Definitions you won't find in any Webster's New World Dictionary

Prefatory note: while compiling this list, I came across four separate examples of the power of stupidity to overcome rational thought. The first (at a religious site, no less!) was an unethical attempt to claim copyright to words that they had simply culled from elsewhere, trying the disable-right-click-with-JavaScript trick (which succumbs easily to Ctrl-C or, even better, using Opera as your browser). The second didn't go so far as to claim copyright for other people's work, but did use the sleazy javascript and begged me to send the page to someone. The third implored, "Please don't copy my pages and send them to someone else" (but wasn't technically sophisticated enough to try the javascript). I would have no problem with this if the site's author had written his own material, but there was nothing but rip-offs of other people's material. Ergo, if there had been anything there that wasn't on the dozens of pages I had been to before his, it would be here. Another explicitly denied permission to republish terms that have been freely available in The New Hacker's Dictionary since before they even thought of their site. All of you know who you are, and none of you know what the Internet is all about. Think Linux.

I, however, do not claim to own this material, and neither should you. There are over one hundred of my own mixed in, but they are freely available for any use you see fit. In other words, I don't claim copyright on my own material, much less someone else's. In fact, in order to aid you in compiling your own category-specific lists to mail to others, certain groups are tagged with field labels. The labels currently in use are Academia, Ad. (advertising and marketing copy), Aviation (airline and pilot jargon), Canine (from the dog dictionary), Comput. (computer-related), Culin. (cooking and food), Econ. (money and finance), Emp. (terms used in classified employment ads or interviews), female-specific (from the dictionary for women), Law, Med. (medicine), Media, Naut. (boating terms), Par. (parenting), Pers. (personal, or single's, ads), Philos. (philosophy), Politics, Psy. (psychology and psychiatry), Skiing, Southern U.S. (hick), and Travel (travel agent doublespeak). If you do compile material from here, I would appreciate you citing the source, but I won't cry if you wantonly plagiarize it. That's what it's here for. I do not cite the sources here for no other reason than space considerations--the list numbers over 100 sources.

The text is not divided into hyperlinked letters, nor will it ever be. It's 300k or so, so even a puny 56k modem can download it in around a minute. Besides, have you ever bought a 26-volume dictionary? That's because it would be cumbersome and not very browsable. The same applies to having to click on 25 different links to go through the entire dictionary. If you want a specific word, it's easier to use the scroll bar or the appropriate search command for your particular browser. Furthermore, you will not find frames, tables, double-spacing, or 20 pt. fonts. That is also for about the same reason that your handy copy of Webster's New World College Dictionary, Fourth Edition, isn't afflicted with any of those HTML-happy mistakes. It simply looks better.

The general section contains only real words with definitions other than their normal ones. Sniglets have their own section. Bleeding-edge terms, e.g., Dilberted, that are intended to fill a need but not intended to be humorous (though they often are in their own right) are in the Postmodern Dictionary. I also have selected only the definitions for words such as love and happiness that I deem witty or original enough for inclusion. Happiness is not a tightly-rolled booger in this dictionary.

A text-only, downloadable version will be available soon.

There are twenty-one sections:
The general section begins immediately after this list.
Sniglets and similar phenomena
The male/female translator
The single's ads translator
Professors' definitions of a kiss
Studentspeak translator for professors
Glossary of scientific phrases
Doctor's phrasebook
Glossary of philosophy
Real estate phrasebook
Office terms and phrases
Euphemasia: the politically correct glossary
Hollywood glossary
Glossary of performance evaluation terms and phrases
Weights and measures
Bar phrases
Financial terms
Common phrases in technology advertising
Automotive industry acronyms
What mistake?
Mommy, what's the definition of...

Entry count du jour: 5712 (v0.987)

Send suggestions for additions to opus44@hotmail.com

aaaack - utterance upon running face first into a spider web and realizing that you don't know where the spider is now
aardvark - 1 the honest way to make money 2 strenuous labor
abalone - shellfish nonsense
abash - a great party
abdomen - [Med.] <Ambrose Bierce> the temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship, with sacrificial rights, all true men engage
abdominal - [Med.] legendary snowman
ability - the virtue you are forced to use if your boss has no daughter
abnormal - <Ambrose Bierce> not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested.
abominable - what you have when a male bovine swallows dynamite
abort - to correct a misconception
abortion - love's labor lost
absent - 1 exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; slandered 2 [Academia] the notation generally following your name in a class record
absentee - a missing golfing accessory
abstainer - <Ambrose Bierce> a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure
abstract logic - 1 see definition two 2 see definition one
absurdity - <Ambrose Bierce> a statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion
abundance - 1 a local hop usually staged in the barn 2 a baker's jig 3 a ball in a bakery
Acapulco - [Music] music sung without accompaniment
acceptance testing - [Comput.] an unsuccessful attempt to find bugs
access time - [Comput.] usually large in computer sense, small or negative in defined sense
accident - 1 a thing that is caused by people, but often causes people 2 when presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better
acclaim - something a good insurance agent knows how to handle
accordion - a pleated bagpipe
accountability - <Ambrose Bierce> the mother of caution
accountant - [Econ.] 1 a person who feels good when things are looking black 2 one who uses your books to figure his profit 3 one who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing 4 a person you hire to explain why you didn't make the money you're sure you did
accountant, good - [Econ.] someone with a loophole named after them
accrue - people who work on a ship
accumulate - colloquial way of inquiring about tardiness
accumulator - [Comput.] the part of a computer that compiles or accumulates numbers for use by the computer, as, for example, the price tag
accuracy - the vice of being right
acetone - 1 that's the sound when you pick up the phone 2 something done in exercise class
achievement - the end of doing and the beginning of bragging
acid - better living through chemistry
acme - 1 pimples with the apex pointing inward 2 a generic skin disease
acorn - an oak in a nutshell
acoustic - an instrument used in shooting pool
acquaintance - <Ambrose Bierce> someone we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to
acquit - I've had enough
acre - literally means the amount of land plowable in one day. So in my case it would be four feet by four feet.
acrimony - payments made on a bad divorce
actor - someone who tries to be everything but himself
acting - an art that consists of keeping the audience from coughing
activation energy - the useful energy available in one cup of coffee
actuary - someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, as that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane
acupuncture - a jab well done
acute - opposite of an ugly
acute alcoholic - an attractive drunk
adamant - the very first insect
adapt - a student who is good at arithmetic
adaptable - [Emp.] I've changed jobs a lot
address - attire worn by some females
adenoid - [Med.] Domino's Pizza character
adenoma - [Med.] what you say to your mother when you don't know the answer
administer - to increase clergy
admiration - <Ambrose Bierce> our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves
admissions office - [Academia] where they take you to get you to admit that it was you who mooned the keynote speaker during "new student weekend"
adolescence - 1 the age between puberty and adultery 2 that period when a boy refuses to believe that someday he'll be as stupid as his father
adorable - what you ring when you go visiting
adorn - what comes after the darkest hour
adult - 1 a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle 2 one old enough to know better
adultery - 1 putting yourself in someone else's position 2 the wrong people doing the right thing 3 when a spouse is too good to be true 4 a pathological condition afflicting those over 30 5 when grown people act like children
adult film - a film viewed by people over 30 with a cast of 25-year-olds doing what 18-year-olds do, with a plot for a 6-year-old
advanced design - [Ad.] upper management doesn't understand it
adventure - somewhere between entertainment and panic
adventurous - [Pers.] has had more partners than you ever will
advertisement - 1 something that makes you think you've longed for it for years, but never heard of it before 2 <Thomas Jefferson> the most truthful part of a newspaper
advertising - 1 the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it 2 <Will Rogers> the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need
Advil - used to hammer things on
aerobe - [Med.] a garment worn around the house
aerobics - a form of cruel punishment of the body for what it hasn't done
affectionate - [Pers.] possessive
affianced - <Ambrose Bierce> fitted with an ankle-ring for the ball-and-chain
A-Flat - [Music] a cheap residence
A-flat minor - result of a piano falling on a child
afterbirth - [Par.] when the hard part begins
after dinner mint - funds required upon receipt of check
aftermath - [Academia] period following algebra
afternoon - that part of the day we spent worrying about how one wasted the morning
agent - a well-mannered man
agoraphobia - [Med.] morbid fear of bullfights
aim - <Ambrose Bierce> the task we set our wishes to
air - <Ambrose Bierce> a nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor
air compressor - a machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off
airfoil - [Aviation] used by those creating a home perm
airhead - [female-specific] what a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
air pollution - mist demeanor
airplane - 1 a lot of parts flying in close formation 2 [Par.] something imitated in order to get a 1-year-old to eat strained beets
airspeed - [Aviation] speed of an airplane. Deduct 25% when listening to a Navy pilot.
air traffic control - [Aviation] a game played by airline pilots and air traffic controllers. The game has no rules, and neither side knows how it is played, but the goal is to prevent flights from arriving in time for passengers to make connecting flights
air travel - [Aviation] breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil
alarm clock - 1 device meant to scare the living daylights into people without children 2 something that makes people rise and whine
alarms - what an octopus is
alas - early Victorian for "Oh, Hell"
Alaska - a prelude to "No."
alcoholic - 1 a person who drinks more than his physician 2 someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do
alehouse - a hospital
algebra - what the Little Mermaid wears
algorithm - 1 Bill Clinton's Vice President attempting to sing doo-wop 2 a trendy dance for hip programmers or mathematicians
alien - [Par.] what Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself
alienate - what the space creature did in a restaurant
alimentary - [Med.] what Holmes said to Watson
alimony - 1 a mistake by two people paid for by one 2 the high cost of leaving 3 the fee a woman charges for name-dropping 4 bye now, pay later 5 bounty after the mutiny 6 the billing without the cooing 7 the screwing you get for the screwing you got 8 <H. L. Mencken> the ransom the happy pay to the devil 9 having an ex one can bank on
all - [Southern U.S.] a petroleum-based lubricant
Allah <Ambrose Bierce> the Mahometan Supreme Being, as distinguished from the Christian, Jewish, and so forth
allege - a high rock shelf
allegro - [Music] a little car
all new - [Ad.] the software is not compatible with previous versions
allure - something used to catch fish
aloha - reduce volume: please speak in aloha voice
alone - 1 what you wish the bank would leave you 2 in good company
aloof - the top of a Chinese house
alp - European skier's shout for assistance
alphabet - 1 not quite the complete wager 2 the most aggressive wager on the table
altar - <Ambrose Bierce> the place whereupon the priest formerly raveled out the small intestine of the sacrificial victim for purposes of divination and cooked its flesh for the gods. The word is now seldom used, except with reference to the sacrifice of their liberty and peace by a male and a female tool.
alter ego - a narcissistic priest
alternating current - bi-sexual electrons
alto - [Music] a person afraid of heights
altos - [Music] not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "dori-toes"
amateur hour - that 60 minutes after the bars close
ambassador - <Sir Henry Wotton> an honest man sent to lie abroad for the good of his country
ambidexter - a person who doesn't let the right hand know what the left hand is doing
ambidextrous - <Ambrose Bierce> able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left
ambiguity - 1 the lack of clarity in speech--or something like that 2 the language of politics and statesmanship 3 telling the truth when you don't mean to
ambition - a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy
AMC Pacer - world's largest fishbowl
Amen - 1 the only part of a prayer that everyone knows 2 the word most often uttered by a nun before going to bed and she is really saying "Ahhhh... men..."
amenable - a prayer
amenities - [Travel] two chocolates, two shower caps; usu. preceded by "all the"
America - 1 one nation, under God, with liberty, large fries, and a Coke^® to go 2 a country so rich we have the best politicians money can buy
amicable divorces - civil rites
amidships - [Naut.] a condition of being surrounded by boats
amiss - as good as her smile
amidst - thick fog
amnesia - condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again
amniocentesis - [Med.] seedling needling
anaerobic - unwilling to exercise
anally - [Med.] occurring yearly
analog - [Comput.] hors d'oeuvre, usually made from cheese and covered with crushed nuts
anarchy - such a good idea, it should be the law
anatomy - [Med.] college class that sounds vaguely risqué until you find out what it really involves
anchor - [Naut.] a device designed to bring up mud samples from the bottom at inopportune or unexpected times
anesthetic - [Med.] 1 the painkiller that crazy women refuse during labor 2 not pretty
anger - <Horace> momentary madness
angle of attack - [Aviation] pick-up lines that pilots use
angst - a form of suffering caused by too much thinking; a phenomenon probably incomprehensible to anyone who owns an SUV
anno domini (AD) - no more dominoes
annoying - two people who go right on talking when you're interrupting
anorexia - phobia of people of royal birth
answer - what everybody is still looking for
antacid - 1 hallucinogenic drugs used by little bugs 2 uncle Acid's wife
antecedent - angry relative after you wrecked her car
antelope - 1 why Grandpa won't forgive Uncle 2 type of family scandal
ante merediem - that's why he's my Uncle
antepartum - [Med.] when your father's sister goes home
antibody - [Med.] against everyone
anti-climax - a bore-gasm
antidepressant - [Med.] whatever is causing the unwarranted optimism about your dead end job
antidote - [Med.] the reason Mom's sister keeps hugging you every time she can catch you
antifreeze - when you don't talk to your uncle's wife
antiphony - [Music] 1 a piece played by a elementary school orchestra 2 not a liar
antiquarian - an ant born between Jan. 21 and Feb. 23
antique shop - a business establishment where the sale items are very old and the prices are very modern
antisocial - [Med.] Mother's sister being friendly
antithesis - the force that causes students to put off writing that ten-page paper until the night before
antonym - the opposite of the word you are trying to think of
ants - people who marry uncles
anus - [Med.] Latin for "yearly"
anxiety - 1 "The IRS is on line one, Mr. Milken" 2 Nature's way of getting you up mornings 3 the first time you can't do it a second time; cf. panic
apex - former spouse of a gorilla
aphrodisiac - an African disc jockey
apologetics - [Philos.] why you're wrong
a posteriori - [Philos.] having seen who won, I can assure you I was on that side all the time
apparent - a large, old, bossy person who tortures youths, i.e., one's mother or father
appeal - <Ambrose Bierce> in law, to put the dice into the box for another throw
appeaser - <Winston Churchill> one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last
appellate - something fed to hamsters
appendix - [Med.] a portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use
appetite - <Ambrose Bierce> an instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as a solution to the labor question
appetizing - anything advertised on TV
Apple - /Arrogance Products Profit-Losing Entity/ [Comput.]
apple - [Par.] nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes
apply in person - [Emp.] if you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled
approbation - a fear of early release from prison
apricot - where a baby gorilla sleeps
April fool - <Ambrose Bierce> a March fool with another month added to his folly
a priori - [Philos.] we'll just assume that I am right
aquarium - interactive television for cats
aqueous humor - [Med.] joke about swimming
Arab coffee - [Culin.] thick, black, bitter coffee, traditionally served in tiny cups at gunpoint, or found in graduate student's offices
arbitrator - a cook that leaves Arby's to work at Burger King
arcade - a drink similar to lemonade, served on Noah's Ark
archaeologist - 1 ghoul with credentials 2 person whose career lies in ruins
archaic - what we eat after ar dinner
archer - someone who always cheers for the Indians in a movie
architect - <Ambrose Bierce> one who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money
archive - place used by Noah to store bees
argument - [female-specific] a discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
arithmetic - 1 being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes 2 an obscure art no longer practiced in the world's developed countries
armadillo - 1 possum on the half-shell 2 a Texas speed bump 3 to provide weapons to a Spanish pickle
army food - the spoils of war
aroma - a whisper heard by the nose
aromatic - an automatic longbow
arpeggio - [Music] a storybook character whose nose grows when he lies
array - what comes out of Buck Roger's gun
arrays - what you demand from your boss
arrears - our two organs of hearing
arresting gear - [Aviation] a policeman's equipment
arson - not ar daughter
arsonist - a person with an unquenched burning desire
art - a creative work which inspires an emotional reaction, usually, "what flew into your wall?"
arterial - [Med.] brushes, paint, canvas, etc.
artery - [Med.] 1 a gallery where one goes to admire paintings and sculpture 2 the study of paintings
artful - a painting exhibition
artifact - something only an art major would know
artificial insemination -[Med.] 1 copulation without representation 2 procreation without recreation
artificial intelligence (AI) - [Comput.] the science of building a computer to think and learn like a human being. The trouble with AI is that human beings are really stupid.
artist - 1 [Pers.] unreliable 2 [Media] what a television director thinks he is
artistic license - you're looking at it
asphalt - [Med.] describes rectal problems
aspiration - butt sweat
aspire - where dead donkeys are cremated
aspirin - [Med.] having great ambitions
ass - the masculine of "lass"
asset - a little donkey
assembly language - [Comput.] put tab A into slot B, then put tab C...
assumed decimal point - located two positions to the right of a programmer's current salary in estimating his own worth
assumption - the mother of all screw-ups
astrologer - one who always has their head in the stars
astronaut - a whirled traveler
astronomer - a night watchman
astronomy - TV for the ancient Greeks
atheism - 1 <George Carlin> a non-prophet organization. 2 deep religious faith in the non-existence of God
atheist - 1 one with no invisible means of support 2 one who believes himself to be an accident
Atlanta - an entire city surrounded by an airport
atlas - finally
atomic bomb - 1 a thing that makes molehills out of mountains 2 the invention to end all inventions
atomizer - a cheapskate who hoards microscopic particles
atonic - [Med.] goes with your gin
attorney - a major sporting event
attraction - the act of associating horniness with a particular person
auction - a gyp off the old block
auctioneer - a man who looks forbidding
audiophile - 1 a stereotype 2 one who listens to the equipment instead of the music
auditor - someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded
Australian kiss - same as a French kiss, only down under
authentic - indisputably true, in somebody's opinion
author - 1 a writer with connections in the publishing industry 2 a person who is usually write
authority - a person who can tell you more than you really care to know
authorize - what writers see with
autobiography - 1 the car's logbook 2 an unrivaled vehicle for telling the truth about other people 3 a history of cars
automated - a couple making love in a car
automatic shift - when the driver moves closer to his girlfriend.
automobile - a four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians
autumn - 1 season in which nature goes baroque 2 Mother Nature going through a change of leaf
avail - a piece of cloth that stops a woman from looking so ugly
avalanche - a mountain getting its rocks off
average-looking - [Pers.] ugly
aversion - one side of a disputed story
avoidable - what a bullfighter tries to do
awestruck - 1 being hit with a paddle 2 feeling when your team loses unexpectedly
axe - to inquire
baby - [Par.] 1 Dad, when he gets a cold 2 Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42 3 a hollow tube with a loud voice at one end and a complete lack of responsibility at the other end 4 an angel whose wings grow shorter as its legs grow longer
baby philosophy - if it stinks, change it
babysitter - 1 a teenager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teenagers 2 a small child that has not learned to crawl or walk 3 a person you hire to watch TV
Bach - [Music] the sound a dog makes
Bach chorale - [Music] the place behind the barn where you keep the horses
bachelor - 1 a man who Mrs. nothing 2 an unaltared male 3 a thing of beauty and a boy forever 4 a man not miss-taken 5 a rolling stone that gathers no boss 6 one who never makes the same mistake once 7 a man who goes through life without a hitch
back - <Ambrose Bierce> that part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity
backbite - <Ambrose Bierce> to speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you
backup - [Comput.] opposite of go forward
backward - [Med.] patient rooms at the rear of a hospital
bacteria - [Med.] 1 back door to cafeteria 2 lunchroom for chiropractors 3 the only culture some people have 4 the rear portion of the cafeteria
bad government - [Politics] the result of letting politicians win elections
bacon - a criminal in San Francisco
bacon and eggs - hens are involved but pigs are committed
bad day - a day when you look like your driver's license photo
badminton - 1 a game in which two players try to beat the tail feathers off each other 2 the reason the lamb tasted off
bagels - seabirds that live near a bay
baggage claim - [Aviation] the most difficult area of the airport to find. It is usually hidden by numerous signs saying, "Baggage Claim Area"
bail - made hay
bailiff - dried up leaf, used in cooking
bait - 1 <Ambrose Bierce> a preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The best kind is beauty. 2 [Southern U.S.] to strike repeatedly 3 to win
baker - a person who works for money because he kneads the dough
balance - something you lose if the bank pushes you
balance the checkbook - to go to the cash machine and select "inquire"
bald - taller than one's hair
balderdash - rapidly receding hairline
baloney - where some hemlines fall
banality - any joke about a banana
bandage - 1 removed age as a factor 2 the length of time a musical group has existed
Band-Aid - 1 a fund to help a group of struggling musicians 2 a musician's assistant
bandwidth - limited by the size of the stage
bank - [Econ.] 1 a place that will lend you money if you can prove you don't need it 2 a place where you keep the government's money until the IRS calls for it 3 an institution where you put your money so that it will be available when other people want it 4 (drive-in) an institution invented by the financial community to allow the real owner of your car to get to see it once in a while 5 [Aviation] the folks who hold the loan on most pilots' cars
banker - [Econ.] 1 <Robert Frost> one who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain 2 a person who is a success until they lose interest
banker's hours - that part of the day when it is too hot to play golf
bar - what a Southerner hunts in the woods
barbarian - the man who cuts your hair
barbarous - a bad hair cut
bar-b-que - [female-specific] you bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat, and cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner"
bard - [Southern U.S.] past tense of "to borrow"; My brother bard my pickup.
bare - [Southern U.S.] an alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast
bareback - how a nudist rides a horse
bargain - buy two soaps and get one free
bargain hunter - [Econ.] a wife who is always saving more money than her husband can afford
barium - 1 what you do with dead chemists 2 [Med.] what bad doctors do with their patients
Barney - 1 a well-known purple mutant eggplant from hell 2 a Smurf on steroids
Barney & Friends - an adult's virtual reality trip through Jurassic park
barometer - <Ambrose Bierce> an ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having
baroque - [Econ.] when you are out of Monet
barracks - where pub crawlers hang their coats
barrel roll - [Aviation] sport enjoyed at squadron picnics, usually after the barrels are empty
barren - a naked bird
bar stool - what hillbillies sometimes step in
bartender - a pharmacist with a limited inventory
baseball - three minutes of action crammed into three hours
baseball bat - an anti-burglar device
bashful - to be harsh or abusive toward someone
BASIC /Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control/ [Comput.] a programming language; related to certain social diseases in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
bassinet - what every fisherman wants
bassoon - [Music] typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when
batch processing - [Comput.] making a lot of cookies at once
bath - [Canine] a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves; it is helpful to shake vigorously and frequently
bathing beauty - a girl worth wading for
bathing suit - a female garment cut to see level
bathroom - 1 the only place in a government agency where the bureaucrats usually know what they are doing 2 [female-specific, Par.] room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning
battery electrolyte tester - a handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought
battle - <Ambrose Bierce> a method of untying with the teeth of a political knot that would not yield to the tongue
baud rate - [Comput.] prostitution fee
Bayesian - [Philos.] I'll give you even money that I'm right
beach - where girls go when they have nothing to wear
beach Wiccan - a sand witch
Beatles, The - [Music] Paul McCartney's old back-up band
beatnik - Santa Claus the day after Christmas
bear market - [Econ.] a 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex
beauty - 1 internal quality that most times comes from within - jars, tubes and bottles; 2 external given by Mother Nature and taken by Father Time 3 what's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand 4 <Ambrose Bierce> a power with which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband
beauty parlor - a place where women curl up and dye
because - [Par.] Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically
bed and breakfast - [Par.] two things the kids will never make for themselves
bedlam - three women and one bargain
bee - fly with a fur coat
beef stroganoff - bovine masturbation
beer nuts - a disease prevalent in Milwaukee
beg - <Ambrose Bierce> to ask for something with an earnestness proportioned to the belief that it will not be given
beggar - 1 <Ambrose Bierce> one who has relied on the assistance of his friends 2 a pest unkindly inflicted upon the rich
beheading - loss of face
being social - [Academia] group study
belief - what you don't believe in
belittle - the imperative form of shrink
belladonna - <Ambrose Bierce> in Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues
belly button - salt holder when eating celery in bed
belly dancers - people who use sign language and stutter
belong - to take your time
benedict - a newly married man who has long been a bachelor
benign - what you be after you be eight
Bernadette - the act of torching a mortgage
berth - [Naut.] a little addition to the crew
beta test - to voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three. In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanoes.
better - what we instantly feel when we realize our neighbor's problems are as bad as our own
B flat - [Music] what happens to a tightrope walker who doesn't C sharp
bi - when everybody thinks you're a pervert
bias - why a man goes to a brothel
bicycle - [Canine] two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat; to get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away
bid - a wild guess carried out to two decimal places
bifurcate - to purchase for Katherine
bigamy - 1 <Bob Hope> the only crime on the books where two rites make a wrong 2 one wife too many, as contrasted with monogamy, which is one wife too many
bigamist - 1 an Italian fog 2 one who won't let bad enough alone
big band - [Music] when the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players
bigotry - one of the California redwoods
bigots - [Politics] chauvinists you don't like
bikini - public waist
bile duct - [Med.] waterfowl on an Egyptian river
binary - possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes
bindings - [Skiing] automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, and so on and on, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury
biography - a written record of purchases
biology - 1 study of shopping habits 2 [Academia] a class located suspiciously near the cafeteria
biplane - the advice I got from my mother on purchasing underwear
bipolar - 1 an Eskimo marketing slogan 2 someone who owns a house in Nome, Alaska and Buffalo, New York
birdwatcher - a person who likes to watch fowl play
birth - <Ambrose Bierce> the first and direst of all disasters
birth control - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men
bison - what the buffalo said to his boy when he departed on a long journey
bit - [Comput.] 1 the unit by which computer programmers lose their sanity 2 used to describe computers; Our son's computer cost quite a bit3 a unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25 cent, or two-bit, color that used to be available a few years ago.
black clothing - an ideal tool for removing cat hair from furniture
black hole - 1 God dividing by zero 2 the subway of the universe
black males - [Politics] the greatest threat to white males
blank verse - <Ambrose Bierce> unrhymed iambic pentameters--the most difficult kind of English verse to write acceptably; a kind, therefore, much affected by those who cannot acceptably write any kind
blind spot - what Dick and Jane did to be cruel
blizzard - when it snows sideways
bloatware - imagine a four function calculator that eats 20 megs of disk space. Or Microsoft Word.
block - the distance between some people's ears
block diagram - schematic gibberish
block grant - a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by governors
blonde - one who won't buy M&M's because they're too hard to peel
blonde jokes - jokes short enough for men to understand
blood - [Med.] a type of gang
blood bank - a savings & trust for vampires
bluegrass - what hippies in the '60s did
blue laws - sad statutes
blunderbuss - 1 a vehicle used for random traveling 2 two individuals kissing for the first time
boasting - the pitter patter of little feats
boat - a hole in the water into which money is poured
bodyguards - morgue attendants
Boeing - [Aviation] the sound a plane doesn't make when it hits the ground
boil - [Par.] the point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic "yuck" before a food is even tasted
boiled egg - [Culin.] something hard to beat
bolus - [Med.] what psychoanalysts talk
bones - [Skiing] there are 206 in the human body. No need for dismay, however: two bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident
book - 1 something made into a movie for television 2 bound, orderly, organized knowledge 3 the original random access device 4 [Academia] a depository of knowledge which a student will try to stay awake long enough to read the night before finals
book bag - [Academia] a large container in which students store candy bars, gum, combs, little slips of paper with phone numbers on them, yo-yos, sunglasses, student id's, loose change, magazines, and occasionally books
bookcase - 1 a piece of furniture used in America to house bowling trophies and Elvis collectibles 2 a piece of litigation about a novel in order to ensure wide sales
boom - sometimes the result of a surprise jibe
boot - [Comput.] given to one by friends for spending too much time bragging about one's computer skills
boots - [Par.] tall rubber shoes made so kids can check the depth of puddles
boot up - [Comput.] what you want to give to Bill Gates
border - someone who pays rent
bore - 1 someone who persists in holding his own views after you have enlightened him with yours 2 <Ambrose Bierce> a person who talks when you wish him to listen 3 he who talks so much about himself that you can't talk about yourself 4 someone who is going places, and the sooner the better 5 <Henny Youngman> a guy with a cocktail glass in one hand and your lapel in the other 6 a person who has nothing to say and says it 7 one who, upon being asked how they are, tells you 8 <Walter Winchell> a guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary
boss - 1 a personal dictator appointed to those of us fortunate enough to live in free societies 2 someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early 3 according to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an ornamental stud"
bossa nova - [Music] the car your foreman drives
Boston - 1 a city where Ludwig van Beethoven would be jeered by 50,000 sports fans for finishing second in the Irish jig competition 2 an outdoor Betty Ford clinic
bother - a Pooh poo
bottle feeding - [Par.] an opportunity for daddy to get up at 2 a.m. too
bottom - what the shopper did when she found the shoes she wanted
bottom paint - what you get when the cockpit seats are freshly painted
boulder - less timid
bounty hunter - a seeker of paper towels
bourgeois - [Philos.] they pay good money to be right
bowel - a letter like A, E, I, O, or U
box - a container which, when opened at the top, drops the contents out through the bottom
boxer - someone who trains for months to be beaten to a pulp in three rounds
boy - noise with dirt on it
boycott - his crib, not hers
Boy Scouts - the Army with adult supervision
bradycardia - [Med.] what Brady will do if you look underage
brain - 1 apparatus with which we think we think what we think 2 that body organ which starts working the moment you awake and does not stop until you get into the office
brainstorm - to feign preparedness
branch - [Comput.] if watered, it will grow into a computer club; cf. computer club
branch instruction - [Comput.] advice from a district office
brassiere - a tit-tote
bravery - a naked man bending over to pick up a quarter on an island of gays
breadth - wide loaf
breakthrough - [Ad.] it nearly booted on the first try
bride - <Ambrose Bierce> a woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her
bridge - 1 a game in which a wife is always eager to do her husband's bidding 2 a card game in which a good deal depends on a good deal
briefcase - 1 a trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party 2 luggage in which underwear is packed
broadband - an all girl musical group
broadcast quality - [Ad.] gives a picture and produces noise
broad-mindedness - the result of flattening high-mindedness out
bronchial - [Med.] a football team in Denver
broom - witch craft
brothel - home is where the tart is
browser - [Comput.] originally meant to refer to the silly surfer who visited your site but didn't buy a thing. Now refers to the software that they use to do that
bruise - [Med.] a six-pack
Brussels Sprout - a world famous statue found in that city
brute force - [Comput.] when your brain doesn't work, just keep beating on the problem until one of you dies
bubble gum - candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children
bubble memory - [Comput.] what programmers assume about the intelligence of most users
buccal - [Med.] does up your belt
buccaneer - unit cost of corn on the cob
bucktooth - the going rate for the tooth fairy
budget - [Econ.] 1 a record of what the money should have been spent for 2 an attempt to live below your yearnings 3 methodical debt incursion 4 a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward 5 a precise way of going broke 6 a home accounting system which allows a family to pay as they go--as long as they don't go anywhere 7 the mathematical confirmation of one's darkest suspicions 8 what one can stay within only by doing without 9 fiscal self-flagellation 10 a mathematical system devised to remind oneself that one can't afford the kind of living one has grown accustomed to 11 for the average family, it is made up of a little money and a lot of estimates 12 a financial program dedicated to preventing part of the month being left at the end of one's money; usually unsucessful 13 a detailed record of how much more one managed to spend than to earn this month
Budweiser - like having sex in a canoe: f***ing close to water
buffalo - a greeting between two nudists
buffet - a French word that means "get up and get it yourself" or "to make a pig of oneself"
bug - [Comput.] 1 a programmer's term for a feature 2 a son of a glitch 3 <Ray Simard> an aspect of a computer program which exists because the programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he wrote the program. Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed. 4 <Datamation> an elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
bugs - small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls
bulimia - [Med.] retched excess
bullae - [Med.] a tough guy
bulldozer - one who can sleep through a campaign speech
bulletin - 1 parish information read only during the homily 2 Catholic air conditioning 3 your receipt for attending mass
bull market - [Econ.] a random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius
bump - [Canine] the best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea
bungalow - unfortunate buffalo that can't do anything right
bunion - Paul's surname
bunny - bakery characteristic
buoyant - male hill insect
bureaucracy - a method for transforming energy into solid waste
bureaucrat 1 a person who cuts red tape sideways 2 a politician with tenure
burglar - <Henny Youngman> the only professional still making house calls
burglarize - what a crook sees with
burlesque show - where attendance falls off if nothing else does
burrito - [Culin.] a modest rolled bit of food that usually contains beans and cheese, sometimes beef, chicken or pork, rolled into a flour tortilla. Under no circumstances should you add chopped onions to a burrito. To do so is a felony in several states, and rightfully so.
bushman - Katherine Harris
bush pilot - flies Air Force One
bust - a stone representation of someone ahead of their time
Buy, buy - [Econ.] a flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane
buzzword - the fly in the ointment of computer literacy
byte - [Comput.] 1 whut dem dang flies do 2 a little nibble
C - <Ray Simard> a programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or it isn't.
cabal - transport everybody by taxi
cabbage - [Culin.] 1 <Ambrose Bierce> a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head 2 the fare you pay the taxi driver 3 the number of years a taxi has existed
cache memory - [Comput.] 1 remembering how much one has spent 2 a very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one is supposed to know is there
cactus - an overgrown pin cushion
cad - a man who doesn't tell his wife that he's sterile until she's pregnant
Cadillac - bovine paucity
cafeteria - /from Latin, cafe, 'place to eat,' and teria, 'to retch'/ [Academia]
caffeine - [Culin.] 1 one of the four basic food groups 2 everything one could want in a drink
calculated risk - a computer date with a girl who doesn't take the pill
call - [Academia] what you can't do because your stupid roommate has to go over every stupid detail of every stupid day with their stupid hometown sweetheart
call girl - a negotiable blonde
calorie - [Culin.] basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food 2 unit denoting how good food tastes
calzone - that particular zone where one pigs out on pizza
camel - a horse designed by committee
Camelot - place to shop for a used dromedary
camera - a device used to take pictures. The pointed end goes toward the scene you want to photograph.
campaign reform - [Politics] an attempt by politicians to make it impossible for their opponents to fund a campaign
campus - show us where to pitch our tent
Canada - 51 weeks winter, one week hockeyless summer
Canadians - the other Americans
cancer - [Med.] cure for smoking
candy stripers - person who paints candy
cannibal - 1 someone who is fed up with people 2 person who likes to see other people stewed 3 one who is apt to pass his best friend 4 one who loves his fellow man with gravy
cannon - <Ambrose Bierce> an instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries
canoe - 1 an object that acts like a small boy, i.e., it behaves better when paddled from the rear 2 interrogative meaning, "are you able"
can opener - bathroom key
cantaloupe - [female-specific] gotta get married in a church.
capitalism - man exploiting man, as compared with socialism, which is the reverse
capital offense - the way the Washington Redskins are playing lately
capital punishment - 1 income tax 2 what your congressman does to you after he's elected
capsize - [Naut.] head measurement
capsule - [Med.] a space ship
caramel - a motorized camel
carbine - a seed pod in the shape of an automobile
carburetor icing - [Aviation] a phenomenon happening to Aero club pilots at exactly the same time they run out of gas
carcinoma - [Med.] a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog
cardboard belt - a waist of paper
cardiology - [Med.] the study of poker playing
cards - game devices with which a good deal depends on a good deal
career-minded - [Emp.] female applicants must be childless and remain that way
careful - one who looks both ways while crossing a one-way street
careful driver - one who has made the last payment on his car
carnation - country where everybody has an automobile
carnivore - someone who watches people dancing and playing music in the street
carpal - [Med.] to drive to work with others
carpe diem - gripe of the day
carpenter - a guy who nails down his agreement
carpet - 1 a dog that enjoys riding in automobiles 2 [Par.] an expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes
car pool - [Pers.] complicated system of transportation where mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar
carrier detect - [Comput.] to catch sight of the mailman
carry-on bag - [Aviation] an item, usually of large dimensions, which somehow managed to fit under the passenger's seat on the inbound flight. Regardless of what the passenger says the following are not acceptable as carry-on items: bicycles, steamer trunks, refrigerators, truck tires, or wide screen projection TVs
car service - if it ain't broke, we'll break it
Cartesianism - [Philos.] cogito ergo rectitudo
car sickness - the feeling you get when the car payment is due
cartel - getting your vehicle to pass information
cartoonist - an auto mechanic
cartoons - 1 music played in an automobile 2 devices used by newspapers to say what an editor dare not
case - [Law] the amount of beer chugged by your attorney before breakfast
cash flow - [Econ.] the movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet
casserole - [Culin.] combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together
castanets - what they did to fill the role of Frankie Avalon's movie girlfriend
castrate - 1 hotel rate for actors 2 [Med.] market price for setting a fracture
castration - a eunuch experience
casual work atmosphere - [Emp.] we don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings
cat - 1 small, four legged, furry extortionist resembling a meatloaf 2 walking ego with an attitude problem 3 alien that took over Earth millennia ago 4 lap warmer with built-in buzzer 5 an animal that tastes just like chicken 6 a fast, psychotic animal, bred for target practice 7 God's way of saying your furniture is too nice 8 an animal used for dusting high places 9 proof that eating and sleeping isn't all bad 10 proof that not everything in nature has a function 11 <Ambrose Bierce> soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle
cataclysm - Bible study classes for cats
catacomb - used for brushing cat hair
Catalan opening - starting a local area network for cats
catalog - where a rancher records his inventory
catalyst - a bovine rancher
catarrh - [Med.] a stringed instrument
catastrophe - award given to the cat with the cutest buns
catatonic - [Med.] 1 a feline medicinal drink 2 an aging cat in need of Geritol 3 what feline bars mix with gin
catch and release - a conservation motion that happens most often right before the local fish and game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit
catchup - a hair ball
categorical imperative - [Philos.] if you're right, let's make it a universal law
caterpillar - 1 an upholstered worm 2 soft scratching post for cats
catgut - [Southern U.S., Music] of or belonging to a feline; my dog got fleas but my catgut kittens
catheter - [Med.] string instruments
cat scan - [Med.] 1 very expensive modality for finding a missing hamster 2 searching for Kitty
cat's game - 1 fit into the smallest space available 2 Ha! Made you look!
Catskill Mountains - 1 mountain range with dangerous cats 2 the land of dead mice
cat toy (n) - any object on the ground
catty - an afternoon gathering of gossips
caucus election - [Politics] where machines bring voters to vote for losers; cf. primary election
cauliflower - [Culin.] <Mark Twain> a cabbage with a college education
cause - noises made by crows
cauterize - [Med.] made eye contact with her
caviar emptor - let the fish beware!
CD-ROM /Consumer Device Rendered Obsolete in Months/ [Comput.]
celebrity - person who is well-known for their well-knownness
cell - opposite of bi
cello - [Music] 1 the proper way to answer the phone 2 a gelatin product
Celtics - what a parasite salesman does
cemetery - 1 marble orchard you can take for granite 2 death row 3 <Ambrose Bierce> an isolated suburban spot where mourners match lies
censor - 1 one who sticks his no's into other people's business 2 an individual who knows more than he thinks you should
censorship - ****** *********
census taker - man who goes from house to house increasing the population
centipede - metric inchworm
CEO - /chief embezzlement officer/ [Econ.]
cerebral palsy - [Med.] hands playing in the cereal
cesarean section - [Med.] a historic district in Rome
CFO - /corporate fraud officer/ [Econ.]
chafe - perfue with marked perfiftenfe
chain gang - guys in a singles bar wearing too much jewelry
chaining - [Comput.] method of attaching programmers to desks to speed up output
channel surfing - what to do when you are only remotely interested in TV
chaos - four lawyers plus one dinner bill
Chapter 11 - the part where Rhett rips Scarlett's clothes off
character density - [Comput.] the number of very weird people in the office, divided by the floor space
charity - a thing that begins at home and usually stays there
charm - 1 a way of getting a yes without having asked any clear question 2 the ability to make someone else think that both of you are quite wonderful
chart - 1 [Naut.] a type of map which tells you exactly where you are aground 2 [Aviation] a map, which conveniently unfolds to cockpit-window size, that tells you exactly where you aren't; it is usually marked up by the pilot before takeoff with an exact plan for getting there
chaste - why virgins run
chastity - <Aldous Huxley> the most unnatural of sexual perversions
cheap - [Ad.] much less expensive than ones selling for up to twice as much
cheating - playing by the rules they are taught business school
checkpoint - [Comput.] from where a programmer draws his salary
Cheerios - hula-hoops for ants
chef - a cook who swears in French
chemicals - noxious substances from which modern foods are made
cherry cobbler - [Culin.] a virgin shoemaker
chestnut - a man wild about breasts
chic - considered smart without the deadening implication of intelligence
Chicago - where the dead still vote... early and often!
chicken - 1 egg's way of making more eggs 2 the only creature eaten before it is born and after it is dead
childbirth - [female-specific] you get to go through 36 hours of contractions, he gets to hold your hand and say "focus... breathe... push...."
childhood - [Par.] 1 the rapidly-shrinking interval between infancy and first arrest on a drug or weapons charge 2 that happy period when nightmares occur only during sleep 3 a wonderful time of life when all you need do to lose weight is to take a bath
childish game - one at which you cannot beat your spouse
children - what men become when they get the flu
children - 1 unreasonable facsimiles 2 heir-raising experiences
China - legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables
Chinese checkers - the staff at a Chinatown supermarket
Chinese spy - Peking Tom
chip - 1 either Ponch or John, but not both 2 the fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals 3 not 'spensive
chiropractor - [Med.] 1 manipulator 2 an Egyptian doctor
chivalry - a man's inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself
chocolate - [Culin.] the other major food group
choir - a group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync
chopped cabbage - [Culin.] not just a good idea, it's the slaw
chorea - [Med.] what doctors have instead of a proper job
choosy blonde - one for whom a Tom or a Harry won't do
Chopin - what you have to do with firewood
chorale - place where horses hang out
Christ, Jesus - a man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time
christening - [Par.] to ceremoniously afflict a child with a name
Christian - <Ambrose Bierce> one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor; one who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin
Christmas - 1 a day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry salads, family get-togethers; for others, noted as having the best response time of the entire year 2 a time when each of us gets to reflect upon what we each most deeply and sincerely believe in: money. At the mall of our choice.
church - a place where you encounter nodding acquaintances
cigarette - a pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other
circular definition - see definition, circular
circumcision - 1 a half-off sale on penises 2 the unkindest cut of all
circumference - original knight of the round table
circumvent - opening in the front of boxer shorts
cistern - opposite of brothern
citrate - charge for using a private bench
city life - <Henry David Thoreau> millions of people being lonesome together
civil servant - someone who is neither civil nor disposed to serve
clarification - to fill in the background with so many details that the foreground goes underground
clarinet - [Music] 1 Mr. Net's daughter Clari 2 [Southern U.S.] name used for your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo
clairvoyant - <Ambrose Bierce> a person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead
class action - a stylish deed
classic - <Mark Twain> a book which people praise and don't read
claustrophobia - [Med.] fear of Santa
clear conscience - poor memory
cleavage - something you can both approve of and look down upon
clerical error - when a priest makes a mistake in church
clew - [Naut.] an indication from the skipper as to what he might do next
climate - the only thing you can do with a ladder
climax - mountain hiker's hatchet
Clinton/Gore - the Beavis and Butthead of politics
clique - a group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides; a closed circle of asses
clitoris - [Med.] a type of flower
clone - 1 an exact duplicate; Our product is a clone of their product. 2 a shoddy, spurious copy; Their product is a clone of our product.
clones - [Med.] are people two
close off - a nudist colony sign
clothes but no cigar - a boutique for anti-smokers
clothes dryer - [female-specific] an appliance designed to eat socks.
coach - [Academia] a teacher who rewards successful "students" with a new corvette
coaster - a CD sent to you by AOL
COBOL - /Crude Outdated Boring Obsolete Language or Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic/ [Comput.] an exercise in Artificial Inelegance
cobra - bra worn by Siamese twins
coccus - [Med.] where Iowans choose their presidential candidate
cocky roach - an arrogant insect
coding - [Comput.] an addictive drug
coffee - 1 Sneezy's younger brother 2 consciousness 3 recipient of a cough 4 break fluid
coffin - chest cold symptom
coincide - what to do when it starts raining
coitus interruptus - a jerky movement, usually following the words, "I want to have your child."
cold - 1 when the dog sticks to the fire hydrant 2 when politicians walk around with their hands in their own pockets 3 when the local flashers are handing out written descriptions
cold feet - the ailment you get when you know what the consequences are going to be
cold war - the nightly battle between man and wife to secure and hold all the blankets
Cole's law - [Culin.] thinly sliced cabbage
colic - a sheep dog
collaboration - a literary partnership based on the false assumption that the other fellow can spell
collage - French institute of higher education
collateral - [Econ.] 1 something never required when borrowing trouble 2 verifiable proof that one already has in hand all the money one needs to borrow
collector - one who gathers so many things, he can't remember what he's collecting
college - [Academia] 1 the four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone 2 the bread of life; a four year loaf 3 where girls go for facts and guys go for figures 4 that brief interlude of freedom a young man has between subjection to his mother and submission to his wife 5 a place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing 6 $100 for a book, $500 to prove you read it 7 the fountain of knowledge, where one goes to drink
columbine - to add up all the numbers in a column
coma - [Med.] a punctuation mark
command - [Comput.] 1 suggestion made to a computer 2 a statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in such a manner as to make the human feel as if they are in control
comment - [Comput.] a superfluous element of a source program included so the programmer can remember what the hell it was he was doing six months later; only the weak-minded need them, according to those who think they aren't
commentator - an average potato
commercials - [Media] what the TV station is on the air to broadcast
committee - 1 a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours 2 the unwilling, selected from the unfit, to do the unnecessary 3 individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together 4 12 individuals doing the work of one 5 a life form with six or more legs and no brain
commitment - [Politics] more money from the government; cf. funding
commitment-minded - [Pers.] yeah, right
communication important - [Emp.] just try to get a word in edgewise
communication skills - [Emp.] management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it
commute - to travel to and from work without speaking
companionway - [Naut.] a double berth
compassion - [Politics] the use of tax money to buy votes
competitive salary - [Emp.] we remain competitive by paying less than our competitors
compliment - to say something to another which everyone knows isn't true
compromise - the art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece
compulsive gambler - a guy who would rather lay a bet
computer¹ - [Comput.] 1 box that you can never completely fill with money 2 very fast, very precise device for generating mistakes 3 a million morons working at the speed of light 4 the one thing in a woman's life that does exactly what she tells it to 5 an electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a totally understandable, rigorously logical manner; if you believe this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan
computer² - [Comput.] Up until 1945 a computer was a human being who did mathematical calculations. Of course, with modernization comes mechanization. The computer union couldn't hold back technology. Computers became first mechanical, then electronic, and the study of mathematics became the "new math" where 1 + 1 equals 3 in large values of 1.
computer³ - [Comput.] an instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for IBM.
computer chip - [Comput.] any starchy food stuff consumed in mass quantities while programming
computer club - [Comput.] used to strike computer forcefully upon receiving error messages
computer operator - [Comput.] one who has never heard of human error
computer salesperson - [Comput.] a person without the ethics to be a used car salesperson, and has absolutely no knowledge of computers
computer science - 1 a study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the precision of the former and the success of the latter 2 the post-Turing decline in formal systems theory
computer scientist - [Comput.] someone who fixes things that aren't broken
compile - [Comput.] a heap of decomposing vegetable matter
compiler - [Comput.] Noah Webster (1758-1843)
con artist - person who draws pictures of suspects
conceit - self-respect in someone we dislike
concept - any "idea" for which an outside consultant bills more than $25,000
concert - [Music] a breath mint for inmates
conclusion - the point at which somebody got tired of thinking
concussion - [Med.] a prisoner's sofa pillow
condescending - a skydiving felon
condom - 1 an apartment complex 2 something that should be worn on every conceivable occasion 3 a home for retired semen
condominiums - 1 apartments for mice 2 condoms for fleas, midgets, etc.
conduct - the prisoner stooped down when the book was thrown at him
conductor - musician who is adept at following many people at the same time
cone of confusion - [Aviation] an area about the size of the Isle of Man located near the final approach beacon at an airport
conference - 1 the confusion of one individual multiplied by the number present 2 a meeting of the bored 3 a special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what he's already decided to do
conference management - trying to herd cats
conference room - a place where everybody talks, nobody listens, and everybody disagrees later on
confirm - a criminal enterprise
confound - escaped prisoner recovered
confusion - 1 the oldest religion in China 2 Father's Day in (choose your favorite location) 3 a woman plus a left turn
conference - confusion of one person multiplied by the number present
congenital - [Med.] friendly
Congo - prison escape
congress - 1 the opposite of progress 2 political asylum
connoisseur - one who attains an obsessive knowledge of wines, audio equipment, cats or French cheeses so as to confer a sense of inadequacy on those who would simply enjoy them
conscience - 1 that part of the psyche which dissolves in alcohol 2 the thing that hurts when everything else feels good 3 a little voice that tells us someone may be watching
consciousness - that annoying time between naps
conscript - one who is forced to fight for freedom
consensus - a prison population survey
consent decree - a document in which a hapless company consents never to commit in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it never admitted to in the first place
conservation of energy - [Academia] skipping a lecture
conservative - 1 a liberal who has just been mugged 2 someone who believes that nothing should be done for the first time 3 one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run 4 <Franklin D. Roosevelt> a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk 5 <Elbert Hubbard> one who is opposed to the things he is in favor of 6 a fellow who, in his heart, really believes a rich person should get a square deal 7 <Leo C. Rosten> one who admires radicals centuries after they're dead
considerable - what bullfighters do
consist - growth on an inmate
console - 1 the bottom of a prisoner's shoe 2 [Comput.] what one does to a "down" computer
consolation - <Ambrose Bierce> the knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself
conspiracy - the opiate of the asses
constipation - [Med.] 1 endangered feces 2 to have and to hold 3 a document that was, before the Clinton administration, important to the U.S. government
constant - [Comput.] a type of pressure felt by programmers
consul - <Ambrose Bierce> in American politics, a person who having failed to secure and office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country
consult - <Ambrose Bierce> to seek another's disapproval of a course already decided on
consultant - 1 a jobless person who shows executives how to work 2 someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time 3 someone who knows 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date 4 any ordinary guy more than 50 miles from home 5 on a résumé, the working title of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job 6 a tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase and heavy wallet
consultation - [Med.] to share the wealth
Continental breakfast - 1 English for "not enough food" 2 a roll in bed with some honey
contingency fees - an amount greater than the gross national product of China
contingency fleas - little insects that live on an attorney's dog and his toupee
contents - where criminals sleep while camping
contraband - a group of Nicaraguan guerillas who play music
contraceptives - <Spike Milligan> labor-saving devices to be used on all conceivable occasions
contractor - a gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal
Contract with America - [Politics] a Republican plan to prove that government doesn't work
contralto - [Music] a low sort of music that only ladies sing
contrite - the lament of an illiterate person
control - a short, ugly inmate
convent - how inmates get air conditioning
convention - [Politics] four-day circuses where Republicans shout through their snouts and Democrats show their asses
conversation - 1 <Ambrose Bierce> a fair to the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe those of his neighbor 2 a vocal competition in which the one who is catching their breath is called the listener
conversation piece - a girl who likes to talk in bed
cook -[Par., Culin.] Mom's other name
cookie - [Culin.] 1 virgin doughnut 2 [Par.] the last item that must be eaten in front of a sibling
cookout - the cook's day off
copper nitrate - what policemen get paid for working evenings
copier - a device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages, and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't interested in reading them
copulate - what an Italian police chief says to an officer who doesn't get to work on time
copulation - sex between two consenting police
copyright - 1 to duplicate a computer disk without introducing errors 2 please ensure that you don't misspell the stuff you're stealing
coordinates - a couple of preachers
cordial - describes death by hanging
corduroy pillows - pillows that are making headlines
core memory - [Comput.] a Marine's nostalgia
core storage - [Comput.] a receptacle for the center section of apples
corkscrew - [Culin.] a device used to open a conversation
coronary - [Med.] a domesticated yellow bird
corporation - <Ambrose Bierce> an ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility
corrupt - [Politics] holding an office of trust or profit
corsair - <Ambrose Bierce> a politician of the seas
cortisone - [Med.] the local courthouse
Corvette - a person who has eaten lots of apples
cosine - when someone else agrees to pay your mortgage if you don't
cosmetics - means to prevent men from reading between the lines
couch potato - [Par.] what Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner
counter - [Comput.] a device over which Old Fashions are served
counterfeiter - [Econ.] 1 a worker who puts together kitchen furnishings 2 the only person who doesn't lose money on bad bills 3 a man who is always forging ahead in life 4 a rare individual who has no problem making money--only how to spend it
counter-intelligence - the force that causes individuals to vote democrat
courage - a fear extinguisher
court - place where they dispense with justice
cousin - the relative most likely to be responsible for your trouble
cow - machine that makes grass palatable for humans
coward - <Ambrose Bierce> one who, in case of danger, thinks with his legs
cowlick - bashing a cow
cowhide - game of hide and seek played by cows
CPU - /Central Propulsion Unit/ the computer's engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent: a gerbil if the machine is a Pentium, a ferret if it's a Pentium II, a castrated ferret if it's a Celeron, and a ferret on speed if it's a Pentium III or 4.
crab - [Aviation] the airport Duty Officer
cramming - eating too many snacks while studying
cranium - [Med.] place where large birds are kept
crap - what you'll find in a dyslexic fisherman's cooler
crash - normal termination
cravings - [Par., female-specific] an excuse to gluttonize your way through pregnancy
creative marketing - 15 doughnut shops next to 4 weight loss clinics
creator - <H. L. Mencken> a comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh
credit - [Econ.] 1 the stock in trade of people who are too timid to steal and too proud to beg 2 when hard to get, it is because either the man is not known--or because he is 3 a modern financial device which allows one to spend money one hasn't earned on things one doesn't need to impress people one doesn't like
credit card - [Econ.] 1 a way to increase one's yearning 2 a device that has divided America into two classes: those who have the latest gadgets, and those who pay cash 3 the financial version of fool's gold
creditor - [Econ.] 1 the one person who, in adversity, sticks by you closer than a friend 2 a person with a better memory than a debtor
cremation - [Culin.] used in coffee
Cremona - <Ambrose Bierce> a high-priced violin made in Connecticut
crescendo - [Music] getting louder--testing the neighbors' tolerance level
crestfallen - dropped toothpaste
crew - 1 a type of haircut favored by Reagan supporters 2 eight men and their sweet cox 3 [Media] a collective name for the group of peons who cover up for the television director
cribbage - a baby's bedroom
criminal - [Law] one who gets caught
criminal justice - [Law] when the accused and his attorney go to jail
criminal lawyer - [Law] a redundancy
criminologist - one who will tell you crime doesn't pay, unless, of course, you do it well
crisis - 1 when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing" 2 [Politics] any situation you want to change
critic - <Ambrose Bierce> a person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him
critical mass - religious service for book & film reviewers
critical path method - a management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control
criticism - a big bite out of someone's back
crockery - artistic medium of the politician
cross-country skiing - [Skiing] a traditional Scandinavian all-terrain snow-traveling technique that is good exercise, doesn't require the purchase of costly lift tickets, and has no crowds or lines, so it isn't skiing. See cross-country something-or-other.
cross-country something-or-other - [Skiing] touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow and the muffled tinkle of car keys dropping into the puffy powder of a deep, wind-sculpted drift.
cross-eyed teacher - a teacher that loses control over his or her pupils
crowbar - where birds can get a drink
crust - part of a sandwich saved for the starving children of China, India, Africa, or Europe
crypto- - [Philos.] I'm the only one who knows your wrongness
cum laude - [Southern U.S.] how students in southern universities call dogs named Laude
cunnilingus - piece meal
cup holder - a CD-ROM drive
curiosity - a universal congenital disease, usually outgrown without impact
currant - to yell at a scoundrel
current - to lease a mangy dog
cursor - [Comput.] 1 an expert in 4-letter words, usually those uttered after a computer malfunction or a routine Windows upgrade 2 one whose program will not run
cyclic redundancy check - [Comput.] two locks on the same bicycle
cymbal - [Music] what they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with
cynic - 1 someone who smells the flowers and looks for the casket 2 one who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye 3 <Ambrose Bierce> one whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be
cynical - experienced
cystogram - [Med.] a cable sent to one's sister
da capo - [Music] a type of coffee
Dachshund - <H. L. Mencken> an animal half a dog high by a dog and a half long
Dalmatian - consignment to Hell
damnation - beaver country
dance - 1 a navel engagement without the loss of seamen 2 vertical expression of a horizontal idea
D&C - where Washington is
dare - not here
dark ages - 8 pm to 5:30 a.m. daily
data - an accrual of straws on the backs of theories
database - more information than you'll ever need
date - 1 [Par.] infrequent outings with dad where mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting 2 an organized meeting with someone who has yet to realize their intense dislike for you
date rape - [Law] sexual assault on a calendar
dating - the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future
daughter - a person who dad likes because she reminds him why he married his wife, and who mother is afraid of because she reminds her of why her husband married her
dawn - 1 <Ambrose Bierce> the time when men of reason go to bed 2 when the sun first shines on your hangover
day - <Ambrose Bierce> a period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent
daylight - a redundant word
daze - 1 opposite of knights 2 [Southern U.S.] they are
dead - terminally inconvenienced
dead reckoning - 1 [Aviation] you reckon correctly, or you are 2 [Naut.] a course leading directly to a reef
dead rise - [Naut.] getting up to check the anchor at 0300
deadline oriented - [Emp.] you'll be six months behind schedule on your first day
deadwood - anyone in your company who is more senior than you are
deafness - [Canine] this is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out; symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down
death - 1 something you can live without 2 nature's way of telling you to slow down 3 the one experience impossible to put into perspective afterwards 4 God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy 5 Life's answer to the question "Why?" 5 the greatest kick of all; that's why it is saved for last 6 shown to be 99% fatal to laboratory rats 7 the penultimate commercial transaction finalized by probate 8 to stop sinning suddenly
death row - a cemetery
death wish - the only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to
debate - [Politics] what lures de fish
debit - a common swear word for people who can't pay their bills
debridement - [Med.] the feeling experienced by the groom when his spouse-to-be gets cold feet
debris - 1 how Tattoo on Fantasy Island warns of an impending hurricane; Debris boss, debris! 2 de kiddie cut
debugging - [Comput.] removing the needles from the haystack. Note: The activity of debugging ends when a programmer gets tired of doing it, not when all the bugs are removed
debunk - where de cowboy sleeps
debut - de part of the body you must park to be seated
DEC - /Definitely Expect Cuts/ [Comput.]
decagon - de way you explain how your vehicle was a total washout in an accident
decaf - 1 [Culin.] used to sober up after drinking non-alcoholic beer 2 to deliver a newborn bovine; also, decaffeinated
decay - de letter which comes after de J
decimate - breed with ten people
decision maker - the person in your office who was unable to form a task force before the music stopped
decline - nudists in formation
deconstruction - [Philos.] 1 w/ri(gh)t(e) 2 if I grind you up I can show that even your molecules are wrong
decoy - a flashlight in the pants pocket
decrease - de fold in de pants
deduce - de lowest card in de deck
defame - <Ambrose Bierce> to lie about another. To tell the truth about another.
default - the hardware's, of course
default directory - [Comput.] a black hole: the place where all files that you need disappear to
defeated - chopped off at the ankles
defense - [Law} what you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de children play outside
defenseless - <Ambrose Bierce> unable to attack
deferral - don't hold your breath
defibrillation - [Med.] the act of resolving to tell the truth
defibrillator - [Med.] a lie detector
deficit - [Politics] 1 (when your party is out of power) the nation's biggest problem 2 (if your party is in power) a necessary economic stimulus
define - [Law] de ting you get fo' breakin' de law
déjà vu - 1 the illusion of having previously experienced something actually being encountered for the first time 2 the illusion of having previously experienced something actually being encountered for the first time
delay - the greatest remedy for anger
delayed payment - a tourniquet applied at the pockets
deliberation - <Ambrose Bierce> the act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on
delicate - dainty kitten who likes kosher food
deliver - 1 what too much alcohol affects 2 to remove the liver
deluxe - [Travel] barely standard
democracy - 1 how voters choose whom to blame 2 four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch 3 <Gerald Barry> you say what you like and do what you're told 4 <Charles Bukowski > the difference between a democracy and a dictatorship is that in a democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a dictatorship you don't have to waste your time voting. 5 <H. L. Mencken> the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard
demonstration - [Politics] a riot by people you agree with; cf. mob violence
demote - what de king put around de castle
denial - 1 how an optimist keeps from becoming a pessimist 2 a river in Egypt
denounce - words that name things, not de verbs, de adjectives, etc
dense - what your car gets in a fender bender
dentist - 1 <Ambrose Bierce> a prestidigitator who puts metal into your mouth, and pulls coins out of your pocket 2 one who lives from hand to mouth 3 one who repairs dings, hail damage, and other types of minor damage on automobiles 4 one who is always looking down in the mouth
dentures - two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed periodically to frighten one's grandchildren or provide accompaniment to Spanish music
Denver - a smallish city located just below the 'O' in Colorado
depth - height turned upside down
depressed - [Med.] 1 wrinkled 2 a fired journalist 3 no longer available in print
derail - the subway in Brooklyn
derive - something to avoid when you derink
derange - a place where de cowboys ride
deranged - driven off the ranch
dermatology - [Med.] rash judgments
deserter - soldier who stuffs himself with all the ice cream and cream cakes
design - what you regret not doing later on
design simplicity - [Ad.] it was developed on a shoe-string budget and manufacturer's cost cut to the bone
desk - a large wastebasket with drawers and a phone
despair - de extra tire in de trunk
despise - de persons who work for the CIA
dessert - [Culin.] the reason for eating a meal
destabilize - to take the horse out for a trot
detail - procedure performed on Boxer puppies, specif. to remove a tail
detention - what causes de stress
dethrone - place where people do their best thinking
deviated septum - [Med.] a septum with strange cravings
deviation - [Naut.] any departure from the Captain's orders
deviled eggs - [Culin.] what a wicked chicken lays
dew - air that looks wet
DHTML - [Comput.] d' new HTML: even more buggy than d' old one
diagnostic - [Med.] to expire not knowing whether God exists
dialectic - [Philos.] I'm right, but then again, I may be wrong
diamond - a woman's idea of a stepping stone to success
diamond ring - jewelry which can later be used as collateral for the divorce lawyers
diaphragm - [Med.] 1 a drawing in geometry 2 a childproof cap
diarrhea - 1 a journal of daily events 2 when you can't get your shit together
diary - 1 book of revelations 2 a book where you keep all of your deepest, most erotic, and intimate secrets because if you didn't, you'd forget them by next week
diatonic - [Music] 1 low fat drink 2 liquid poison
dictator - 1 another name for Richard Spud 2 a male potato
dictionary - a place where divorce comes before marriage and success comes before work
die - 1 <Ambrose Bierce> the singular form of "dice"; seldom used because of the proverb "never say die" 2 <Elbert Hubbard> to stop sinning suddenly
dieresis - a fear held by ambitious primates; If I don't stop monkeying around and evolve soon, I'll dieresis
diet - 1 for people who are thick and tired of it all 2 gut reaction 3 triumph of mind over platter 4 what some women do to their hair 5 keeping willpower dominant over won't power 6 the penalty for exceeding the feed limit 7 a brief period of starvation followed by a gain of five pounds
diet soda - [female-specific] a drink bought at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&M's.
digestion - <Ambrose Bierce> the conversion of victuals into virtues
digital - like those numbers that flip on your alarm clock
digital computer - someone who counts on his fingers
digit emitter - [Comput.] sandals
dilate - [Med.] to live long
dilated pupils - [Med.] Lamaze class graduates
dilation - [Med, Par.]one of those things a pregnant woman has to take her doctor's word for
dildo - a variety of sweet pickles
dilemma - 1 trying to believe someone you normally trust when you know you would lie if you were in their place 2 a type of pickle
dime - dollar after taxes
diminished fifth - [Music] an empty bottle of Jack Daniels
dimple - a pimple going the other way
dinghy - [Naut.] the sound of the ship's bell
dinosaur - how a giant lizard feels after a tough workout
diode - what happens to people who don't die young
dios - the one true operating system
dioxin - what you say before you kill a herd of buffalo-like cattle
diphthong - bimbo in a string bikini who slurs her speech
diploma - di man who fixes di pipes
diplomacy - 1 the art of letting someone else get your way 2 lying in state 3 saying, "nice doggy" until you find a large enough rock 4 saying, "go to hell" such that they look forward to the trip 5 the nastiest thing in the nicest way 6 <Ambrose Bierce> the patriotic art of lying for one's country
diplomat - 1 someone who has the same enemies as you 2 a government official who appeases high-ranking members of third world countries with free parking and a ten cent discount on US oil products 3 a man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat; cf. "salesman"
dip switch - how my sister gets a new boyfriend
direct sales only - [Ad.] factory had big argument with distributor
disappointment - a particular meeting
disbar - as distinguished from dat bar
disbelief - how you tell someone what the green stuff on a tree is
discord - dot to be confuse with datcord
discount - CD store inventory
discourse - [Philos.] talky talky
disdain - di one on your pants
disgruntled - pigs with laryngitis
disguise - such pains. Always troubling dismisses.
disk - [Comput.] what goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip
disk crash - [Comput.] a typical computer response to any critical deadline
dismantled - the New York Yankees after 1968
Disneyland - a people trap operated by a mouse
disobedience - <Ambrose Bierce> the silver lining to the cloud of servitude
disorient express - a state of confusion
dispirited - out of gin
displacement - [Naut.] when you dock your boat and can't find it later
disrobe - to tell off a monk at a nudist colony
dissects - killer intercourse
distinctive - [Ad.] a different shape and color than the others
diverse - poetry about death
divest - to change the color of a waistcoat
divorce - 1 postgraduate in School of Love 2 <Robin Williams> Latin for "to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet" 3 a change of wife
divorce court - hall of blame
D-minus - [Academia] a pretty good grade
DNA - building block of life; appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to nowhere
doctor - [Med.] 1 cures ills with pills and kills with bills 2 a lucky fellow who is privileged to undress women and go all over them without getting his face slapped 3 a professional who enjoys bad health
document - what you ask the doctor when you don't understand him
documentation - [Comput.] 1 describes the way the program used to be, or perhaps the way it should have been 2 instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English-speaking persons
dodo - a double negative with a head cold
dog - 1 a creature who hears a burglar, barks once, then hides in the closet 2 a foot warmer that must be fed
dog bed - [Canine] any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly-upholstered couch in the living room
doghouse - mutt hut
dog kennel - barking lot
dogma - puppy's mom
dogmatic - 1 run by canine power 2 man's best mechanical friend
dogmatism - fully grown puppymatism
dog paddle - a rolled-up newspaper with which to punish a dog without hurting it
dog pound - used cur lot
Dolly - a girl like ewe
donation - a country of female deer
donkey - instrument to get you into the godfather's house
dope traffic - dumb drivers
door - something a cat is always on the wrong side of
dorm - [Academia] student residence located only a few convenient miles from 8 a.m. classes
dorm room - [Academia] a small closet-like area inhabited by a pair of incompatible people
DOS /Dead On Site/ or /Defunct Operating System/ [Comput.] an operating system used by lemmings. DOS computers are by far the most popular. Macintosh users, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.
double-blind experiment - an experiment in which the chief researcher believes they are fooling both the subject and the lab assistant; often accompanied by a strong belief in the tooth fairy
dot matrix - [Comput.] old Dan Matrix's wife
double-blind experiment - an experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a strong belief in the tooth fairy.
doughnut - [Culin.] holey food
down for the count - 1 a nobleman's comforter 2 goose feathers for Dracula
download - [Comput.] 1 a truck full of feathers 2 how a computer eats
draft - an ill wind from which many a young man has caught his death
drainage - the length of time a sewer has been in existence
dramatize - what well-dressed actors wear
dreadlocks - fear of opening the deadbolt
drill press - a tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the rolling stones poster over the bench grinder
drill sergeant - private instructor
drinking glass - [Par.] any carton or bottle left open in the fridge
drool - [Canine] what you do when your persons have food and you don't; to do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps
drooling - [Par.] how teething babies wash their chins
drug - a substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific paper
duck - chicken on snow shoes
due date - [Academia] what only seems light-years away
duel - 1 a fight over love and money or jealousy and infidelity, for example 2 [Music] music sung by two people
duet - [Music] don't just sit there!
due tomorrow - [Academia] do tomorrow
dumbwaiter - one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert
dump - [Comput.] 1 a system programmer's work area 2 the place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install your computer 3 a place where bad mechanics go shopping for parts
dust - 1 insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone 2 mud with the juice squeezed out
dust rags - see "Dad's underwear"
Dutch treat - when two businessmen have dinner and each uses his own expense account
duties will vary - [Emp.] anyone in the office can boss you around
duty - <Oscar Wilde> what one expects from others
DWORD - [Comput.] four-letter words used by programmers in a state of confusion
dyke - a woman who kick-starts her vibrator
dysentery - what you get when dissent merges with commentary
ear - a place where kids store dirt
earnest - hair growing in a man's ears
earthquake - a topographical error
Easter - not as far west
easy - a woman who has the morals of a man
Easy Street - a line of blondes
eat - [Par.] what kids do between meals, but not at them
eclipse - what a barber does
echo - the only thing that can't stop you getting the last word
eclectic - [Philos.] you are wrong in a lot of different ways
economics - [Econ.] the science dealign with life's two greatest problems: how to make money, and how to get along without it 2 the only academic field where two people can win the Nobel prize for proposing opposite theories 3 a discipline governed by some laws that do not apply to the female gender--a woman without principle always draws interest
economist - [Econ.] 1 an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today 2 a person who knows more about money than people who have it 3 one of a group of people who, if laid end to end, couldn't reach a conclusion 4 one of a band of educated men and women who define and codify the laws of greed 5 an ambidextrous individual who is always saying, "...on the other hand" 6 one who firmly believes that they are needed by the poor to tell them that they are 7 a person who works with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant
economy - [Econ.] 1 buying the tank of gas that you can't afford for the car you couldn't afford 2 a fool's goal--and he will pay any price to get it
ecstasy - the feeling you get when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before
ecstatic - formerly charged with electric particles
ecumenical - learning to get along with the opposite sects
edible - <Ambrose Bierce> good to eat and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm
editing - a rewording activity
editor - one who spends their time righting instead of writing
educated - [Pers.] college dropout
education - 1 <Ambrose Bierce> that which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding 2 [Politics] proof positive that government can do some things more economically than private enterprise 3 <B. F. Skinner> what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten
education budget - [Academia] money you allocate each month for movies and magazines
egghead - 1 what Mrs. Dumpty gives Humpty 2 a a brainy student who studies all the time and gets straight A's b that same student once you've dropped eggs on him from the roof of the science lab
ego - that part of the psyche that realizes there is an outside world filled with idiots
egocentric - a person who believes he is everything you know you are
egotist - 1 someone who is usually me-deep in conversation 2 one who suffers from I strain 3 <Ambrose Bierce> a person of poor taste who is more interested in himself than you 4 someone who talks much and thinks little 5 one who does crossword puzzles with a pen
ejaculate - Jill greeting her boyfriend and informing him he's been tardy again
elastic - a synthetic material designed to make Oprah's pants
election - an advance auction of stolen goods
election campaigning - [Politics] foreplay before you get screwed
electrician - 1 a person who wires for money 2 a switch doctor
electrocution - burning at the stake with all the modern improvements
electroshock - [Med.] the effect of a utility bill
elephant - 1 a mouse built to government specifications 2 a useful animal with a vacuum cleaner in front and a rug beater at the back
elixir - [Med.] what a dog does to his owner when she gives him a bone
elliptical - what a kiss feels like
elope - to form a secret merger
eloquence - <François de la Rochefoucald> saying the proper thing and stopping
emergency numbers - the police station, fire department, and places that deliver
emesis - [Med.] a pop group with Phil Collins
emotion - a vibrating web page
emotional issue - [Politics] a political controversy involving the convictions of conservatives; cf. matter of principle
emotionally secure - [Pers.] medicated
employed - [Pers.] has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
empty nest - [Par.] see "wishful thinking"
encrypt - 1 where Egyptian mummies sleep 2 what one does with a dead language
enema - 1 not a friend 2 a goose with a gush
energy - [Par.] element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something
enhance - to tamper with an image, usually to its detriment
engineer's estimate - the cost of construction in heaven
engine failure - [Aviation] a condition which occurs when all fuel tanks become filled with air
enjoys arts & opera - [Pers.] snob
enjoys nature - [Pers.] bring your own granola
enlist - n, n, n, n, n
en masse - a large Sunday morning church service
enough - The End
enter - Northerner talk fer, c'mon in y'all
enthusiasm - the energy of youth that goes away with experience
entrance exam - a precoital check-up
entreprenuer - a high-rolling risk taker who would rather be a spectacular failure than a dismal success
entry-level - [Emp.] pays nothing
entomology - to fear no weevil
envelope - <Ambrose Bierce> the coffin of a document; the scabbard of a bill; the husk of a remittance; the bed-gown of a love-letter
envy - wishing one had born with an unfair advantage, instead of having to try and acquire one
epiphenomenon - [Philos.] this sentence is neither right nor wrong, as it is the product of a chemical reaction
episiotomy - [Med.] cutting a wide birth
epistemology - [Philos.] how I know I'm right and you're wrong
epistle - what apostle's are always firing off
epitaph - a statement that lies above about the person that lies below
epoch - the sound made by a hen
EPS - /eventual prison sentence/ [Econ.]
erection - when the Japanese vote for their new government officials
Erie canal - a spooky waterway
erode - he didn't walk
erogenous zone - the skin you touch to love
erotic - small bug from Europe
error - [Comput.] 1 someone else's non-satisfaction with your computer output 2 what you made the first time you walked into a computer showroom to "just look"
error message - [Comput.] terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings, e.g., Welcome to Windows!
erudite - exhibiting a degree of book learning fatal to success in any business or romantic enterprise
escape - one size larger than an "R" cape
escape sequence - [Comput.] distract guard, dig tunnel, cut through fence...
esplanade - an explanation attempted while drunk
estimated position - [Naut., Aviation] a place you have marked on the chart where you are sure you are not
etc. - used to make it appear as if you know more than you do etc
eternity - [female-specific] 1 the last two minutes of a football game 2 the length of time between when you come and he leaves
Ethernet - [Comput.] a devithe for catching the Ether Bunny
etiquette - 1 when you make your guests feel at home when you wish they were 2 saying "No, thank you," when you want to yell, "Gimme!"
eulogy - study of the 25th letter
eunuch - a man cut out to be a bachelor
Europe - the next one to bat
Eustachian - "gesundheit!"
euthanasia - [Med.] young people from Asia
evangelist - <Ambrose Bierce> a bearer of good tidings who gives us the good news and assures us of our own salvation and damnation of our neighbors
evaporate - [par.] magic trick performed by children when it comes time to clear the table or wash the dishes
evil - Adam's wife is sick
evolution - 1 from goo to you by way of the zoo 2 Nature's way of upgrading the hardware 3 how scientists make monkeys of themselves
excel - a freed prisoner
exception - <Ambrose bierce> a thing which takes the liberty to differ from other things of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman, etc. "The exception proves the rule" is an expression constantly upon the lips of the ignorant, who parrot it from one another with never a thought of its absurdity. In the Latin, "Exceptio probat regulam" means that the exception tests the rule, puts it to the proof, not confirms it. The malefactor who drew the meaning from this excellent dictum and substituted a contrary one of his own exerted an evil power which appears to be immortal.
excitement - two women plus one secret
exclusive - [Ad.] 1 we're the only ones who have the documentation 2 imported product
excuse me - [Par.] one of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children
executive suite - a sugar daddy
exegesis - [Philos.] I know what it means and I can discourse all day about it; cf. hermeneutics
exercise - [female-specific] to walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
exercise nut - someone who works hard convincing himself that exercise isn't work
exhibitionist - a person who discards three aces in strip poker
existential - [Philos.] don't feel bad--everyone is wrong
Ex-Lax - formerly the Los Angeles Airport
exotic dancer - a girl who brings home the bacon a strip at a time
expansion slots - [Comput.] the extra holes in your belt buckle
expansion unit - [Comput.] the new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals
expectation - a gay couple buying a baby's cot
expelled - a retired witch
expense - [Econ.] something not hard to meet--they're everywhere
expense account - [Econ.] 1 a system which allows you to squander money before the government gets a chance to do it for you 2 corporate food stamps
experience - 1 perils of wisdom 2 what causes one to think twice before saying nothing 3 <Oscar Wilde> a name everyone gives to his mistakes 4 what you get when you don't get what you want 5 <Ambrose bierce> the wisdom that enables us to recognize as an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced 6 [Emp.] something you can't get unless you've already got it, in which case you probably don't want any more of it
experiment - an undertaking to prove a hypothesis, such as "one-legged cats are easier to throw," or "cats without legs never land on all fours"
expert - 1 an unknown drip under pressure 2 someone who comes from out of town and shows slides 3 a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy
exploration - beating around the bush
explore on your own - [Travel] at your own expense
express - formerly of print media
extended beta - [Ad.] the production release will be "real soon now"
extent - place to put your former spouse
external storage - [Comput.] wastebasket
extra credit - [Academia] what you wish you had on your credit card
extravagance - the way other people spend money
extremely professional - [Emp.] I carry a day-timer
eye - [Par.] the highly vulnerable optical system which, according to Mom, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife
eye contact - a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him; despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest
eyedropper - [Med.] a clumsy ophthalmologist
eye for detail - [Emp.] we have no quality control
e-z out bolt and stud extractor - a tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is 10 times harder than any known drill bit
f - [Music] loud, the neighbors are out
F - [Academia] school grade that can usually be altered to look like a "B"
fable - a story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew
facts - things which tend to moderate opinions
fad - 1 in one era and out the other 2 a folly committed by enough of the right people to confer upon it a badge of status
fairy tale - a horror story to prepare children for the newspapers
faith - 1 <Ambrose bierce> belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel 2 where your eyeth, nothe and mouth are located 3 That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be untrue
fakir - a psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished
fallacy - [Philos.] why you don't even know you're wrong
false consciousness - [Philos.] deep down you know I'm right
falsehood - someone who pretends to be a gangster
false pregnancy - laboring under a misconception
family planning - [Par.] the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
fanatic - 1 one who, having lost sight of his goal, redoubles his efforts 2 <Winston Churchill> one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject 3 where you store your fans in the winter
fan club - weapon used by a celebrity so he won't be crushed by fans
fancy restaurant - [Culin.] one that serves cold soup on purpose
far - [Southern U.S.] a conflagration
fast-paced company - [Emp.] we have no time to train you
fashion - 1 something that goes in one year and out the other 2 a form of ugliness so intolerable that it changes every six months 3 <Ambrose Bierce> a despot whom the wise ridicule and obey
fast food - [Culin.] economy gastronomy
fastidious - girl who is both easy and hideous
fatalist - one who passes all his days in continual expectation of the unexpected
fat free - no extra charge for the fat
father - 1 a banker provided by nature 2 someone who has redeemed the money in his wallet for snapshots
father-in-law - the fellow who is now happy to have paid for the wedding because now his wife has another man to harass
Father's Day - nine months before labor day
fear - /False Evidence Appearing Real/
feast - an eat wave
feast of the vestal virgins - cherries jubilee
featherbrained - fuzzyheaded
feather head - an American Indian chief
feature - [Comput.] 1 a hardware limitation as described by a marketing representative 2 a defect with seniority 3 a surprising property of a program, occasionaly documented. To call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though not necessarily wrong response. A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it. That's not a bug, it's a feature!
feces - what Bill Clinton sees in the mirror
federal budget - [Politics] a work of fiction about government spending
feedback - [Par.] the inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots
felicity - a town inhabited by happy cats
feline - opposite of "he" lion
felonious assault - attacking someone with a cat
felt tip - past tense for a breast examination
feminism - a political position which seeks to rebuild society so that both men and women are treated as women wish to be treated
femur - not a male
ferret - 1 cross between a dachshund and a cat 2 chaos theory with teeth, claws, and a slight odor
ferritin - [Med.] searching for something hurriedly
fester - 1 quicker than someone else 2 actor in Gunsmoke
fete - a boring party worse than death
fetus - [Med.] a character on Gunsmoke
feudalism - it's your Count that votes
ff - [Music] very loud, to hell with the neighbors
fib - <Ambrose Bierce> a lie that hasn't cut it's teeth yet; a habitual liar's nearest approach to the truth
fiber - edible wood-pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume wood-pulp
fibrillate - [Med.] to tell a lie in the wee hours of the morning
fibroblast - [Med.] health food binge
fibula - [Med.] small lie
fiction - 1 the story told by a completed income tax form 2 can't hold a scandal to biography
fidelity - <Ambrose Bierce> a virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed
fiddle - <Ambrose Bierce> an instrument to tickle the hu