of a seafood store does 2 devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others
sella - [Med.] where to keep wine
semantics - pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers
semen - another word for "sailors"
semicolon - [Med.] bowel resection remnant
semiconductor - 1 a part-time bandleader 2 one who directs 18-wheelers
semiformal - two socks required; cf. informal, formal
seminars - /from 'semi' and 'arse'/ a half-assed discussion
seminary - a sperm bank
Senate - <Ambrose Bierce> a body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and misdemeanors
senator - half horse and half man
senility - 1 when you're years beyond your wise 2 the state of mind of elderly persons with whom one happens to disagree
senior citizen - one who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization
senseless - broke
serendipity - 1 the process by which human knowledge is advanced 2 looking in a haystack for a needle and finding the farmer's daughter
serial port - [Comput.] where they load the grain on to ships
serology - [Med.] the study of knighthood
serum - [Med.] what you do to steaks on the barbecue
service - the nobleman in charge of sinning
service ceiling - [Aviation] altitude at which cabin crews can serve drinks
sex - 1 bags used for the storage of potatoes 2 what comes after five 3 <Mae West> an emotion in motion 4 <Woody Allen> the most fun you can have without laughing 5 <John Barrymore> a thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble
sex drive - trying to find a motel that has a vacancy
sex education - to learn by doing
shallowness - the root cause of chronic good health, high school popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on local TV news broadcasts
share - to give in, endure humiliation
shebang - a girl who can't say no
sheepskin - related to sheep
sheet - cool, damp, salty night covering
sherbet - 1 a hot wager 2 S- composer of the Unfinished Symphony
Shakespeare - what to do to frighten the enemy
shamrock - cubic zirconium
shareware - used clothing
shellfish - a lobster that wants everything his way
shin - 1 a device for finding furniture in the dark 2 [Skiing] the bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness from the strained ankle begins
shipment - sent by car, as opposed to cargo, which is sent by ship
shoplifter - a person with a gift for grab
shopping - retail therapy
short assignment - [Academia] an all-nighter
shortcut - a diminutive barber
shotgun wedding - a case of wife or death
showoff - 1 the show has been cancelled 2 [Par.] a child who is more talented than yours
shrink wrap - a group of psychiatrists conversing
sick reptile - an illigator
sidesaddle - how men, rather than women, would ride in a logical world
sign - [Aviation] an airport decoration. Usually unnoticed except by small children. Its primary function is to hide the location of various areas of the airport, i.e., gate numbers, rest rooms, baggage claim, etc.
silicon - a goofy prisoner
silk - fabric made so that women could go naked in clothes
silliness - dinosaur condoms
simplistic - [Politics] an argument you disagree with but can't answer
single - /Stay Intoxicated Nightly, Get Laid Everyday/ footloose and fiancée free
single entry - unattached persons only
sinister - a promiscuous nun
sit in - when you sit down to stand up for your rights
667 - the neighbor of the beast
skeleton - [Med.] 1 a bunch of bones with the person scraped off 2 a guy inside out with his outside off
skeptic - one who won't take know for an answer
ski! - [Skiing] a shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the hill. Another warning skiers should be familiar with is "avalanche!" which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill
skier - [Skiing] 1 a person who jumps to contusions 2 someone who pays an arm and a leg to break them
skinheads - more hair than brains
ski stance - [Skiing] your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy; your eyes a little crossed and darting in all directions; your lips should be quivering; and you should be mumbling, "Why?"
skydiver - a guy whose talks fall flat
skydiving - good till the last drop
slander - to lie about someone--or tell the truth
slang - 1 <Carl Sandburg> language that spits on its hands and goes to work 2 the one stream of poetry which is continually flowing outward
slay ride - automobile excursion with a Mafia hit man
sleep - 1 a poor substitute for caffeine 2 that fleeting moment just before the alarm goes off
sleeping bag - nap sack
slipcover - maternity dress
slogan - [Politics] 1 a good substitute for the facts 2 our modern commercial replacement for quality 3 a politician's banner, often changed, but always held high above the voters brains
slugfest - an escargot cook-off
smart - [Pers.] ass
smart ass - someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is
smile - 1 mirth mark 2 to expose a portion of one's skeleton as a gesture of goodwill toward a fellow human 3 something that adds to your face value 4 a curve that can set a lot of things straight
smoke - what comes after sex
smoker - one who always makes an ash of himself
smoking - the world's leading cause of statistics
snap-on gasket scraper - theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot
snappy repartee - what you'd say if you had another chance
sniff - [Canine] a social custom to use when you greet other dogs; place your nose as close as you can to the other dogs rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop
snob - someone who gets the wrong slant on things by looking down their nose at you
snowbank - where Eskimos keep their money
snow job - something a man uses to defrost a woman
snowsuits - [Par.] warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: protecting children from the cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom
snuff - sufficient unto the day
soap - [Par.] a cleaning agent mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel
sober - a condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love
soda pop - shake 'n' spray
sodomy - a special kind of fast growing grass
sofa - [Canine] is to dogs like napkins are to people; after eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean
software - [Comput.] 1 plastic forks and knives 2 formal evening attire for female computer analysts
solo - location of the hem on a long skirt
some overtime required - [Emp.] some time each night and some time each weekend
some budget rooms - [Travel] sorry, already occupied
somewhere - a mathematician's clothing
son - [Par.] the result of getting what you thought you wanted
sonata - [Music] 1 didn't see any of it 2 what you get from a bad cold or hay fever
Sonata, Frank - [Music] singer of songs like New Yolk, New Yolk
songsmiths - Keely and Kate
sonogram - [Med.] a telegram from your son
soon - when used on a web page, a reference to the day after the apocalypse
sophistication - sucking nipples with a straw
sorcery - <Ambrose Bierce> the ancient prototype and forerunner of political influence
soul man - a cobbler
sourpuss - woman who douches with vinegar
southpaw - a daddy from Dixie
Soviet dancing spy - a ballet ruse
Space Invaders - fleas inside a blonde's ear
spare time - you're lookin' at it
special - rode the short school bus
special interest lobby - [Politics] politically organized conservatives; cf. public interest group
specialist - 1 a learned person who can name a horse in nine languages and buys a cow to ride 2 [Med.] a doctor with fewer patients than his colleagues but with a bigger yacht
species - what you hear at political rallies
specimen - [Med.] 1 guys who wear glasses 2 an Italian astronaut
speed - the ability to stick your buttocks out of a third story window, run down to the first floor, and see your own butt just disappear up above
spelunk - the sound someone makes when they hit the bottom of a cave
spendthrift - 1 a person who considers it a sin to die rich 2 one who considers living within one's income a fate worse than debt 3 is the one that two can live as cheaply as 4 a one-word oxymoron 5 one who spends money like a lottery winner with a week to live
sperm - [Med.] to reject, look away from
sphincter - [Med.] what the great stone statue in Egypt did to the pharaoh's wife
spice - the plural of spouse
spinster - 1 an unlusted number 2 woman who has never learned to tie a beau 3 a bachelor's wife
spiritual - [Pers.] involved with a cult
spit - [Par.] all-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids' faces
spoiled rotten - [Par.] what the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with grandma
spoilers - [Aviation] the Federal Aviation Authority
spokesperson - bicycle wheel manufacturer
spongecake - dessert made of borrowed ingredients
spoonerism - having wrubble with your turds
sports nut - an athletic supporter
spouse - someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place
spread eagle - an extinct bird
spreadsheets - 1 what you do first when you want to yield little tax deductions 2 making the bed
spring - a time when boys feel gallant and girls feel buoyant
spring break - [Academia] try a larger spring constant!
spur of the moment - store for the latest in cowboy fashions
square-headed girlfriend (boyfriend) - a computer
square rigger - [Naut.] a rigger over 30
squealer - a tattle tale pig
squeegee beggar - windshield viper
stable - [Pers.] boring
staccato - [Music] how you did all the ceilings in your mobile home
stack error - [Comput.] lost on a cluttered desk
stack overflow - [Comput.] too many pancakes
stagecoach - drama teacher
stagnation - a country of single men
stain - gerund of remain
stakeholder - a dead vampire
stalemate - 1 ex-spouse 2 a spouse who smells musty 3 a spouse who has lost their ardor
stall - [Aviation] technique used when asked for your height and position
standard - [Travel] substandard
Standard & Poor - [Econ.] your life in a nutshell
standard deviation - an average amount of perversion
standardize - the kind of eyes most of us have
standards - [Comput.] the principles we use to reject other people's code
standing order - freeze!
star - a performer who makes more than his or her agent; cf. superstar
starboard - [Naut.] special board used by skippers for navigation, usually with "port" on the opposite side
starboard wine - wine for right-handed sailors
Start Menu - a list of appetizers
stat - [Med.] info on baseball cards
state-of-the-art - 1 soon to be obsolete 2 any computer you can't afford
statistician - a person good with numbers but lacking the personality to be an accountant
statistics - a system for expressing political prejudices in convincing scientific guise
steak out - when one cow spies on another cow
steep bank - [Aviation] banks that charge pilots more than 10% interest
sterilize - [Par.] what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it
stet - info on baseball cards
stick - a boomerang that doesn't work
sticker price - acupuncturist's fee
stimulant - [Med.] a wad of hundred dollar bills
stirrup - what you do with cake batter
stock analyst - [Econ.] the idiot who just downgraded your stock
stock item - [Ad.] we shipped it once before, and we can do it again, probably
stoic - de boid dat brings de babies
storeroom - the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything
strain - teeth marks on a toilet bowl rim
strategy - 1 a comprehensive plan of inaction 2 a long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime after those creating it have left the organization
straw poll - [Politics] GOP fund-raising technique
streaker - someone who is unsuited for his work
streptococcus - [Med.] a boastful but impotent lecher
stress - the confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately deserves it
strike - an effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken
student athlete - [Academia] an oxymoron
Stuffit - [Comput.] what you say when your computer won't work
stupidity - 1 losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay 2 [Par.] letting the child with stomach flu sleep on the top bunk
subatomic - a nuclear U-boat
subdued - like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man
subjugated/subaltern - [Philos.] they're right, but everyone says they're wrong
submission - a religious organization under water
subordinate clause - one of Santa's elves
subsidy - a town underneath another town
suburb - a kind of healthy grave
suburban husband - a gardener with sex privileges
subpoena - /from the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male organ or penis/ Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls." success - a matter of luck--ask any failure
succubus - to spurn Greek public transportation; Succubus, let's take a chariot
Sudafed - brought litigation against a government official
suffering - a wedding band
suffragettes - the cheerleading squad of de Sade High
sugar daddy - a man who can afford to raise Cain
suicide - 1 the sincerest form of self-criticism 2 jumping to a conclusion
suit of armor - a knightgown
summer school - [Academia] a viable alternative to a summer job
summertime - the season where there's nothing much on TV or on the girls at the beach
sumo wrestling - survival of the fattest
sunbathing - a fry in the ointment
sunny - bright boy
sunbeam - 1 a heatproof support for the sun 2 a big smile from your little boy
sunburn - more than you basked for
Sunday best - [Par.] attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice
sundial - an old-timer
sunset - male triplets
supercomputer - [Comput.] what it sounded like before you bought it
superego - [Psy.] that part of the psyche where the conscience keeps you from stealing candy from a small child. This comes from the moral training of society. Society is always getting in the way!
superior accommodations - [Travel] one complimentary chocolate, free shower cap
superstar - a performer who makes more than Guatemala; cf. star
superuser - someone who's very good at manipulating others
Supreme Court - 1 body that corrects the errors of lower courts by perpetuating its own 2 where people go if they have anything left after getting out of lower courts
surgeon - [Med.] a doctor on the cutting edge
surrogate mother - hired labor
sushi - known to the rest of the world as "bait"
suspense - I'll tell you later
suspicion - why do you want to know?
SUV - /Stupid, Useless Vehicle/
Swahili - <Johnny Hart> the language used by the National Enquirer to print their retractions
swallow - the (blew) bird of birth control
sweat - <Heywood Brown> the cologne of accomplishment
sweater - 1 person that freely perspires 2 [Par.] a magical article of clothing that can ward away colds, the flu, and even pneumonia3 a garment worn by a children when their mother feels chilly
sweet sixteen - just down the hall from suite 14
swell - a wave that's just great
swimming pool - a mob of people with water in it
sympathy - what one woman offers another in exchange for the details
symphony - [Music] pretending to feel sad for someone
syncopation - [Music] bowel condition brought on by an overdose of jazz
synonym - a word you use when you can't spell the other one
syntax - money collected at church
syntax error - something foolish said in a computer store; Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object
synthesis - [Philos.] you are so wrong that you are right
Sysop - [Comput.] 1 one who reconfigures 2 the person laughing at your typing
system administrator - [Comput.] the person responsible for ensuring that a company's computer facilities are unusable except for when they want to print out naked pictures or play exciting network games like "Doom"
systemic - [Philos.] your wrongness goes deep
system-independent - [Comput.] works equally poorly on all systems
system update - [Comput.] a quick method of trashing all of your software
TA - [Academia] a small-minded, evil person who randomly decides your fate in college, usually a student with a degree in sadism and too much time on their hands
table - a place for storing gum
table leg - a percussion instrument
tablet - a small table
taboo - any strict cultural prohibition that, when breached, causes everyone in the group to gasp; e.g., cannibalism, public nudity, serving fried pork rinds at a Hasidic wedding, or answering the question, "How are you?" in the negative
tackle - what your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard
tackle box - a box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit; a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a band aid, you soon find that you need more than one
tacky - serving Kool-Aid at religious functions
tact - 1 getting your point across without stabbing someone with it 2 recalling a lady's birthday but forgetting her age 3 knowing how far to go too far 4 rubbing out another's mistake instead of rubbing it in 5 describing others as they see themselves 6 <Howard W. Newton> making a point without making an enemy 7 the ability to remain silent while your two best friends are arguing and you know they're both wrong 8 the unsaid part of what you're thinking
tactics - 1 what a clock sounds like when it needs fixing 2 breath fresheners for dyslexics
tagline - [Comput.] 1 the restroom walls of Usenet 2 a bumper sticker on the information super highway
tail end - conclusion of a story
tailor - an occupation that suits everyone
tailwind - [Aviation] results from eating beans, often causing oxygen deficiency in the immediate vicinity
take-home pay - [Econ.] an amount of money so named because it is never big enough to go anywhere else with it
take-home test - [Academia] group study
takes - [Media] a stroke count of how many times it takes the television director to get something right
talent - what everyone has but you
tall, thin - [Pers.] he doesn't have much
tan - [Pers.] wrinkled, bald, and fat
tangent - a man who has been in the sun
tape player - what they do to an athlete after he sprains his ankle
tar - [Southern U.S.] a rubber wheel
tattoo - permanent proof of temporary insanity
taut - educated
tax - [Econ.] a fine for doing fine; cf. fine
taxation - [Econ.] 1 an art which consists of plucking the goose to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hiss 2 the government's form of spring cleaning 3 a duty which, without representation, may have bothered the colonials but was a lot cheaper 4 a levy which isn't so good with representation either
taxes - [Econ.] 1 of life's two certainties, the only one one can get an extension for 2 a duty which applies to people who are not smart enough to start their own country 3 a funding method which allows individuals to test their powers of deduction
taxidermist - a man who mounts animals
tax increase - [Econ.] an amount of money which is called "slight" when it costs you two hundred dollars a year, while a "substantial tax cut" could save you up to 30 cents
tax office - [Econ.] den of inequity
taxpayer - [Econ.] 1 one who regrets that death and taxes don't come in that order 2 <Ronald Reagan> one who doesn't have to pass a civil service exam in order to work for the government
tax refund - [Econ.] a formula devised by politicians to give you back some of your own money in such a way that you are supposed to think it's a gift
tax return - [Econ.] an annual fiction contest with no prize
teacher - someone who tells you education pays, unless you become an educator
teacher conference - [Par.] a meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to understand her child's "special needs"
team leadership skills - [Emp.] you'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect
Teamsters - [Politics] an attempt by Republicans to get into illegitimate businesses
teamwork - a device used to get someone else to blame
tears - the hydraulic force by which one partner's will power is defeated by the other's water power
tease - a girl who is always thinking of a man's happiness--and how to prevent it
technical support - [Comput.] a geographic area of the software company. It is located in the basement and is populated by trolls who are masters of Doom. The favorite game in technical support is "penalty hold."
teenager - [Par.] God's punishment for enjoying sex
teenagers - people doing things you wish we had thought of when we were younger
telemarketer - a minimum-waged person who calls a bunch of people on a list to sell them something that they probably don't need, and gets hung up on because the person being called usually has a mouth full of food
teleological - [Philos.] you've got everything backwards
telepathy - minding someone else's business
televangelists - the pro wrestlers of religion
television - <attrib. to Frank Lloyd Wright and John Mason Brown> chewing gum for the eyes
television audio - [Media] never mind; nobody cares about this
television director - [Media] somebody who can count backwards with authority and who owns a stopwatch
television engineer - [Media] not much is really known about these, since there are so few in captivity; they work from 9 to 5, Monday through Friday, and are not home on weekends; they also become invisible when called
television producer - [Media] someone who owns a digital stopwatch
television programming - [Media] material that fills the time between commercials
television schedule - [Media] a system designed to maximize your enjoyment of big time television by having you spend most of your waking hours there
temper tantrums - [Par.] what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children
tempo - [Music] allegedly, a former product of the Ford Motor Co., though none has ever been seen in running condition
Ten Commandments - the most important top ten list not given by David Letterman
ten letters
tennis - <Billie Jean King> a perfect combination of violent action taking place in an atmosphere of total tranquility
tenure - 1 a year after nineure 2 [Academia] the only force stronger than stupidity
terminal - [Comput.] a place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers
terminal glare - a look that kills
terminal illness - getting sick at the airport
terrible two's - [Par.] having both kids at home all summer
terrorism - [Politics] strategic action by losers to spoil winner's victory party
terrorist - it's frightening and stuck on the end of your arm
test - a the amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range b a measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish
testes - [Med.] small quizzes
testicle - [Med.] 1 humorous exam question 2 an experimental tickle
test tube baby - [Med.] in a glass by itself
Teutonic - not enough gin
Texan - a Mexican that couldn't swim all the way to Oklahoma
text - when someone becomes a Texan
that way - [Par.] how kids shouldn't look at Mom if they know what's good for them; also applies to how they talk
theft - what you seize is what you get
the good old days - 1 a block of time which ended a week before you were hired 2 [Academia] before vector calculus
theory - 1 a hunch with a college education 2 a system of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good it will look in print
thesaurus - an extinct reptile with a phenomenal vocabulary
thief - a person who finds things before the owner loses them
third trimester - [Par.] the final months of pregnancy when you wonder, "How much longer can I keep from waddling?"
thirsty - [Par.] how your child feels after you have said your final good night
Thomism - [Philos.] it would appear that you are right
thongs - what Thinatra thang
Thor - [Skiing] the Scandinavian god of acheth and painth
thorny - a thailor at thea
thunder - [Canine] a signal that the world is coming to an end; humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels
thunderclap - extremely violent form of VD
thunderstorm - a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed
three stages of sex - tri weekly, try weekly and try weakly
tibia - [Med.] country in North Africa
ticket agent - [Aviation] a superhuman with the patience of a saint, the herding ability of an Australian sheepdog, the E.S.P. abilities of Uri Geller, the compassion of a psychoanalysts, and the tact of a diplomat. They have mysterious abilities to control wind/rain/snow/fog and all other weather phenomenon. They are capable of answering three questions at one time, while talking on the phone, and without stuttering or choking on their tongue. Later in life they sit in parks carrying on mysterious conversations with themselves.
time - 1 an illusion perpetrated by the makers of space 2 a way of preventing everything from happening simultaneously 3 <Ernest Hemingway> the least thing we have of
timekeeper - guy that didn't return your watch
timesharing - an access method whereby one computer abuses many people
timing light - a stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys
tire - [Southern U.S.] a tall monument; Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel tire in Paris sometime
tireless - have a car but have no tires
titillate - a tardy meal for a breast-fed baby
toad - what happens to an illegally parked frog
today - yesterday's effect and tomorrow's cause
toe - a part of the foot used to find furniture in the dark
tolerance - [Med.] what you get if you give growth hormone to ants
tomato paste - used to fix broken tomatoes
tomorrow - 1 one of the greatest labor saving devices of today 2 yesterday soon enough
tongue - [Culin., Med.] variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.
tongue twister - when you get your tang toungueled
toothache - the pain that drives you to extraction
toothpicks - choices many dentists give patients to select their artificial teeth
top bunk - [Par.] where you should never put a child with the flu or one wearing Superman jammies
topologist - a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut
Toronto - Lone Ranger's faithful Canadian companion
torrid zone - from around the neck down on a female's body
Touch-Me-Not - a person with a severe sunburn
toupee - 1 a top secret 2 what they expect you to do at the store when you buy something
tourist - a pretty girl in Pittsburgh
tourist season - when it's OK to shoot them
towels - see "floor coverings"
trackball - [Comput.] a computer mouse that went belly up
trade relations - what incestuous couples do at a family reunion
traffic - [Media] a department within the TV station with the collective IQ of granite whose function it is to generate the program log
traffic light - apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches
tragedy - 1 a bride without a can opener 2 a busload of lawyers going over a cliff with a vacant seat
trailer parks - latter-day gypsy camps scattered throughout the vast American hinterland; humble places of abode where hope dies young and tornadoes gravitate like flies to road kill
tramp - a woman with two kids and no stretch marks
trampoline - a legal claim made on the property of a homeless person
transcendental - [Philos.] if anyone's right, I must be
transfer - a promotion received on the condition that one leave town
transistor - a girl who used to be your brother
transmitter - 1 a baseball player who changes their brand of glove 2 [Media] a big machine resembling an oversized refrigerator with meters. Standing close to a transmitter for more than one hour will cause your brain to malfunction. Standing close to a transmitter for more than two hours will turn you into a television engineer.
transpositions - men who wear dresses
transsexual - one who carried his junior year abroad a little too far
transvestite - 1 he who likes to eat, drink and be Mary 2 a sham ma'am
traveler's aid - soft drink for tourists
traverse - [Skiing] to ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple methods of reducing speed. The second method is called "tree"
trapezoid - device for catching zoids
travel - <Aldous Huxley> to discover that everyone is wrong about other countries
traveler - someone who goes a thousand miles to get a picture of himself by his car
treason - what the acorn is to the oak
treble - [Music] women ain't nothin' but
tree - a plant used to stop cars
trial date - someone you'll probably ask out only once
tricycle - tot rod
triple bypass - [Med.] better than a quarterback sneak
Tripoli - garment size; I went to buy a bra but I couldn't find a Tripoli
Trojan - a storage device for replicating codes
trombone - [Music] 1 a slide whistle with delusions of grandeur 2 attached to the thigh bone
tropical - [Travel] rainy
trouble - [Par.] area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in
trouble light - the mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
truncate - the process of shortening a line to a specif
trust - 1 two cannibals having oral sex 2 the precursor to betrayal
trust me - translation of the Latin "caveat emptor"
tsetse fly - <Ambrose Bierce> an African insect (Glossina morsitans) whose bite is commonly regarded as nature's most efficacious remedy for insomnia, though some patients prefer that of the American novelist (Mendax interminabilis)
TSR - [Comput.] Archaic someone who says mean things about you
tuba - [Music] a compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Brylcreem!"
tumor - [Med.] an extra pair
tuner - [Music] a small fish, often served in cans and made into salad
turn and bank indicator - [Aviation] an instrument highly ignored by pilots
tweezers - a tool for removing wood splinters
24-hour bar - [Travel] ice cubes at additional cost (when available)
twice - <Ambrose Bierce> once too often
twilight - all the difference between day and night
twin birth - [Med.] infant replay
two-minute warning - when the baby's face turns red and he begins to make those familiar grunting noises
two-ton hydraulic engine hoist - a handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect
two words
ultrasound - any loud noise, esp. the noise a crying baby makes
umbilical cord - [Med.] 1 baby bungee 2 a part of a parachute
umbrella - a movable roof
umpteen - [Par.] a highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mom must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done
unabated - a fishhook without a worm
unaware - a lady's unmentionables
uncle - a relative who only seems to like you when he needs something done for him
undercover agent - a spy in bed
undermine - relative position; There's an attractive lady in the apartment undermine
understand - to reach a point, in one's investigation of some subject, at which one ceases to examine what is really present, and operates on the basis of one's own internal model instead
undertaker - the last person who will let you down
underwear - an article of clothing which, when kept clean, ensures the wearer will never have an accident
unemployment - the usual alternative to overwork
unemployment office - [Academia] humanities career placement
unfair competition - selling more cheaply than we do
unicellular - a small jail
unicorn - a one-of-a-kind maize
union - a dues-paying club workers wield to strike management
university - 1 encompasses one half of diversity 2 [Academia] <Ambrose Bierce> a modern school where football is taught; cf. institute 3 like a software house, except the software's free, and it's usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to fix it, and...
university faculty - 500 egotists with a common parking problem
Unix - [Comput.] computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off with the workstation harem
unmatched - [Ad.] it's almost as good as the competition
unopposed candidate - [Politics] an officeholder who has mastered the art of campaign reform
unprecedented performance - [Ad.] nothing ever ran this slow before
unstable equilibrium - [Academia] no more coffee
untold wealth - what you left out on April 15th
unwed mother - one who helps perpetuate the genes of an unwed father, without the latter's talent for becoming invisible at will
up - [Aviation] a chant used by pilots taking off from Hong Kong, who want to discover the meaning of life
upgrade - result of studying hard
upgraded - [Ad.] didn't work the first time
upgraded and improved - [Ad.] didn't work the second time
upper crust - a number of persons stuck together by their dough
urate - you're special!
urinal - a place where all men are peers
urinalysis - [Med.] the study of pissed off people
urinate - [Med.] what the nurse tells a patient inquiring his room number
urination - [Med.] what Israel was told in 1948
urine - 1 you have arrived 2 opposite of "you're out" 3 opposite of mine
used car - not what it's jacked up to be
useful load - [Aviation] volumetric capacity of the aircraft, disregarding weight of cargo
user - [Comput.] <Dave Barry> 1 collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert. Novice users: people who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer. Intermediate users: people who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it. Expert users: people who break other people's computers 2 <Dave Barry> the word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot" 3 a programmer who will believe anything you tell them
user-friendly - of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer
usher - the only people in the parishes who don't know the seating capacity of a pew
uterus - [Med.] the tiny organ that stretches during pregnancy to the size of the Superdome
vacation - 1 where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too 2 a place to go without having to 3 a two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday life-style to recuperate
vagina - [Med.] 1 heart trouble 2 the box a penis comes in
Valentine's day - [female-specific] a day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
valor - the bitter part of discretion
valorous - vater animal vit big tusks
value investing [Econ.] the art of buying low and selling lower; cf. momentum investing
vampire bat - used by Dracula to hit a baseball
vanguard - a person who protects trucks
varicose - [Med.] nearby
Vaseline - a meat tenderizer
VD - the gift that keeps on giving
vegetable - 1 a basic food known to satisfy kid's hunger--but only by sight 2 someone who never gets to the meat of the story
vein - [Med.] conceited
velocipede - a very fast, multi-legged creature
velociraptor - a hip-hop artist who delivers rhymes quickly
vending machine - [Academia] a coin-operated device for dispensing breakfast, lunch and dinner
Venetian blind - a sightless person from Italy
venture capitalist - a person bored with the idea of taking a million dollars to Las Vegas and putting it all on "red." The venture capitalist instead takes the million and puts it into a startup company where the odds are much tougher.
verbal - able to whine in words
vertigo - [Med.] 1 what a tour book tells you 2 how foreigners ask for directions
viaduct - why not a chicken?
Viagra - 1 the quicker pecker upper 2 strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
Viagra light - for people who only want to masturbate
vibration - a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go
vice squad - [Academia] a group of uniformed officers who seem to be under the impression that they were invited to your dorm party
vice versa - erotic Italian poetry
vicious circle - a wedding ring
victor - [Academia] your football team's weekly opponent
victory - a rarity; a three syllable word that cheerleaders can spell
video - [Media] pictures. Without these, big time television would be big time radio
video scope - [Media] a green phosphorescent device used to lure and trap television engineers
video switcher - [Media] this is a piece of equipment on which all of the video sources are laid out in random order. Remember, if in doubt, take black
videotape - [Media] black stuff that works like film, but you can't see through it. Invented in the 1950s to give television engineers something to do
view - [Southern U.S.] contraction of "have you"; Ah never seed New York--view?
vilification - the inexorable spread of Greenwich Village
violin - [Music] a bad hotel
violinist - [Music] a high strung musician
virgin - 1 a young innocent who in former times was sacrificed to the gods but who now merely lives in disgrace 2 a girl who hasn't met her maker 3 a girl who makes an issue out of a tissue 4 a West Virginia girl who can outrun her brothers 5 a girl who won't take in what a guy takes out 6 a girl who whispers sweet nothing-doings 7 an ugly third-grader
virginal - inconceivable
virtue - 1 its own punishment 2 the failure to achieve vice
virtuoso - [Music] a musician with real high morals
virus - [Comput.] a terminal illness
vise grips - used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand
visionary - an IBM employee who reads the outside literature
vitamin - [Med.] what you do when someone comes to the house
vitamins - [Par.] tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be "just like Daddy"
VMS - [Comput.] the world's foremost multi-user adventure game
volcano - 1 mountain with hiccups 2 a mountain that blew its stack and got its rocks off
voluntary aerobics - wearing bunny slippers near hunting dogs
voluntary oversale - [Aviation] a passenger who arrives at the gate as the jetway is coming off the flight
VOR - [Aviation] radio navigation aid, named after the VORtex effect of pilots trying to home in on it
vote - 1 to choose the lesser of evils 2 <Ambrose Bierce> the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country
voting - the right of our citizens to do as they please behind a curtain, as long as they do it alone
waffle iron - special additive used to put more iron in waffles
wake - a a convivial soiree with a preserved corpse in the room b what the mourners would be visibly startled to see the corpse do, especially those expecting a sizable inheritance
Wallendas - [Academia] name of the circus you can run away and join when your parents find out how much you put on their charge card; also, Windellas
walls - [Par.] complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room
want - an ant in need
wants soul mate - [Pers.] one step away from stalking
war - <Elbert Hubbard> the sure result of the existence of armed men
warden - 1 what you call the part of the house where small boys play 2 <George Bernard Shaw> the most anxious man in a prison
warranty - if you break it, both halves are yours
warship - adoration of the Navy
warthog - result of crossing a pig with a frog
washing machine - [Par., female-specific] household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum
Washington, D.C. - a work-free drug place
WASP - one who gets out of the shower to urinate
wastebasket - [Canine] a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers; when you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home
water - popular beverage in underdeveloped countries
water color - splashes of reflection
waterfall - watered-down place in a stream
waterproof mascara - [female-specific] a product that comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it
weakened - Saturday and Sunday
weak-kneed - seven days required
weak-willed - lack of estate planning
weather forecaster - see professional liar (non-legal)
weaker sex - the kind you have after the kids have worn you out
wedding - 1 <Ambrose Bierce> a ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become supportable 2 < Helen Rowland> the point at which a man stops toasting a woman and begins roasting her
wedding ring - 1 a one-man band 2 the world's smallest handcuffs
weekend - 1 a book or movie with a disappointing finish 2 [Academia] two-day period during which your growling stomach makes you really wish you'd signed up for a seven day meal plan
weightless - shorter delays
welfare - software that is paid for, but not by the user
well-adjusted - the ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games
well-built - [Pers.] he couldn't beat up Papa Smurf
well done - no more water, gas, or oil in the ground
Weltanschauung - [Philos.] how you see the world when your brain has been made into mush by German philosophy
wench - what you use to turn the head of a dolt
wet dream - 1 an overnight sensation 2 a snoregasm
wheel of entrails - a game show where one might hear, "Pat, I'd like to buy a bowel"
when your father gets home - [Par.] standard measurement of time between crime and punishment
whether - unpredictable weather
whim - singular for woman
whiplash - what you get when you find out what your lawyer's share is of your accident settlement
whippet - sadist's dog
white count - [Med.] the number of Caucasians
white males - [Politics] the most oppressed social group in America
white supremacists - the most convincing argument against the theory of white racial superiority
Whitworth sockets - once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason
whiz kid - [Academia] your school nickname but not for the reason most people think
whodunit - [Par.] none of the kids that live in your house
whoops - [Par.] an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge"
wicker box - what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Snow White
wide variety of experience - [Emp.] you'll need it to replace three people who just left
widower - [Pers.] nagged first wife to death
wiener - the first to cross the line in a Chihuahua race
wife - 1 lady with a whim of iron 2 the one person with whom, in an argument, if you win, you lose 3 spouse that always feels she doesn't dance enough 4 the woman who stands by her husband through all the trouble he wouldn't have had if he had stayed single 5 <H. L. Mencken> a former sweetheart
wife-swapping - a type of sexual fourplay
wildlife - living it up
will - [Law] 1 a dead giveaway 2 a relative thing
willpower - the act of filling one's mouth with water, sitting on the stove, turning it on, and waiting until the water starts boiling
willy-nilly - impotent
wind - 1 air in a hurry 2 like air, only pushier
window - what all gamblers want to do
Windows - 1 the Gates of Hell 2 the Fisher-Price version of the Macintosh OS 3 a $100 solitaire game
window dressing - a girl who doesn't pull down the shades
Windows 95 - [Comput.] 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition
Windows 2000 - [Econ.] what you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo at $240 per share
windsocks - [Aviation] socks that need darning
wine - <Elbert Hubbard> an infallible antidote to commonsense and seriousness; an excuse for deeds otherwise unforgivable
winter - 1 the season when a gentleman befurs a blonde 2 [Academia] when the dorm's air conditioning finally kicks in
wire wheel - cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light; also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt"
wisdom - knowing what to do with what you know
wisecrack - a comedian with a Ph.D.
wise man - <Elbert Hubbard> one who sees the storm coming before the clouds appear
wiseacre - a smart lot
witchcraft - handmade crafts made for Halloween
withdrawal - the way Southerners speak
wok - what you thwow at a wabbit
wolf - a man who knows all the ankles
woman - /Weird Obnoxious Male-Enticing Nymphs/ 1 great shareware, but be careful of viruses; also comes with no documentation 2 a poorly-designed life support system for a vagina 3 man, the sequel. As with most sequels, the original was better. 4 <Ambrose Bierce> an animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication
women - 1 derived from "woe to men" 2 the female of the speeches
woodchuck - throwing a heavy pole, post, or other item made of wood
Woodstock - shares in a timber company
word processor - [Comput.] the guy who decides if a word should be added to the language
work - 1 the slow, dragging fingernail on the blackboard of life 2 the crab grass in the lawn of life 3 the thing that interferes with golf 4 a blessed respite from screaming kids and soap operas for which you actually get paid
workout - an outside job
work study - [Academia] two things not done by a majority of students
workaholic - someone who says, "Thank God it's Monday!"
world - a jigsaw puzzle with a peace missing
world wide web - Earth after being overrun by spiders
worry - the interest paid on trouble before it's due
wrinkles - something other people have. You have character lines.
wristwatch - that device on your arm that lets you know you're currently late
writer - one who corrects a wrong
WWW - /Whole World Waiting/ or /World Wide Wait/ [Comput.]
WYSIWIG - [Comput.] what you see is fake hair
x-chromosome - a genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs
x-ray - [Med.] 1 the former Mrs. Charles 2 a piece of medical equipment that can display cafeteria meatballs up to ten years after they're eaten 3 a diagnostic tool used to detect existing cancerous growths and create new ones for future examinations to reveal 4 bellyvision
xerophyte - harmonious relationship
Xeroxes - Persian photocopy king
Xmas - for those who can't spell the whole word Christmas
xoxoxoxo - salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying
xylophone - [Par.] small toy musical instrument often given as gifts to children who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing constantly, over and over, all day long; see also "drums"
Yahoo - [Econ.] what you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share
Yale - 1 a Norwegian prison 2 [Southern U.S.] to speak very loudly
Yankee - 1 the same as a quickie, but you can do it by yourself 2 the recipient of a tug 3 [Aviation] any pilot that asks Heathrow tower to "Say again"
yard sale - [Par.] heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans to sell kids' outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are treasured mementos she can't bear to part with
yawn - 1 an honest opinion openly expressed 2 a silent shout, inside out 3 the only time some married men ever get to open their mouth
y-chromosome - a line of genes designed for men only; the cause of virility, war, baldness, hockey, sex crimes, clever inventions and a disinclination to ask for directions when lost
yearbook - 1 a book of pictures that get nerdier with time 2 a book like War and Peace
years of development - [Ad.] we finally got one to work
yes-men - guys who patronize a man whom nobody noes
yesterday - [Academia] when the 12-page paper you started tonight was due
Yiddish - 1 a tongue that never takes its tongue out of its cheek 2 the rich traditional language of organized complaint
yield sign - [Academia] dormitory wall decoration "purchased" around 3 in the morning with the help of two buddies and a hammer
yippee! - [Par.] an exclamation upon hearing that the school year was changed to 12 months; also, "yahoo!"
yogurt - [Culin.] semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.
yoke - 1 yolly yocularity by a yester 2 a Swedish anecdote
young at heart - [Pers.] senior citizen
yours - anything which, up to the present, others have not been able to get away from you
youthful figure - what you get when asking a woman's age
yo-yo - 1 something occasionally up but normally down (see also "computer") 2 an item that has its ups and downs
Y2K - 1 countdown to 1900 2 the year 2000, give or take 100 years
Yule log - deforesting command
yuppie - cheer that arises from obscene profits
zeal - a quality seen in new graduates--if one is quick
zebra - 1 ze cloth which covers ze breasts 2 a sports model horse 3 a bra with extra, extra large cups
zeppelin - still the best band for playing air guitar in one's underwear
zero - [Academia] the number of times you've gotten to eat most of the pizza you ordered
zero defects - the result of shutting down a production line
zillion - [Par.] 1 amount of times Mom must have gone to the supermarket already this week 2 the number of times you ask the kids to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself, anyway
Zip file - [Comput.] a file sent Express Mail
Zippo lighter - see oxyacetylene torch
zircon - a diamond falsie
zit - dog command
ZMODEM - [Comput.] Archaic big bits, soft blocks, tighter ASCII
zombie - a mirthless creature beloved by teenage horror movie fans and those in charge of the hiring at accounting firms
zoo - 1 a pleasant and instructive wildlife park, lately denounced for depriving animals of their right to starve or be eaten alive in their natural habitats 2 [Academia] what dorms would look like if they were a little neater
zoology - [Academia] the study of animal life; see also "frat boys at homecoming"
zoom lens - a peeping Tom's eyes at a strip joint
zucchini - [Par.] a vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it