Why I will not be buying Windows Vista, and a gentle introduction to Linux
Steely Dan and Lisa Loeb à la Cybernetic Poet
Piet Mondrian meets Andy Warhol
Language: facts, fun, foibles, fascination, and faraway places
The canonical list of funny definitions
Sights and sites in Microsoft Flight Simulator
Astronomy in Microsoft Flight Simulator
Principles of good web design: how not to make me hate you
Psychology jokes and tricks
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. Now she has 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
The Psychiatrist's 23rd Psalm
The Lord is my external-internal integrative mechanism, I shall not be deprived of gratification for my viscerogenic hungers or my need-dispositions.
He motivates me to orient myself toward a non-social object with affective significance.
He positions me in a non-decisional situation.
He maximizes my adjustment.
Although I entertain masochistic and self-destructive id impulses, I will maintain contact with reality, for my superego is dominant.
His analysis and tranquilizers, they comfort me.
He assists in the resolution of my internal conflicts despite my Oedipal problem and psychopathic compulsions.
He promotes my group identification.
My personality is totally integrated.
Surely my prestige and status shall be enhanced as a direct function of time,
And I shall remain sociologically, psychologically and economically secure forever.
Three decrepit rodents,
Three decrepit rodents,
Observe how they motivate,
Observe how they motivate,
They all pursued the agricultural spouse,
Who amputated their appendages with a culinary cleaver,
Did you ever observe such a phenomena in your existence,
As three decrepit rodents.
While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.
"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."
"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"
They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."
The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."
The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
If you could really accept that you weren't ok
you could stop proving you were ok.
If you could stop proving that you were ok
you could get that it was ok not to be ok.
If you could get that it was ok not to be ok
you could get that you were ok the way you are.
You're ok, get it?
--Werner Erhard
A middle-aged man had an obsession with women's breasts. So he went to a psychologist and told the doctor about his problem. "I am going to do word association," explained the doctor. "I will say a word, and you will say the first thing that come to your mind. Let's begin. Oranges," said the doctor.
"Breasts," replied the patient.
"Apples."
"Breasts."
"Watermelons."
"Breasts."
"Wipers."
"Breasts."
"Wait a minute! I can see the connections between oranges, apples, watermelons and breasts. But automobile wipers? Where is the connection?" asked the doctor.
"Easy: one on the left and one on the right!"
A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night I dreamed I was an Alpha Romero. Last night I dreamed I was a Porche. What does this mean?"
"Relax," says the doctor. "You're just having an auto-body experience."
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
A man goes to a psychologist and tells the doctor, "Doc, I think I have an obsession with sex." The psychologist agrees to examine him and begins by showing him some ink blots.
"What does this look like to you?" asks the doctor.
"Two people having sex in a bed," replies the client.
"And this one?" asks the doctor, showing a new ink blot.
"Two people having sex in a car," says the client.
"And how about this one?"
"Two people having sex in a field."
"Well," says the doctor, "you do seem to have an obsession with sex."
"Me?!" demands the client, "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
A social psychologist and a LISW are having dinner together. On the table there is a dish with one big piece of fish and one small piece of fish. They politely say to each other, "You may choose first."
"No, you may choose first."
This goes on for a while, then the social psychologist says: "OK, I'll take first," and takes the big piece of fish.
The LISW exclaims, "Why did you take the big piece? That's not polite!"
The social psychologist says, "Which piece would you have taken?"
The LISW replies, "Why, I would have taken the SMALL piece, of course."
"Well, that's what you have now!"
Albert Einstein arrives at a dinner party. He introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What's your IQ?" Larry answers, "165." "That is wonderful!" says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have much to discuss!"
Next, Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What's your IQ?" The lady answers, "124."
"That is great!" responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"
Albert goes to another person and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man answers, "51."
Albert responds, "How 'bout them Steelers?"
Family Stress Test
How to score: 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if it is sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true. 1. ___ Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk". 2. ___ The school principal has your number on speed-dial. 3. ___ The cat is on Valium. 4. ___ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth. 5. ___ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf. 6. ___ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family. 7. ___ No one has _time_ to wait for microwave TV dinners. 8. ___ "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials. 9. ___ You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash. 10.___ No-Doz gives you bulk rates. How you rate: 30 - a perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood! 20-29 - You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little going on in your life. Crank it up. 10-19 - You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered a parallel career path? 0-9 - Enjoying all that extra time? What do you _do_ anyway?
A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his office and says, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
A man goes to see his psychiatrist. He says, "Doctor, I've been having suicidal tendencies. What should I do?"
The psychiatrist replies, "Pay your bill today."
Patient: "Doctor, I hear all kinds of animals talking in my head."
Doctor: "Don't worry, you're just having Disney spells."
A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself.
"You don't have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her you're the boss."
The husband takes the doctor's advice. He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife's face, and growls, "From now on, you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with the boys, and you are going to stay at home where you belong. And another thing, guess who's going to comb my hair, give me a shave, and tie my necktie?"
His wife says calmly, "The undertaker."
Psychology one-liners
I read somewhere that 77% of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23% who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.
--Emo Philips
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating.
--Heard in a neuropsychology classroom
The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability
to function.
--F. Scott Fitzgerald
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out.
I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD.
What women and psychologists call "dropping your armor," we call "baring your neck."
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
I often dream about being carried away by a giant squirrel. Does that make me a nut?
Once I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Being in therapy is like making love to a beautiful woman. You get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.
"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?"
"Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive."
After the college boy delivered the pizza to a trailer house, the man asked, "What is the usual tip?"
"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."
"Is that so? Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying?" asked the man.
The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."
Animal Thoughts
Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."
Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"
Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"
Goldfish: "The wimpy knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"
Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? Hell, no!"
Dog: "Human legs that just tease."
Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"
Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"
Cat Thoughts
I could have sworn I heard the can opener.
Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?
Why doesn't the government do something about dogs?
I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ulterior motives?
If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we cats ever get these stupid dogs to do anything for us?
This looks like a good spot for a nap.
Hey—no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.
Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?
If there's a God, how can He allow neutering?
If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let them know who's boss!
Psychiatric Christmas Carols
Remixed by those with...
Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder: We Three Kings Disoriented Are...
Dementia: I'll Be Home For Christmas... Where Do I Live?
Narcissism: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me!
Mania: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and.... We Need More Holly!
Paranoia: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
Personality Disorder (Severe Insecurity): You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why (But If You Loved Me You Would Know Already).
Depression: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.
Passive-Aggressive Personality: On The First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me (and then took it all away).
Borderline Personality Disorder: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...(better start again)
"Mr. Bush," the analyst said, "I think this will be your last visit."
"Does that mean I'm cured?" he asked.
"For all practical purposes, yes," she said. "I think we can safely say that your kleptomania is now under control. You haven't stolen anything in two years, and you seem to know where the kleptomania came from."
"Well, that's terrific, Doctor. Before I go, I'd like to tell you something. Although our relationship is strictly professional, it's been one of the most rewarding of my life. I wish I could do something to repay you for helping me."
"You've paid my fee," the doctor said. "That's the only responsibility you have."
"I know," Bush said. "But isn't there some personal favor I could do for you?"
"Well," the doctor said, "I'll tell you what. If you ever suffer a relapse, my son could use a nice portable color television."
Two very successful psychoanalysts occupied offices in the same building. One was 40 years old, the other over 70. They rode on the elevator together at the end of an unbearably hot, sticky day. The younger man was completely done in, and he noted with some resentment that his senior was fresh as a daisy.
"I don't understand," he marveled. "How you can listen to complaining patients from morning 'til night, on a day like this, and still look so spry and unbothered when it's over?"
The older analyst replied, "Who listens?"
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they come."
The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.
"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he sputtered.
"On the contrary," the man said, "he's done me world of good."
"But you threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.
"Yes," the man said. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore."
A visitor was permitted to walk freely through an insane asylum and became interested in observing a man who was moving about slowly. The man's hands were held together as if he were hiding something in them.
"Pardon me, sir," said the visitor, "but I'm interested. What are you hiding in your hands?"
"Try to guess," said the patient.
"A million dollars?"
The man peeked into his hands. "Nope," he said.
"An airplane?"
Another peek. "Nope!"
"A yacht?"
Another peek. "Nope!"
"A horse?"
Another peek, and then a sly look at the visitor. "What color?"
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office with a concerned look on his face. "Doc," he says, "I'm worried. It's that dream. I'm having it again."
"What dream?" asked the shrink, not really paying attention.
"You know," says the man, "the one where I'm into sadism and bestiality and necrophilia. Should I be worried or am I just beating a dead horse?"
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.
"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."
A psychiatrist was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found a patient sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. A second patient was hanging from the ceiling by his feet.
The doctor asked the first patient what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired of the first patient what the other patient was doing. The first patient replied, "Oh, he's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb." The doctor looks up and notices the second patient's face is going all red.
The doctor asks the first patient, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself." The first patient replies, "What, and work in the dark?"
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but the light bulb has to really want to change.
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry's bar?"
"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."
"Ok, he's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."
"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"
"I thought you said he's 13?"
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a psychologist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed, and vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day, a few weeks later, Bill came home ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh... She got fired too."
The psychology of marketing
An interoffice softball game was held every year between the marketing and support staff of one company.
The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly.
To show just how the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:
"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for this year's softball season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game."
They have finally found a diagnosis for my condition: A.A.A.D.D., or Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it goes:
I decide to wash the car. I start toward the garage and I notice the mail on the table. Ok, I'm going to wash the car, but first I'm going to go through the mail.
I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and I notice the trash can is full. Ok, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the trash can out. But since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first.
Now, where is my checkbook? Oops, there's only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk. Oh, there's the coke I was drinking. I'm going to look for those checks. But first I need to put my coke further away from the computer. Oh, maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while.
I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye; they need some water. I set the coke on the counter and uh oh! There are my glasses. I was looking for them all morning! I'd better put them away first.
I fill a container with water and head for the flower pots -- Aaaaaagh! Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We'll never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television so I'd better put it back in the family room where it belongs.
I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor, I throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do?
End of Day:
The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the coke is sitting on the kitchen counter, the flowers are half watered, the checkbook still only has one check in it and I can't seem to find my car keys! When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!
I realize this is a serious condition and I'll get help, but first I think I'll check my e-mail...
Please send this to everyone you know because I don't remember who I've already sent this to!
Hello, welcome to the psychiatric hotline:
If you are obsessive-compulsive; please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4, and 5
If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
The Oreo Personality Test
Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which one eats Oreo cookies provides great insight into one's personality. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:
1. The whole thing all at once
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles, examining the results of each bite afterwards
4. In little feverous nibbles
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee, etc.)
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie
8. Just the cookie, not the inside
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreo cookies.
Your Personality:
1. The whole thing all at once: You consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children.
2. One bite at a time: You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's okay, not to worry, you're normal.
3. Slow and methodical nibbles: You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal-retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit.
4. Feverous nibbles: Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.
5. Dunked: Everyone likes you because you are always upbeat. You like to sugarcoat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotics addiction.
6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie: You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie: You are good at business and take risks that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside: You enjoy pain.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them: Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help--immediately.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreo cookies.: You probably come from a rich family, like to wear nice things, and go to upscale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prim.
Larry went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under ... you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Larry.
Six months later the doctor met Larry on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Coleman, and sat down to explain his problem.
"Doctor, doctor!" he started.
"No need to repeat yourself, my good man," replied the doctor. "One 'doctor' is enough."
"Yes, well, you see, I've got this problem," the man continued. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. A large, white, hairy Pyrenees mountain dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!"
"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Come over here and lie down on the couch."
"Oh no, Doctor. I'm not allowed up on the furniture."
A man walks into a dentist's office and says, "Excuse me, can you help me? I think I'm a moth."
Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"
Man: "The light was on...."
Dr. Coleman, the world famous psychiatrist, was the guest of honor at a chic party.
A blonde saddled up next to Dr. Coleman, batted her eyes, tossed her hair over her shoulder and asked, "Doctor, would you mind telling me, how would you detect a mental deficiency in a someone who appears completely normal?"
Dr. Coleman chuckled. "Nothing could be easier, my dear. All you have to do is ask the person a very simple question which anyone could answer with no trouble at all. If the person hesitates, that lets you know something might be wrong 'upstairs,' so to speak."
"Interesting. What sort of question?"
"Well, for example, let me ask you: Columbus made four trips to North America and died during one of them. Which one?"
She thought for a second and said, "Ummm, do you have another question to ask? I never was very good at history."
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him I wanted a second opinion. He told me, "OK, you're ugly, too."
Passive Personality Testing for Employers 1
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Planning.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.
If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for the Information Desk.
If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.
If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material. If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.
If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
Passive Personality Testing for Employers 2
Scatter one hundred bricks in a room with an open window, send in your newly hired employees, close the door, then return at the end of the day and analyze the bricks.
If they counted the bricks, put them in Accounting.
If they counted and recounted the bricks, put them in Auditing.
If they messed up the bricks, put them in Engineering.
If they arranged the bricks in a unique way, put them in Planning.
If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
If they are sleeping, put them in Reception.
If they broke the bricks to tiny pieces, put them in Information Technology.
If they are sitting and talking about the bricks, put them in Human Resources.
If they claim to have tried different combinations, yet not a brick is moved, put them in Sales.
If they have already gone home, put them in Marketing.
If they are just sitting around talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved, put them in upper management.
Feelings of inadequacy? Shyness? Wish you were more assertive? Ask your doctor about Tequila®, the natural way to feel more confident. Tequila® will ease you out of shyness and tell the world that you're willing to do anything. And Tequila® works almost immediately. With a regimen of regular doses, shyness and awkwardness become a thing of the past and you'll discover talents you never knew you had. Warning: Tequila® may not be right for everyone. Pregnant and nursing women should not use Tequila® although women who want to become pregnant should give it a try. Side effects include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lust, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headaches, dehydration, dry mouth, a desire to sing karaoke, and may lead to all-night bouts of truth or dare, strip poker, or naked twister. "Tequila®: Leave shyness behind™"
The new mental hospital inmate announced he was British naval hero, Lord Nelson. This was particularly troubling because the hospital already had another "Lord Nelson." The head psychiatrist considered this dilemma but put the two men in the same room, hoping their delusions might help in their cure. The next morning, the doctor summoned his new patient, who announced, "Doctor, evidently I've been suffering from a delusion. I know now for a fact that I am not Lord Nelson."
"Wonderful," said the doctor, pleased that his plan had worked, "Who are you?"
The patient replied, "I'm Lady Nelson!"
The mental ward nurse entered a room and found a patient sitting in a chair pretending to drive a car. The nurse asked, "What are you doing, Charlie?"
Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"
She wished him a good trip and left. The next day, she entered Charlie's room just as he stopped driving his imaginary car and asked, "How are you doing today, Charlie?"
Charlie answered, "I just got to Chicago!"
"Great," she replied. The nurse left Charlie's room and went across the hall into Bob's room, and found Bob sitting on his bed, masturbating furiously. Shocked, she cried, "Bob, what are you doing?"
Bob said, "While Charlie's in Chicago, I'm screwing his wife!"
"I'm worried," said the mother to her therapist. "I caught my daughter and the boy next door examining each other's naked body."
"Oh, that's not unusual," smiled the therapist. "Don't worry about it."
"But I am worried, doctor," insisted the woman, "and so is my daughter's husband!"
A man walked into a psychiatrist's office and said, "Doc, ya gotta help me. Everywhere I go, people ignore me."
Psychiatrist: "Next!"
A man is in a mental hospital. All day long he kept his ear to the wall, listening. The doctor would watch him do this day after day.
The doctor finally decided to see what the patient was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.
He turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."
The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it to find a book titled "The Meaning of Dreams."
An analyst was listening to a voluptuous beauty with a problem of her own.
"It's liquor, doctor," she sobbed. "I'm really a very nice girl, but just as soon as I've had a drink or two, I become uncontrollably passionate and I want to make love to whomever I happen to be with."
"I see," the analyst said thoughtfully. "Well, suppose I just mix us up a couple of cocktails here and then you and I can sit down, nice and relaxed, and discuss this compulsive neurosis of yours."
I did a politically incorrect joke on the show once. About obsessive compulsive disorder. You know what? You don't want to insult them. Because if they start writing letters, you know, they don't quit. You're gonna get a letter. All day they spend: Write a letter. Check the stove.Write a letter. Check the stove.Write a letter. Check the stove...
--Ray Romano
My company offers a class called "Interpersonal Relationships"; the following is a prècis of the class and its objectives.
Notes from "MANGLING IMPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS"
Copious research has conclusively shown that there are exactly two dimensions to human personality: self-control and evangelism.
THE SELF-CONTROL SCALE
The self-control scale denotes the degree to which a person maintains control of his or her emotions. Humans are evenly distributed along this scale with Spock at one end (although he is really half Vulcan) and Sally Field at the other (see Figure 1).
Figure 1. Self-Control Scale
Self-Control
+---------------------------------------+
| |
Spock Sally Field
| |
Shows absolutely no Operates purely on
emotion whatsoever, unless emotion. Cries when
under the influence of mind- reading "The Family Circus"
altering drugs, such as pod or when nominated for an
spray. Oscar.
THE EVANGELISM SCALE
The evangelism scale denotes the degree to which a person forces his or her opinions and beliefs on others. Like the self-control scale, humans are evenly distributed on this scale, with Supreme Court nominees on one end and Jimmy Swaggert at the other (see Figure 2).
Figure 2. Evangelism Scale
Evangelism
+---------------------------------------+
| |
Supreme Court Justice David Souter Swaggart
(before being nominated)
| |
Opinions could not Offers opinions freely
even be extricated and without provocation,
through Senate judicial often frothing at the
hearings. mouth and sweating
profusely.
WHERE ARE YOU ON THE SCALES?
Where each person falls on the self-control and evangelism scales is genetically predetermined and can be calculated from a questionnaire of 20 or so questions that you give to five of your friends/coworkers. This questionnaire was scientifically engineered and is backed up by copious research, so regardless of who answers this questionnaire (convenience store clerks, your mother, your worst enemies), your location on the scales is always the same. Oh, there have been some exceptions, but they were due to people getting confused when filling in the dots on the questionnaire.
THE PERSONALITY QUADRANTS
Copious research has shown that there are four quadrants in which we can stereotype human personalities (see Figure 3). This graph is derived from the two personality scales, with Evangelism as the X axis and Self-Control as the Y axis.
Figure 3. The Personality Quadrants
low E v a n g e l i s m high
(0) +--------------------------+--------------------------+(20)
| | |
| | |
| Anal-Retentives | Megalomaniacs |
| | |
| | |
S | | |
e | | |
l | | |
f | | |
- | | |
C +--------------------------+--------------------------+
o | | |
n | | |
t | Spineless Wimps | Psychotics |
r | | |
o | | |
l | | |
| | |
| | |
| | |
| | |
+--------------------------+--------------------------+
high
(20)
Once your location on the scales is determined, we can plot your personality on a graph and pigeon-hole you for life! For example, if your questionnaire shows 1 on the Self-Control scale and 1 on the Evangelism scale, you would be classified as an Anal-Retentive, and are probably enjoying these numbers immensely. If you scored 19 on Self-Control and 19 on Evangelism, you are a Psychotic and are probably throwing a tantrum at this moment. Of course, there is no value judgement placed on any location in the quadrant: It's OK to be a Spineless Wimp; it's OK to by Psychotic; it's OK to be whereever you are (although YOUR location is rather abnormal).
By definition, the personality type of a particular quadrant hates the personality type in the opposite quadrant. So, ARs hate Psychotics and vice versa; likewise for SWs and Megalomaniacs. Understanding the hatred between these groups is the first step to building good teamwork!
The Anal-Retentive Quadrant
Characteristics: Good with numbers, likes to work with machines more than humans, not fun at parties (unless everyone else is AR also), lots of them are engineers.
Nicknames: Einstein, Good Engineer, Boring, The Computer
Favorite Phrase: I need more data.
Handles Conflict by: Playing video games.
Famous AR's: Carl Sagan, Ayn Rand
The Spineless Wimps Quadrant
Characteristics: Always friendly, always agreeable, make you feel good until you turn your back on them, soft handshake, good at organizing parties.
Nicknames: Ol' Reliable, Mr(s). Happy, Two-Faced Rat
Favorite Phrase: I agree.
Handles Conflict by: Giving in and then not inviting you to the next party.
Famous SW's: George Bush, Dan Quayle
The Megalomaniacs Quadrant
Characteristics: Cold, decisive, power-hungry, has delusions of grandeur, lets you know where you stand (usually within earshot of a crowd), dictatorial.
Nicknames: Idi Amin, The Dictator, The Robot, The Rotten Bastard
Favorite Phrase: You're wrong!
Handles Conflict by: Killing those who disagree.
Famous M's: Saddam Hussein, Hillary Clinton
The Psychotics Quadrant
Characteristics: Bubbly, bubbly, so-bubbly-you-want-to-strangle-them, obnoxious, insecure, humorous, fun at parties (especially when throwing a temper tantrum).
Nicknames: Barrel-O-Fun, The Clown, The Psycho
Favorite Phrase: I have a vision.
Handles Conflict by: Threatening to kill self and everyone else.
Famous P's: Sam Kinison, Sally Field
THE FLEXIBILITY SCALE
In addition to the four quadrants, there is another dimension to personality (even though I said there were only two before). This other dimension is flexibility, also known as schizophrenia. This scale denotes how well can a person fake another personality type (see Figure 4).
Figure 4. The Flexibility Scale
+--------------+--------------+-----------------+----------------+
| | | | |
Catatonic Paranoid Split Personality Triphrenia
Quadrophenia
| | | | |
Does not even Most people Manages to fake Three The ultimate
have a are here. an additional personalities! in flexibility.
personality. personality. Can fake all
four
personality
types.
Although we can never change our basic location in the personality quadrants, we can strive for and achieve greater flexibility! For example, you may be merely paranoid now, but with a little work in this course, you could become a split personality or even quadrophenic! The key to flexibility is understanding the other personality types so that you can quickly and easily pigeon-hole those around you and understand what makes them tick. Once you know how to do this, you will find that it is much easier to manipulate those around you!
SUMMARY
You now know everything you need to better mangle impersonal relationships. Good luck! And remember: It's much easier to work with people once you've stereotyped them.
dream(1l)
NAME
dream - suspend execution for an interval while executing
random code in memory
SYNTAX
dream [-d][[-nrRsw] [time]]
DESCRIPTION
Dream suspends execution of the current proces for time
seconds, while simulating a dream sequence by executing random
segments of code in memory. All devices are paralyzed (blocked)
to prevent dangerous side-effects. The options are as follows:
-d daydream. code seems to be more related to the actual
suspended process, and suspension will be for a limited
amount of time. Attention can be restored by snapping
fingers next to keyboard.
-n nightmare. Repeated references to the system error logs
are made during execution.
-r recurring. The code of a previous execution will be
re-selected for this dream.
-R REM (Rapid Eye Movement). The current value of the PC is
is flashed on the screen for every instruction.
-s sleepwalking. Tape drives will be sent many alternating
fast-forward and rewind requests and/or line printers sent
many alternating carraige-return and tab codes to promote
movement of machine(s) across floor. Stopping these
devices may confuse the program.
-w wet dream. The code is selected from the sex(1l) program.
Dream will invoke automatically with the -d option when the
system proves extremely slow.
The relation of the randomly-executed code to the subconcious
(background tasks) of the current processes is suspected but has
not been proven.
WARNING
do not select the -w option without covering the keyboard.
SEE ALSO
sleep(1), sex(1l), dream(3l), alarm(3C)
Larry phones a local mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in room 36.
She goes and checks, comes back to the phone, and says, "No, the room is empty."
"Good," says Larry. "Unless you're lying, that means I must have really escaped!"
"So, Mr. Coleman," the doctor says to one of his psychiatric patients, "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?"
Larry thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it's like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in lately."
Dr. Phil nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities."
Larry adds, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot."
A man convinced that he is John the Baptist is committed to a mental hospital and assigned to a room with another crazy man. He immediately exclaims, "I am John the Baptist! And Jesus Christ sent me here!"
Another patient looks at him and calmly states, "I did not."
Techniques for stress management
Having a rough day? Here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. It really works. I use it myself daily.
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world".
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.
See, you're smiling already. I told you it worked!
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is on her period or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with a spear lodged in his chest and tape over his mouth while he is on fire.
No further studies are planned.
Stupid Mind Tricks
Pick a number between 1 and 10.
Multiply that number by 2.
Add 8 to your new number.
Divide that number by 2.
Subtract your original number.
You should have a number between 1 and 8.
Take that number and match it with your corresponding letter:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
A B C D E F G H
Now take that letter and think of any country in the world that begins with that letter.
Take the letter that comes next in the alphabet (for example, if you had the letter B, you would now use the letter C) and think of an animal that begins with that letter.
Think about what color that animal is.
Think about that country, animal, and its color very hard while I receive your thoughts via the ether.
.
.
.
Ok, I've got something. Click below to see what.
This is like an optical illusion, but with numbers. This riddle must be done in your head and not using pen and paper.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it.
Now add another 1000.
Now add another 30. Another 1000.
Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?
Did you get 5000? Now add it up on your calculator.
If you thought that last one was neat (yes, I goofed it up, too), this is an interesting mindreader that uses numbers to do its magic: madarab.com/pictures/misc/swf/psychic.swf
One of the important branches of advertising is market research. Nowadays, a politician will probably get an opinion poll before they do anything. However, before you believe the numbers in an opinion poll it is important that you look at the way the questions were phrased for the poll. Otherwise good pollsters can give you whatever results you'd like by manipulating the questions. Sir Humphrey Appleby demonstrates this point most aptly to Bernard in Yes, Prime Minister...
The PM has just gotten the results of an opinion poll. It says that 67% of people would be in favor of reintroducing conscription. Sir Humphrey asks Bernard to get another opinion poll done in which the results are the opposite. Bernard can't understand how people can be both for and against conscription, so Sir Humphrey demonstrates by quizzing him.
"Mr. Woolley, are you worried about the rise in crime among teenagers?"
"Yes."
"Do you think there is lack of discipline and vigorous training in our Comprehensive Schools?"
"Yes."
"Do you think young people welcome some structure and leadership in their lives?"
"Yes."
"Do they respond to a challenge?"
"Yes."
"Might you be in favour of reintroducing National Service?"
"Yes."
Now for Survey 2
"Mr. Woolley, are you worried about the danger of war?"
"Yes."
"Are you unhappy about the growth of armaments?"
"Yes."
"Do you think there's a danger in giving young people guns and teaching them how to kill?"
"Yes."
"Do you think its wrong to force people to take up arms against their will?"
"Yes."
"Would you oppose the reintroduction of National Service?"
"Yes."
Here's another one like that, from The Art of Asking Questions by Stanley L. Payne. According to Wikipedia, "[it] is a short handbook-style discussion of how the honest pollster should ask questions to find out what people actually think without leading them, but the same information could be used to slant a poll to get a predetermined answer. Payne notes that the effect of asking a question in different ways or in different contexts can be much larger than the effect of sampling bias, which is the error estimate usually given for a poll. E.g. (from the book) if you ask people 'should government go into debt?' the majority will answer 'No', but if you ask 'Corporations have the right to issue bonds. Should governments also have the right to issue bonds?' the majority will answer 'Yes'."
Think of words ending in -gry. ‘Angry' and ‘hungry' are two of them. What is the third word in the English language? You use it almost every day, and if you were listening carefully, I've just told you what it is.
Unless you've heard this one before, you probably thought for a little while, couldn't think of one (indeed, there is no third common English word of its type to be found, but AskOxford.com has a list of a dozen other English words that end in gry), and read further for the answer. The third word in "the English language" is obviously "language", but it is not what you were probably thinking of at first. Some models of the mind refer to what are known as "frames of reference", which are like templates overlaid onto incoming information that contain rules for processing that information. Although Intel boasted proudly when it introduced instruction prefetching with its new Pentium line of processors, so that they would "anticipate" the next logical instruction to come down the pipeline and already have the result when it actually got there, the human brain has been doing that for millennia. The first sentence, "Think of words ending in -gry," makes one set its prefetch to words in the domain of English. However, the question shifts reference frames from English writ large to the phrase "the English language" without warning, thereby misleading the mind into processing an entirely different, and invalid, set of information.
Another sucker question that works on a similar principle is this: If a rooster lays an egg on the top of a pointed roof, which way does it roll down? The answer, of course, is neither--roosters don't lay eggs. One of the basic principles of communication is integrity (also called cooperation); i.e., we assume in most cases that we are not being deceived. However, referring to laying eggs tricks the mind into shifting its frame of reference. Also, the word "rooster" denotes several qualities, including fowl. One of the most prominent features of domestic fowl is that they lay eggs. This quality may be pressed into the mind enough that it causes the mind to "forget" that roosters are male chickens, and therefore do not lay eggs.
Though assumption is often maligned (as making an ass out of both parties), it is a valuable mechanism for dealing with the overwhelming amount of sensory information that the brain deals with every second. This card trick plays on assumptions that the mind can usually safely make.
This trick is a rather popular one on the Internet, as the sleight of hand required to replace one set of cards with another is entirely removed, making it much easier to pull off. The card, no matter which one you picked, will not be found in the second batch, as none of the cards in the second batch are the same as the first. The Kings of Hearts and Spades become Diamonds and Clubs, the Queens of Diamonds and Clubs become Hearts and Spades, and the Jacks of Clubs and Diamonds become a Jack of Hearts. The mind, however, assumes that the cards of the second set are the same as the first (and is encouraged to do so by a vague resemblance). It assumes permanence or continuity and, again, integrity.
Slate has a brief but interesting explainer on why some people report seeing a bright light just before dying. The bonus explainer gives evidence that this is a cultural, not a spiritual, phenomenon:
In Western societies, the bright light is often accompanied by visions of deceased relatives, idyllic gardens, and a convivial bearded man in flowing white robes--all standard images of the Christian heaven. Dying Hindus in India, by contrast, typically picture the afterlife as a Kafkaesque bureaucratic office. Fading Micronesians have been known to describe a bustling, skyscraper-filled metropolis.
An interesting neuromotor challenge
While seated, lift your right foot and make clockwise circles. While doing that, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction!
The is a way around this. Click here to find out what it is.
Here's one I discovered while petting a dog that loved to have her tummy rubbed. Place your arms in front of you and move them left to right rapidly. Eventually they will stop moving in synchronization and will start moving together in a grasping motion (that is, the left and right arms will both start moving together as if you are clapping or hugging). This one isn't as reliable as the first one; sometimes it takes a while before they'll do this. It also tends not to happen if you're in a swivel-type chair or if you're concentrating hard on keeping them moving in the same direction. Nevertheless, when it happens, it's pretty neat.
The personality tests and other such goodies below are presented in the same way I received them in email or saw them on the Web. I have made some edits for spelling, grammar, and overall lucidity, but the idea that, for example, the Dalai Lama would send out a pseudoscientific personality inventory is retained, though stupid. They're supposed to be fun, not rigorous, so I've tried to retain their spirit by leaving them as unchanged as possible.
The Dalai Lama said read it to see if it works for you.
Very interesting. Just 4 questions and the answers will surprise you. Do not cheat by looking up the answers. The mind is like a parachute: it works best when it is opened. This is fun to do, but you have to follow the instructions very closely. Do not cheat.
MAKE A WISH BEFORE BEGINNING THE TEST!
A warning: Answer the questions as you go along.
There are only four questions and if you see them all before finishing, you will not have honest results. Go down slowly and do each exercise as you scroll down. Don't look ahead. Get pencil and paper to write your answers as you go along. You will need it at the end. This is an honest questionnaire which will tell you a lot about your true self. Give an answer for each item.
Put the following 5 animals in the order of your preference.
Cow
Tiger
Sheep
Horse
Pig
Write one word that describes each one of the following:
Dog
Cat
Rat
Coffee
Sea
Think of someone (who also knows you and is important to you) that you can relate them to the following colors (do not repeat your answer twice. Name just one person for each color.)
Yellow
Orange
Red
White
Green
Finally, write down your favorite number and your favorite day of the week.
Finished? Please be sure that your answers are what you REALLY WANT.
Look at the interpretations (but before continuing, repeat your wish).
IQ test
Here is a very simple little test comprised of four questions to determine the level of your intellect. Your replies must be spontaneous and immediate, with no deliberating or wasting time. And no cheating.
1: You are competing in a race, and overtake the runner in second place. In which position are you now?
2: If you overtake the last runner, what position are you now in?
For the next, don't take any notes or use a calculator, and remember, your replies must be instantaneous.
3: Take 1000. Add 40.
Add another 1000.
Add 30.
1000 again.
Plus 20.
Plus 1000.
And plus 10.
What is the total?
4: Marie's father has five daughters:
1. Chache
2. Cheche
3. Chichi
4. Chocho
5. ????
What is the fifth daughter's name? Think quickly...
You'll find the answers here.
IQ test for professionals
The rest of you can take this also. After answering, scroll down for correct answer and interpretation.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals except one attend. Which one does not attend?
4. There is a river inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage to pass it?
Click here for answers.
Another IQ Test
1. How long did The Hundred Years' War last?
2. Which country makes Panama hats?
3. From what animal do we get catgut?
4. In what month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5. What is Camel's hairbrush made from?
6. The Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named after what animal?
7. What was King George VI's first name?
8. What color is a Purple Finch?
9. Where are Chinese Gooseberries from?
10. How long did the Thirty Years' War last?
You think you're so smart, don't you? Click here for the answers.
Subject: Dr. Phil's test. I scored a 48 [Yes, that's my score]
Dr. Phil's test
Dr. Phil gave this test on Oprah. She got a 38. Some folks pay a lot of money to find this stuff out. Read on, this is very interesting! Don't be overly sensitive! The following is pretty accurate. And it only takes 2 minutes. Take this test for yourself and send it to your friends, including the one who sent it, and let them know who you are. The person who sent it placed their score in the subject box. Please do the same before forwarding to your friends. Don't peek but begin the test as you scroll down and answer.
Answers are for who you are now, not who you were in the past. Have pen or pencil and paper ready. This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective employees.
It's only 10 simple questions, so grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers. Make sure to change the subject of the e-mail to read YOUR total. When you are finished, forward this to everyone you know, and also send it to the person who sent this to you. Make sure to put YOUR score in the subject box.
Ready?? Begin.
1. When do you feel your best? a) in the morning b) during the afternoon & and early evening c) late at night 2. You usually walk... a) fairly fast, with long steps b) fairly fast, with little steps c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face d) less fast, head down e) very slowly 3. When talking to people you... a) stand with your arms folded b) have your hands clasped c) have one or both your hands on your hips d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair 4. When relaxing, you sit with... a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side b) your legs crossed c) your legs stretched out or straight d) one leg curled under you 5. When something really amuses you, you react with... a) a big, appreciative laugh b) a laugh, but not a loud one c) a quiet chuckle d) a sheepish smile 6. When you go to a party or social gathering you... a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed 7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted, do you... a) welcome the break b) feel extremely irritated c) vary between these two extremes 8. Which of the following colors do you like most? a) Red or orange b) black c) yellow or light blue d) green e) dark blue or purple f) white g) brown or gray 9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep, you lie... a) stretched out on your back b) stretched out face down on your stomach c) on your side, slightly curled d) with your head on one arm e) with your head under the covers 10. You often dream that you are... a) falling b) fighting or struggling c) searching for something or somebody d) flying or floating e) you usually have dreamless sleep f) your dreams are always pleasant
Click here to score your answers.
Chocolate mathematics
This is pretty neat how it works out. It takes less than a minute. Work this out as you read. Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate. (More than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold.)
3. Add 5. (Sundays are for indulging.)
4. Multiply it by 50.
5. Add the last two digits of the current year. (For example, if it is 2006, add 6.)
6. Add 1750.
7. If you haven't had your birthday this year, subtract 1. Otherwise, go to the next step.
8. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
Click here to find out the significance of your result.
